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How to navigate "needing some time"?
So i recently reconnected with a guy I knew ten years ago through mutual friends. Immediately there was spark. Good connection, good conversation, comfort in being yourself without fear of judgement. Just easy. It moved fast, I won't deny that. And in the beginning he expressed that while he had been on many dates since his divorce (April), he was gun shy. I took his lead, trying to give him the pace that he needed. But he seemed very much into it. In fact he was spear heading the pace, and us. Though for those first few weeks he acted the complete opposite of gun shy. We talked all day every day, we saw each other most days as well. He would say things like "is it too soon to see a future with you" or "I could see myself falling in love with you", all that kind of stuff. Very sweet, very lovey-dovey, very open about emotions.
Fast forward two weeks to when he became "overwhelmed". We didn't see each other for a week, I am an anxious agonizer. It was a rough week for me. When I did see him he expressed he had been just as unhappy and that seeing me was the highlight of his week. That he does want to be with me, that none of the things he said were lies. But he's just not sure he's ready, that he is afraid to get hurt. Though also admitting he thinks he could have overthought it to the point were he wasn't even sure he isn't ready. When I expressed frustration because he had given me one impression only to rip the rug out, and that I didn't know how to be just his friend. He asked "can you just give me a little time? for all I know I'll come home this weekend and just know I should go for it". He woke me up three times that night whispering in my ear that he's sorry he hurt me, and that he truly does like me. When were together it's just like it's always been. When were apart is when it's off.
He was at a bachelor party over the weekend, was sweet and asked if I missed him and was thinking of him, and when I said yes he said the feeling was mutual. When I message him sweet things now he mostly just doesn't acknowledge it (I've stopped now) and I know I can't expect him to say it back now. When we talked about it "he didn't want to give me false impressions".
Last night I saw him again for the first time in the last week. I was pleasant, but more distance and less affectionate than normal. He noticed and brought it up. I said it was just confusing for me, to have him be so affectionate with me and so distant when we weren't together. He asked if I just thought no contact would be better, that makes me very sad so I said no.
The night was great, as always. He told me that I do things to him and he does like me and he really does miss me. Just cause he can't offer me anything right now doesn't mean those things aren't true. He said something like he wished he didn't like me, because it would be easier.
We were talking and he's like see you think you're the only one who thinks too much and I said the I don't let it run me thing and he responded by saying he does and kissed me on the forehead. I get being scared, I'm not knocking that. But the inconsistency is very hard.
I don't know how to act. How do you distance yourself to protect yourself in case he doesn't choose you in the end, but still remain hopeful and best enjoy the time you get to spend together. Feeling like were "together" when were together, the picture of the "false impression" he's afraid of giving me; and the distance and confusion of being apart. I think there's great potential here, and I think he does too. But I've become very discouraged and unsure how to act or feel. I've never had a guy "need time" but actually stick around. Usually the "need time" is just an excuse to leave and soften the blow of it.
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I have no idea his age as that may have an impact on why he is acting this way. If you knew each other 10 years ago but were age 10, then he's 20 now. If in HS, then in late twenties now and so forth. I have actually gone through this scenerio with a guy but he was 50 and I was late 40s. With more life experience and the later in life part, its not unheard of that guys might handle this differently, especially if your male friend is anywhere from mid thirties to younger and not ready to settle down and marry. Like you, the guy I met after a divorce met me first at a Starbucks. From there we went to dinner a few days later. Then I was invited to his house where we talked into the few hours of the morning and he asked me to come back the next day later after we'd caught up on sleep. We saw each other almost everyday not because I was demanding it but because he kept asking me and I liked him enough to want to be with him. He'd been married once decades ago and had not dated since and had never thought about having a serious relationship with a female since then. I was more recently divorced and met him in the area my sister lived because I was staying with her after a divorce.
One day after a couple weeks of not being able to stay away from me and things and feelings developing out of hand fast, it freaked him out. Of course he is older so he wanted time away from seeing me and said he needed some time, and asked that we not meet or even call for a week. I said okay and was honoring that. After about 4 days, he had had enough time to think about the situation of the whirlwind romance and decided he was okay with it and being older, wanted to enjoy what life brought his way without feeling nervous or unsettled simply because it works so great so fast. So he called while I was at work and left a message asking me to call. So at lunch break, I called him and the first thing he said was thank you for calling, I was afraid you wouldn't because you might be angry. He asked if I would come straight to his place after work as he wanted to explain why he was cutting this week break short.
When I arrived he explained that he had thought a lot about the situation, not just how he felt when with me but how fast things were going. I agreed the relationship took off very fast too. He confessed it had scared him because he had not given anything like that a thought and hadn't dated in a long time and simply had not thought ahead of whether he even wanted something like this, hadn't had any special wishes or plans in mind. But he found that he missed me very much and didn't want to wait until the next weekend so he was thankful I had called him back and was so understanding. He wasn't looking to marry at his age, just have a long term girlfriend. I believe that men who haven't thought ahead to whether they are ready for something serious, can get pretty unsettled in their minds when that actually falls into their lap unexpectedly. Your boyfriend did the typical male thing of asking for more time or a break, however i am thinking that perhaps like the guy I was with, he hasn't taken time to really think through the logistics like my guy did. Like does he even want something serious? Does he want only a girlfriend for social dating or if he ready to look for a woman to marry? And so on. For him to be flipping back and forth as to being on again, off again with you, that makes me think he hasn't given this enough thought. He would be able to make a decision and feel settled and content if he gave some real thinking into the situation, not just thinking about how much he likes you and misses you. That will never help him feel reassured if he isn't thinking more. So you may have to prompt him to do so and be okay with if he decides this isn't what he wants, something so perfect and serious. Women easily overthink things but often some men don't think enough and could do with exploring a bit of more in depth thinking on a subject and all possible outcomes and whether they are comfortable with that or not. So Try to get him talking not about his feelings for you but the feelings of the situation.
I agree its odd for him to say he needs time, but then hang around. And yes, sometimes its an excuse to distance oneself before leaving for good.
I don't feel thats the case with him. He simply hasn't thought through this all. So think of it as you being a counselor and asking him questions to direct him into really thinking about what his actual issues here are in the first place. Until he faces those and thinks through them and realizes he really does have issues and is not ready for a serious relationship, or he is ready but was scared at how suddenly it happened, he will keep being inconsistent. If he doesn't work with you and take time to really give thought to what his issues really are here, then you may have to tell him you need a man who has decided he is ready for a relationship, or if wanting to marry you say, a man who is looking for the right woman to marry. If he can't or won't work through it and is on again off again with you, then you might leave him for something more sure. In the mean while, while he is deciding what he wants or not, you are going to get out there and date socially. If by chance you meet someone perfect before he has decided he is in this with you for ever, then he may lose you. YOU know there is great potential with him but if he isn't willing to look deep within and come to grips with and identify what it is he is scared of, then you won't wait and unknown amount of time for him or wait forever.
Sometimes, just leaving for a while is enough for a guy to finally get serious and really give this some deep thought. And sometimes, he would rather let you go than face his feelings or fears. I know it can hurt to make that move, as I've done it on another occasion and he decided not to come after me. In the end, I am glad looking back not because I wouldn't have been single to meet the man I married, my 2nd husband.
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