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My roomate has me confused
Never done this before but Im in need of some outside advice(kinda complex). I just turned 20 a few months ago. I graduated early from highschool in 2018 and also from a local technical college that I attended half days (during highschool) for 2 years near a pretty good size city of over 500,000. Ive been working in a small town since I was 14 for farmers and a local lumber yard, I grew up 25 miles outside the city limits. When I was a sophomore I knew what I wanted to do for a career so I had a job lined up with a local heating and air company and after almost a year with them I was offered a real good job with another company that a good friend of mine has worked with for years (commission and hard work but pays real well and company vehicle with great benefits). So with all that being said I moved out of my parents wonderful home on the farm in January of 2019 to a nice 2 story single family rental in a decent part of the city. There I have 3 roomates who have lived there for almost a year now and i was able to move in because one of them (a good friend of mine since we were kids) was transferring colleges to one that's almost 2 hours away so he needed someone to take his lease and it worked for me financially so I took it. So he is my age and he was living there with his older sister who is 25 and one of her friends who is 26 (female) who is engaged and will be moving out in a few months, then the 3rd roomate is my friends cousin who is 22 hes pretty nice guy, I get along with him great. Everyones really not home much, we all work a lot and do stuff with friends and whatnot all the time but me and my best friends sister are home probably most often. I've always had a thing for her since I've been around her/ her family way back in 4th grade. I always found her attractive but because of the age difference we never really had talked much. Her family is awesome, I'll stop by even after my buddy moved off to college and have a beer with their parents and bullshit with them. Now I'm living with their daughter and when I first moved in here, her and I were very playful and always teasing and flirting. I want to be very clear I didnt move in here for my buddys sister and he let me know before I moved in she has a boyfriend, not to try anything, I understood that, it was just going to be better for me to have roommates because I came from a family of 6, me being the oldest and I didnt quite want to adjust to living all alone. So her and I didnt know each other that well prior to living here, I would always see her at her parents for family stuff or whenever we were hanging out there. Now living with her I realize why I've always been so attracted to her, and not just physically. Shes a really sweet girl and always in a great mood, whenever I see her smiling no matter the mood I'm in I'll find myself smiling too. Shes absolutely gorgeous and her laugh is contagious, I look forward to spending time with her any chance I get. Shes absolutely gorgeous, very classy, my idea of a woman. For a while I wasnt sure if she felt anything for me so I just kept it lighthearted and playful, and I kept my eyes open for other girls because I understood she has a boyfriend. One night I had a girl over and my roommate (the girl) wasnt home but ended up coming home and expressed to me privately that she was jealous but then I could tell she meant it. From there it's just gotten more intimate, we lay in each others beds cuddled up or on the couch till late hours talking and cuddling and exchanging kisses in sensual areas but nothing more than that. Weve talked once about her current boyfriend (of 1 year, hes 28) and she says how she never feels as comfortable around him as she does me and also how hes not very involved with her family. Her family tells me how hes just awkward and not all that friendly. I havent talked to her brother (my friend) about any of this (although he mentioned the fact how his sister is 25 and hasnt found her love yet). I've talked to our other roomate, the guy who's her cousin and he thinks shes way happier when shes around me versus when shes with her boyfriend. The challenges are that shes got a boyfriend who shes invested time into and he treats her well, its just not burning with passion, shes 5 years older than me and her brother is my real good friend, and that I already live with her- I'm just supposed to be a roomate. I dont wanna risk my friendship with him and his family over his sister but if it really was to work out it could be something amazing. I like the location i live in but if we were to be together i could find another place to rent easily. I could either stay here and try and shut my feelings off for her or I have the opportunity to move to a rental that's out near where I was raised in the countryside which would be cheaper, just a longer drive to work, and I'd be doing this to make it easy on the both of us to not create any further deeper feelings. I think she would understand. But honestly I just want to stay here in town and continue to enjoy being around her in hope's that eventually she'll leave her current relationship and maybe take some time for herself (which even if we live together for longer it's not hard to find alone time cause everyones schedules are different and I usually spend the weekends out at my parents if I'm not working or with friends) I feel if she moves on from him and I give her the space she needs that things could work out, but these are all just what ifs... I'm just a little confused and wondering if anyone has advice or maybe even been in a similar situation. I'm a man of opportunity and while this seems like a great one I cant help but think of the negatives that could come.
I had one serious relationship of 2 years in highschool that I learned a lot from, and another short term one with a girl that was 23 when I was 19 that was very healthy (although I lived with her practically the entire time) and ended on good terms mutually that I also learned a lot from. I havent been in a relationship for over a year now but I really have enjoyed the time I've had to myself and with friends and family. I'm not in any hurry but it recently has started to bother me when she goes to be with her boyfriend although I do not show it. One night I asked her what her plans were and she looked at me and said I'm leaving and I said "they always do" and she said quickly "but they always come back, I'll always come back" -as in I'll always come back to you. I said you can keep coming back but I just might not. She acted concerned but I just kinda walked away and left it at that. It's hard for me to hide my feelings at this point. The times we spend together laughing and sharing things and genuinely enjoying each other are amazing but sometimes afterwards I cant help but lie in bed alone thinking about how wrong that is, she has a boyfriend and he has no idea, and I have no clue what she could see in me that makes her inclined to be with me. I try not to beat myself up or think about it too much but lately it's getting harder to do. I'm starting to build strong feelings for her but in my heart I feel that deep pull that's telling me it's just gonna hurt more when I leave or she finally says shes committed to him and that we would never work out, that it's too big a gamble. Her dads a quiet man but he loves me to pieces and her mom always jokes about me eventually being her son in law and part of the family. God I like the sound of that but damn it hurts to think it could happen but that theres pretty good probability it wont, maybe I'm just overthinking it all and shes just not getting attention from him so she gets it from me. I'm sure I left stuff out but I'll fill in any blanks if I can.
Just about me. I'm kinda wild, I party on the weekends but it's more about having a good time with my best friends, I do a lot of pretty insane stuff. I'm sure I'll slow down. I'm mature in about every other aspect. I work my job religiously, I do a lot of side work other than just heating and air, i do framing and trim carpentry, painting roofing siding windows doors plumbing fencing and some electrical, have my own health and truck insurance, pay rent and have investments and multiple bank CDs and have a 401k with my employer. I am super conservative with money and have a $40,000 truck that I take real good care of and multiple bank accounts that are lined well. I am saving to buy some land and build my own place here within the next 2 years. Im not saying this to brag but I think it could be part of the reason why she may see me as a viable candidate because I have some maturity for my age. My parents dont pay a dime, if they did I'd be off in college like a bunch of my other friends, but I've always known I couldn't (or rather didnt want to) afford that. I enjoy my job and I make more than most guys twice my age and more than a lot of people will with their degrees, I've got it pretty good I'd just like solve this girl situation so I can either figure to settle down and invest myself in her or just move out, keep saving and busting my ass for a girl I may have not met quite yet. I know theres plenty of fish in the sea, this one just seems right for me.
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This gal is riding the fence and wants a foot in both courts, the boyfriend and you. SHe needs to make up her mind as to what she needs and wants in a guy. What she is doing now is not right. She needs to end it with the first guy before moving on with you. Having any kind of relationship that is more than friends or more than room mates is not fair to the other guy and is in fact cheating. It doesn't even have to be sex if it is more about getting just her emotional needs and everything else from you. If it were the other way around, and you dated a girl who was falling for a guy who was her roommate, I am sure you would be having a fit.
It would be smarter to talk things out with her. Age difference can initially catch a persons entire thoughts, freeze theier brain so they can't really think through all the bits and piecdes, the plusses and minuses. I should know, it happened to me. I needed time to get over the fact and became a friend with benefits to a guy 20 years younger than I. It was after my divorce, and a time inbetween where I hadn't found the one I wanted for a boyfriend yet. Eventually I warmed up to the idea. Maybe warming up to the idea is the issue, maybe not. But tucking the thought on a back burner in ones mind, and not giving it any thought, just living in the moment is nice but not really healthy in this situation. You are the one asking for help, not her and yet, she is the one with issues.
I know it may hurt if she fails to respond the way you wish but an ultimatum may shake her up enough to really stop and look at what is right and what is wrong for her. So I would suggest a heart to heart talk. Alone, with no room mates or her family or anyone else around to distract her. You could tell her if you were the other boyfriend, you wouldn't like it if she was messing around with a male roommate but still pretending to want to date you. So until she makes a decision, you will treat her and regard her as only a room mate. If she has realized the other guy is not the best guy for her, then she needs to let him know and break up. No one else can do it for her. I know many people are afraid of being the one to instigate a break up but it is actually in the other persons best interests. They will be hurt by a break up but they will hurt more if after a few years of marriage, their mate finally says, I want out, I am not really into you. ONe can't avoid the hurt if that is what is holding her back. You might explain this to her if she says she is afraid of hurting him. Otherwise, whatever excuse she has for still being with him, you need to have an answer or advice in return. If she does feel like he is a best friend, but you are friend and feel more like a lover, then the next piece is what needs to be explained.
Successful happy relationships are built on a foundation of two things, one being each others best friend and second being each others sexual equal. By that, I mean that you have enough in common there starting with both having the same kind of libido, a high or low one. Too lows ones may not have sex often but it suits both and there isn't one who wants more but isn't getting what they need. Then there is all the other stuff, and also being people who both put the other first and wanting to please and satisfy them first and fully before seeking ones own pleasure. From a second marriage to a guy my sexual equal, I can tell you that when both of us are seeking to please the other at the same time, neither has to wait for their turn to be satisfied and it seems impossible to not be satisfied when both of us have that goal in mind. It Takes the loving and romance and sex to another level that many often do not experience. Many marry a person who is only their best friend or only have terrific sex with but not both. The one without a friend in their mate will fight and treat each other like crap but have great sex and figure thats a good marriage. The ones withs who married a best friend but have no chemistry in the love and romance department, can't dream of leaving this person because they are so sweet and wonderful and good but they lack a sexual part of the relationship and so one or both will end up seeking sex outside the relationship. I met a guy like that who was honest with me and told me why he had wanted to meet and he loved his wife, she was his best friend but he had no sex for years and years and so he was seeking a sex partner. I told him I was seeking someone who could be both for me, not just a sex partner so not interested. This is probably one great reason why there is so much divorce.
I don't think you should give up yet, not until you have talked and know exactly what is going on in her mind. She does know that her parents adore you, right? I know that you know but if they haven't told her and you haven't told her, that piece of info is great. Often parents with their having more world experience and also knowing their child really well, are good judges of who would be a great mate for their child. If she doesnt begin to change and wants to just play around with you but not commit and leave the other guy, then you will likely have to move out as you said. You might try first telling her that you are going back to treating her only as a roommate, nothing extra, no cuddling, no kisses., at least until she makes up her mind to commit to dating just one guy at a time. If she feels the other guy is best, then because of your feelings for her, you will leave to make it easier for you to move on. For a short while, you will treat her as only a roommate, not a girlfriend but she has to make a decision. Don't give her how much time she has, no deadline. But you decide when to give up if she doesn't make a decision to break up with the other and commit to you. If she said she was jealous when you had a girl over, that was the time to have an indepth conversation about this. This means no more of this cat and mouse teasing comments that really say nothing at all as in this example you wrote:
"One night I asked her what her plans were and she looked at me and said I'm leaving and I said "they always do" and she said quickly "but they always come back, I'll always come back" -as in I'll always come back to you. I said you can keep coming back but I just might not. She acted concerned but I just kinda walked away. This could have gone so much different. You tried hinting and when it comes to two people testing each other out carefully to see if they might be able to date, hinting is the worst thing because I hear from so many females wanting to know what their guy meant when he said 'such and such' and in most cases it was some cryptic comment that I or her would have no idea what he meant. I am not a mind reader, neither are other females. We need to hear your thoughts in plain black and white. This may be her version of flirting and playing dangerous but she may not feel you are all that serious if she inteprets half of what you say as not really being interested in her or in love with her. If I announced I was leaving, as in I was going out somewhere and hear 'they always do' for an answer, my mind works differently than some people, I probably would not have picked up on it and the meaning the guy meant. I would not have understood. Asking me where I was going or if I meant I was leaving as a room mate would be what I can understand someone asking for clarification on. Simply hearing 'they always do, I personally would have gone 'Huh? What do you mean?' A big problem with couples is that when they don't understand something said, they almost never ask the other person to rephrase what they just said in other words or ask for clarification. They simply shrug their shoulders and ask advice columns or their friends what a guy meant and will probably get a dozen different possiblities. I am in the dark here, not knowing you both personally, so its' even harder to go just by what is written to me, read between the lines and give a helpful answer or interpretatiob. So remember I said to talk, really talk, from the heart and restate what you are trying to convey in many forms so there is no question in her mind what you mean.
When she said, ""but they always come back, I'll always come back" you could have gone for clarification as in asking, "Are you talking about coming back here because you are a room mate here or are you talking about coming back as a more personal reason, as in for a person, specifically me." Now she would have had to say, I am just going on a date but I will be home later tonight." Then you could have said something along the lines of, so you will be back, always coming back here because this is where you currently live, not to because you want to be with me, as a couple, as in dating... sorry but I want to be clear on this since you once said you were jealous, and you like to cuddle with me and kiss. Your quip about her coming back is fine but you might not be there, told her nothing. It is confusing if she has no idea you love her and want her to be the only woman for you forever. Obviously there is chemistry or she wouldn't want cuddles and kisses.
Walking away rather than taking time to explain to her where you stand is not fair to her. You have to rise above the male tendency to say as little as possible, not explain things and not ask questions is imperitive if you even want a fair chance at her. Do not assume she totally understands what is going on here. When I had a friend with benefits thing with a guy in his twenties and I was in my late forties, this all before I finally met my second husband, he was into older women and felt he had fallen in love with me. Being younger and doing what you are doing, he never really clearly came out and told me that his interest went back beyond sex, kisses and cuddling. He was okay in the beginning, then when I announced I was leaving to stay with a pregnant daughter 3 months from delivery, while her husband was out on a nayy ship and I said I would likely not be back and stay and enjoy being a grandma, he was upset. When I saw he looked sad and depressed, I ask what was up, and his answer, You should know. I did not know because he had never said or done anything clear. I said, don't worry, we'll keep in touch on facebook or email. Then he finally said, I want more. It was then the thought hit me that maybe he had fallen for me. So I told him right then that he had to remember that I told him he was just a friend and I was still looking for my one mate for the rest of my life. With the man I married, I knew in the first week how he felt about me and he knew how I felt about him. of course we are older and not scared to share the truth. How else was either of us to know. So now you know what to do.
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