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Sexually Suffering
I'm 28/f and suffering from vaginismus. For those of you who don't know what that is, here is the definition: Vaginismus is involuntary contraction of muscles around the opening of the vagina in women with no abnormalities in the genital organs. The tight muscle contraction makes sexual intercourse or any sexual activity that involves penetration painful or impossible. I was sexually abused and this developed as a result. I didn't realize it until I was about 20 and tried to have sex for the first time. When he came near me, I started shaking uncontrollably and I was pushing him away. I thought that there was a lot more factors to this. For one, it was both of our first time. He was very inexperienced in terms of anything sexual. I thought that maybe the problem wasn't so much me... but, the fact that there was little sexual attraction.
I am with a different partner now and I am head over heels in love. I actually WANT to have sex with him. I have desire. I also feel much more secure in this relationship. We are building a future together. He is a little bit more experienced and I'm much more open. When we tried having sex, it wasn't so much like he was hitting a brick wall. It was like a tire going over a pothole. So, my vagina did open a little bit, but not enough to let him in entirely. It might help to copy and paste this diagram into your search bar so you can better see what I mean:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location):
Before, it was like the first picture. Now, it's like the second picture.
Obviously, because I'm working through this, my boyfriend wants to have intimacy in other ways, such as oral sex. Before I begin, I just want to say that I've always hated the idea of oral sex. Ever since I even heard that people did this, I found it disgusting. This contrasts sharply from the fact that I actually DESIRE to have sex, but my vagina is involuntarily spasming. It's like my mind wants it, but my body doesn't allow it. Kind of like imagine being constipated and having a an urge to poop but you can't or it's very painful. You desire that relief so badly, but it's difficult to achieve. The oral sex thing is something that has always grossed me out. But, I kind of feel bad because my vagina isn't letting me have sex. She's closed the doors on me. It's like my body has turned against me. And I feel pressured to fix the problem quickly, especially so I don't have to give oral sex. I feel like if we were having a regular sex life, without this vaginismus problem, I wouldn't be pressured into the oral sex.
So, I feel like I'm under pressure to either overcome vaginismus quickly and take my time to get over this aversion... or I need to quickly overcome this aversion and take my time to conquer vaginismus.
If you've gone through this before, would you please lend a helping hand? thank you
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Maybe give some free advice about: Virginity?
I have a link for you as well. It is all about how they treat vaginismus. Here it is: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
So I would check with your Dr to see if they can refer you to a Dr. who specializes in the training of what you need to do in steps with also a pain plan I would suppose for the beginning. I am sure there had to be scar tissue or even just the muscles shrinking up tight. But those are things that Drs find easy to treat.
Oral sex isn't bad at all. But yes, there are people who do not like it or want it. You may need to find out how important it is to your partner in case this evolves to him wanting to marry you. Can he really go the rest of his life not ever having oral sex? There are often people who are great together, best of friends and love each other but there are too many differences when it comes to sex. I was once married to a man who was not my sexual equal. YOu don't have to be like me, I will just share my story so you see how important it is that both people are not only best of friends but the best sexual match for each other. These two things are the foundation for any really successful and rewarding couples relationship.
So, anyways, I discovered that my ex had a low libido and I had a high one. The libido is that part of you that wants sex and how often. Some are happy with once or twice a month, once a week and others really want it every day or as close to that as possible. So when I wanted loving and sex, he would push me away and say he had to work the next day and had to have his rest. He was the one who hated oral sex and fingering me. Pretty much, missionary position was all he would do. SO as a result, I never had an orgasm with him. Orgasms by penetration are possible but very rare. Females have more orgasms by manipulation of the clitorus or the g spot, that rough wrinkled skin patch on the belly button side of vagina, just past the pubic bone. If you can be pleasured both those ways, then he won't have to do it with his mouth and tongue. He may wish for it to be done on him but lots of lube with the females hand masturbating him is just as great and you don't have to have him inside your mouth at all. So you have some things to discuss with him. If the both of you discover after the vaginismus is taken care of, that there are too many differences, you may want to look for a partner with whom your likes and dislikes in sex match. I understand having feelings for a person but if it ends up life long, the things you thought you could handle living without, eventually become the thing you really want. Sexually mismatched couples may find one or both of them seeking sexual relationships outside the marriage because they only have the friendshop part, not the sexual part of the foundation. This is not initially a problem but it depends how long one of you can go without getting enough satisfaction.
Due to the abuse you suffered, it might be a good thing for you to seek counsel from a sex therapist for the mind and thoughts, things that might hold you back.
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