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My BF’s mom wont let us move out together
me and my boyfriend have been saving up to move out for a couple months now, when his mom drops a huge bombshell on us: she’s moving into her boyfriends house, and expects us, and her other son to pay for the rent of the home they currently live in - which is falling apart, and is more costly than having an apartment that’s new & in shape, all because she wants to keep the home around for sentimental reasons, and has abandonment issues about us moving out in general. i’m pissed off at her because she won’t let us be adults and get on with our lives by moving out, i don’t know what to do, help!
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It's not that she is physically doing anything to prevent you both from leaving. She is only voicing her wish without any concern for what you want. Something is not quite right in her mind. Sounds like all that matters to her is how she feels and to heck with anyone else. What she wants, keeping the house, is something she is going to have to figure out on her own without asking her kids to bail her out on this. Either that, or she can always sell the house as is as a place for those who flip houses, to put the money into to resell. She just is not thinking of other options, so her thinking is too short sighted. I can even think of another option and I don't own that house. I am sure she doesn't want to pay mortgage anymore but I think if moving in with a boyfriend, instead of helping him with his rent/mortgage, she could pay the mortgage, and find a person who has experience in fixing things, like a jack of all trades who can do electrical, plumbing, roofing, carpentry and have him/her sign a contract where instead of paying rent, they get to live and rent there in trade for work they do on the place to fix it up, not a slap together, patch up job but quality work that will pass inspection. And they spend monthly as much as what the mortgage is on the place in fixing costs and do so every month, reporting to her whats been done and allowing for her and perhaps someone she trusts who knows this stuff too, to double check all is done right, not cheaply. That may be another way to keep the house. If it's monthly up to the limit of her mortgage payment, she is paying that but getting the house fixed for free. But she may have to sign a contract to allow that person to rent a certain amount of time, 2, 3 years or more. If at the end once completely fixed and upgraded, they want to continue to stay there, she can do another contract that allows them to stay but pay the mortgage cost to cover it. You both could mention these options. But I am sure she's shoot them down as soon as she hears them. However, the bug has been put in her ear and her boyfriend may talk her into selling or something like this if its so important that it stays in her name. If it's so sentimental to her, ever wonder why practicality won over sentiments in her decision to go live with boyfriend. If it's not fit for her to live in, why would she expect you to live in it? She doesn't care about her sons having to put up with a place that needs serious work done on it PLUS pay the mortgage. Is she expecting them to put money into fixing it AND pay the mortgage. She isn't even realistic. ANd she is very stuck in her thinking. As adults, anything age 18 or over, you do not have to listen to a parents narrow vision and wants. This isn't even about honoring ones parents as the Bible says. SHe is the one out of line. Hey, I am a parent, age 60 and have adult children, I would never dream of expecting them to live where I say and do as I say as adults. That is their decision. It is their life to live, not my life to live through them.
So I would not consider this a bombshell but a selfish demand of a parent who has some growing up to do. She never transitioned from being a parent of minors, to a parent of adult children. That is actually quite common.
The sad thing is, such parents know how to push the emotional buttons on each of their kids to get them to do the parents will and it is usually the following: make them feel guilty, the "I brought you into the world, so you owe me..." crap, you are so ungrateful, I've never asked anything of you before, I am only asking one thing so why are you resisting, why did I ever give birth to you, I took care of you as a kid, now its your turn to help me, and so on and one. Parents know how to mess with their kids minds. The only kids it doesn't work on, the only kids who do not buy what the parent is saying, do not cave in to them, are the ones who have some backbone, maybe a good understanding of psychology, and will not fall for the tactics of the parent. Oh, and if there is any resistance from the adult child, a parent knows their child is an adult and make their own decisions, so last resort is crying a bucket of tears. That works better on males than others because males freak out when a female cries. If Crying doesn't sway a child to their will, a parent will say something really hateful like, I will disown you, I will take you out of my will and you'll never inherit anything, I will never speak to you ever again for the rest of my life. What they threaten kids with, may panic the child, thinking how much it will hurt to not have their own Mom on good terms with them, but the crazy thing is that they are hurting themselves more by being so stuck in a rut and demanding the world revolve around them. They could never get away with this kind of verbal crap with someone who is not family, flesh and blood and subconsciously they know it.
So why did I go into detail on what a parent is doing and how far they will go to get their way?
I just wanted to prepare you both for this so you are not surprised. She may not go this far, but there is a great possibility she will.
So I feel its important that your bf and his brother see my take on this. As for abandonment issues, that is not something you kids have caused her to have. She already had that from exper lt. Somewhere along the line, even if someone never left her, she took a situation that way. And in her mind, it will always be there, unless she willingly goes for counseling, wanting to be mentally healed of this.
You should move out on your own as planned and let the crap fall where it may. You still have your whole lives ahead of you. But think ahead to when you are very old or on your death bed, do you want to have any regrets? Of old people questioned what they might have done differently in life, they ALL had regrets looking back. Do not let, choosing to placate Mom and let her choose how you live your adult lives, be a regret you at 80.
I can't say it will help but here is a story of my own to push through the point on abandonment issues and how they make those the person is around, totally miserable and unable to have a good life. This would be my ex husband. I raised kids with him but after 30 years, I could nolonger stay, as I believe the stress would have killed me, I was having stress related illnesses.
When he was a kid, his Mom ended up in the hospital. He overheard the Dr. talking to his Dad saying they are doing their best and that she might pull through but they might also lose her.
In his child's mind, even though she survived, he began to have distorted thoughts, which is not caught and allowed free rein, can become much worse and become mental illness. Everyone experiences distorted thoughts, seeing an overturned car along the freeway and instantly the thought hits, what would it feel like if I was alive and trapped up side down in my car? Those are negative thoughts and dwelling on such thoughts day after day can cause unnatural feelings and phobia's for example. So back to the ex, puberty came and with it, interest in girls. HOwever this feeling that a female in his life would abandon him at some point was always in his mind. (I heard this from things he told a psychologist at first appointment, and later, the Dr.s take on it, with me) When a female was loyal and cared about him, that 'prediction'
running like an endless loop tape in his mind, was not happening, he had to be right so he began to treat females in a way that was so bad that each one finally left him. He had never been the one to end a relationship and leave them. I even met some of his old girlfriends. Not one could say he left them. That would not fulfill his mental prediction. So by time he was 24 and I married him, he was so set in his ways, that he only treated me nicely for a month or two and when I didn't leave, he started in with verbal abuse. It was very bad, and yet due to my churches beliefs, I should trust God to heal my marriage. It took until almost 30 years before I actually heard God or whatever one called it, the higher self, etc... clearly tell me that he had his chance, he broke his vows and if I stayed, I would die early from the stress, or I could leave. God never gave us free will to take it away if someone misbehaved, and magically touch the person, in this case my husband, and make him automatically be a good devoted loving husband. So I was told, what I had chosen to believe all my life from that church, was false. It was my decision now to stay and die, or leave and live. I obviously chose leave and live or I wouldn't be answering you now. I hold no anger or unforgiveness against him. I had two choices after my bad experience, remain the victim for the rest of my life, acting accordingly, (as bf's mom is doing) or to be an overcomer. This means there has to be healing for the person, so they don't remain stuck acting certain ways due to their past. This s called by Psychologists: cognitive behavior. Cognitive means the thoughts of ones mind cause the actions we take and the things we say. So when there is no healing for mental stress in our past, like those who suffer PTSD, we will act accordingly. I know PTSD can be deeper psychologically, actually imagining and feeling like you are back at the moments of trauma. But I am using that for example. There is a therapy, meant to heal the mind, CBT cognitive behavioral therapy. This is likely what Mom needs.
Caving in to her will only help her remain stuck. SHe needs something big to shake her up and realize she needs help or she can choose to ignore forever. It all comes down to personal choice and trying to foist our choosen choices and desires off on others. So please don't think any of you are helping her by staying in the house. It only enables her to coast along without healing for longer. Like my ex, she may refuse treatment. He stopped after a few visits. That was when I left. He wanted to live in the past and let the past rule his current life. Why let someone else's past rule my life? That is why I left. Sadly he has not gotten better. Every girlfriend he has had long term since me, has left him.(3 have left him) He is still acting out of the belief that he will be abandoned by females and when they don't leave, treats them worse and worse until they leave him. Mom may refuse to get better. That is her choice and choices like that affect the lives of family and break up family more often than not. Either stay and be miserable and help her stay stuck or just maybe, what if, refusing to do as she wishes, just might be one of the experiences that help her wake up, want to change, and do something about getting healing for her mind. Think of it this way, what would she do if as run down as it is, the place caught fire on its own and burnt to the ground, she'd have nothing left for sentimental reasons. What would she do then? Decide to stop living because of it and want to die because the hose did? Please have all of you read this. I am sure when you all do, that none of you will have any issue with moving out and living your own life.
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