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Secret Drug use
I have been in a 15 year old relationship. My 54 year old husband has been caught doing many things that I have let go but eat away at me still. He went on a 7 day trip to Vegas Yesterday. The night before, he said suddenly at an odd time, I'm going to go the gym to get in one last workout. He was gone 2 hours.
Turns out he lied. He went to a relatives house and bought drugs (adderall). This is actually a shock because I didn't know he was doing this. (He swears this is the first time) I said why? He said he feels tired all the time and doesn't want to let his friends down as they are in a tournament after winning first place locally. I FREAKED. I am losing all feelings for him now. I resent him and his lies. He is a good man most of the time, excellent worker, dad, etc. But I am drained. Should I go?
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I know how it feels to be lied to and a revelation you did not expect. Everything you thought you believed about something or someone, that all is consistently as portrayed, is not actually. I know I would be hurt that my partner would not turn to me when he was going through something whether major or minor. My ex was something like this. My second husband, not at all. I must caution you, I did everything to give the ex chances to get his life back on track, a new friend (ex counselor) noticed the husband had some kind of mental illness and that likely is what caused him to treat me terribly, abusively. I said I couldn't take much more as the stress was affecting my health so the friend talked to the husband, talking him into going to see a mental health specialist. It wasn't a good marriage to begin with, we were not compatible in many areas but I was willing to stay because of the kids. Then one day I heard him on the phone tell a friend that he was faking it all to keep me, that he knew there was nothing wrong with himself and he was doing this just to keep me from leaving him and actually once I was no longer going to the initial visits with him, he would pretend he was going but not really go. So when I heard that, I knew I had done everything. He had refused to go to couple counseling long before this point and kept telling me that I was the problem. You don't want to jump the gun here. I am not saying that leaving him right now should be your first choice. Instead, give him some chances. You can't drag him or force him to go to marriage counseling but I suggest trying. If he is willing to take to heart what you both learn in counseling, perhaps the marriage will improve and your love and bond be stronger than ever. You have kids you said. So you have to think of how it will affect them. In some cases, it is better for a woman to leave the man with her kids if the kids grow up with an abusive father who abuses the wife or all of them. That is not the case here.
My best guess? Plenty of Males have a trait they are born with to want to protect and take care of their family and any other obligations, like job, a team, etc. For some crazy reason, men feel they have to be strong always, can't feel weak, sick (my current husband has worked often when really sick) tired, or have something physically wrong, whether serious or something that comes with age for many like erectile dysfunction, problems with peeing, etc... I guess they feel it makes them look bad and that they;d be letting others down by admitting there is an issue rather than being able to face it, knowing they are human and have to take care of themselves. I tell my husband that such as 'You need to get more sleep as that is what helps you heal, or don't push yourself so hard. I love you and don't want my husband dying on me because he decided he didn't need to see a Dr or put it off too long. I think plenty of men are like this. The problem comes when they try to fix their situation by doing something unorthodox or not healthy. This is where your husband is at.
So the problems as I see it, he doesn't communicate with you or lean on you. When one is weak the other is strong and it goes back and forth for hubby and I. I believe that is one of the things that make a good marriage. He needs to be able to admit when he is having an issue instead of trying to fix it by doing something that can or will make his situation worse. Worse how? He may become so reliant on drugs to be able to be totally able to do all that is required of him that eventually what he is taking won't work and he goes on to stronger drugs and eventually becomes a drug addict. He may not be that yet but he is definitely on the wrong road here. If he is feeling tired all the time, he needs to have his Dr. check him out. What if its as simple as an iron deficiency or some vitamin or other supplement that he is low on? That can happen as we get older and he is 54 and this stuff can start even before his age, but usually in the 50s 60s.
The fact that he voluntarily and quickly said this was the first time is likely not true unless you asked him point blank if this was the first and only time he's done this. If he said he was feeling tired all the time, I hardly think a person would turn to taking a drug not prescribed to them after only a few days of feeling tired. The tiredness has likely been around a bit longer and like a guy, they brush off stuff that would have a female going in for a check up.
It is possible he has this problem due to what he eats and how he eats. It is well known that a body can become addicted to sugar and the sugar we get as our bodies turn carbs into sugar. When sugar in the system runs low, and sugar acts like a drug, you will go through withdrawals which from my personal experience is feeling weak, shaky, tired. I am a person always moving and on the go and I know I have stubbornly worked through whatever project I was busy at, delaying my eating so I will get like this. NOw that I am older, sugar is definitely my enemy. The moment I have eaten too much sugary stuff, and there is hidden sugar in all processed foods, even plain yogurt I bought yesterday had a small amount. He may have been taking energy drinks which are mostly a combo of caffiene and sugar to give a boost of energy. This is very unhealthy. A young man came to my register buying two energy drinks. this man did not need any energy, he was in the 'bouncing off the walls' state. Very jittery, short tempered, he had to keep moving as I was ringing up his stuff and so he kept pounding his fist on surface of the counter and rocking around a bit and couldn't make eye contact as I told him his total. It took 3 tries to get through to him that I was asking for payment. Then he practically flung a couple bills at me. No one says it is bad for you. There are many things on the market approved by the FDA simply because there are no short term adverse effects or death from a food or drink. But there are plenty of tests done by Universities, and scientists and other groups who have proof that the long term effects of some things we take in every day or fairly often, can and will eventually affect a good chunk of people with a deadly disease. Diabetes is one, cancer and heart issues are others. I guess the FDA figures that by time the effects begin to show, a person will be old and their time to pass on will coincide with this. Not so. Something is obviously causing your husband to feel no energy so something about his lifestyle needs to change when it is discovered what is causing the problem.
I suggest asking him to see his Dr. AND also to start going to marriage counseling. His issue is more than just a medical one. He may be married but isn't confiding in you and making decisions on everything together with you. That is what has hurt you the most and made you so upset that you don't feel the love for him. Unless you haven't felt love for him in a longer time, then my guess is you only don't feel it right now due to how he has left you out of whats going on, acting more like a single person who can do whatever they want and it won't affect a girlfriend, wife, or kids. He wouldn't be the only one doing that but it is not healthy for a relationship and that alone should require seeing someone professional who can help you both pin point what the actual underlying are that cause any problems in the marriage. As you said, he is a good man. Hopefully he is good enough to realize he doesn't have a choice, he and you need to go to counseling and he needs to see the Dr. If he refuses, then my suggestion is giving an ultimatum, that you are serious enough about this all that if he refuses, you will separate and if he still doesn't come around in a reasonable time, only then go for a divorce.
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