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I feel real anger that he broke up with me...
I’m leaving the place because of too much heartache as he broke up with me and I can’t seem to get over him as we still catch up once a week, we’re still in touch but just once I told him today I’ll be moving from this place in 3 weeks time he said HE’S SAD and “HE WILL MISS ME” and I’m like what the hell and it was all through the text. I love him still and he knows that but also I feel real anger that he broke up with me. He will me he says, I just don’t get it and he’s saying he will try visit me at my new place. Am I not understanding nothing here??
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As to not understanding, I think it's more of not knowing enough about interacting in any kind of relationship and the kind of love each type of relationship has. You do know some of this already. When your Mom says I love you, you don't assume it is a romantic love she has for you or a sister saying the same doesn't mean she is gay and hitting on you for a romantic relationship, Right? See, I knew you know this much. However when it comes to the kind of person you want to date or have been dating, many young women assume it can only be romantic love, not friendship love. That is NOT true. Just because lets say a girl loves a guy or another girl romantically, does not guarantee they will feel the same love in return. They may only feel the friendship love. And that brings me to what he said. Missing you is normal for close friends. If you didn't see your Mom for a year, wouldn't you be really missing her? Or Dad, or siblings, or other people close to you? This is not him vascillating, going back and forth on the kind of feelings he has for you as in being in love one day, breaking up the next and then days after being in love with you again. So I can only assume you are confused because this is what you were thinking.
So your next question will be, so why did he date me anyways even if he had no romantic feelings for me. Well, that is another thing about relationships that many don't know. To explain, I will ask you to remember a toy you asked the parents for one christmas, a toy you wanted more than any past Christmas, you dreamed about it and hoped fervently to get it and you did. Now remember that excited feeling you had when you first unwrapped it and played with it. Whether you did liked it or not a week or two later, the feeling you had for this special hoped for toy began to fade at some point so it didn't feel as exciting as the day you recieved it. This is a type of energy, this excitement over something new. So if the toy wasn't a good match for a kid because it really couldn't hold the kids attention, it is best to not play with it. I wanted a life size standing doll my height when I was 4 yrs old. After I got it, I quickly got tired of it, mainly trying to carry around something my size. I needed interactive gifts having things to do with arts or crafts which I discovered quickly and the parents took note of. It doesn't mean the doll would be wrong for someone else.
Now here's how this applies to relationships and most likely yours with the ex. There is a term for this heightened excitement in a new relationship. Everyone feels it, I have with each new guy I've ever dated including two husbands. It is called New Relationship Energy (NRE) and its that head in the clouds feeling with lots of warm feelings and tingles and electric currents running through you when with that person early on. Its an excitement that they chose you to date and feel as interested as you do. In fact most people are fooled into thinking that NRE is the same thing as both being compatible in all ways. Therefore, if a person was never going to feel romantic love for a person but is feeling NRE, they can mistake that as being in love. Then as soon as NRE fades, what they are left with is not feeling excited about you romantically or sexually, just enjoying you as a friend which should have happened in the beginning. This is why I believe its best to start as friends and after a few months see if the romantic feelings appear or were there all along.
This NRE is like a drug for some people, and it does the same thing many drugs do, make you feel wonderful or like you are stoned, giddy, happy. So as soon as NRE fades, the person breaks up and dates another new person until that also naturally fades to become what is the real relationship. In some circumstances, a guy left a girl who would have made the perfect wife and lover but since the long term feelings didn't match the heightened one of NRE, they either assumed they fell out of love or they don't care about the person as much as feeling NRE, their drug of choice because they get some of the same highs as taking a drug and its not illegal.
This could easily explain that your guy may have felt NRE in the beginning, and broke up when it faded or went on for a while longer, thinking he was the one with the problem and trying to make his way back to what he felt in the beginning but unfortunately NRE is a one time thing for each new person or each perfect new gift you get or thing you buy yourself. If you can understand that most likely what I just explained applies to you both, then you won't feel confused anymore. Dissappointed maybe that he didn't turn out to be the one for you, but that is something a person can't choose, you either have the right pheromone chemistry for this to go beyond friendship or not. He discovered he did not feel the chemistry so he's actually doing the right thing, stopping the romantic relationship. He wants to stay in touch as friends. That part is up to each individual whether they want to or not. As each of you find a new romantic partner, your new partners may not appreciate you being friends with someone you used to date, and actually be jealous and demand you not see them at all. That is a quite reasonable response unless they have a chance to meet and see the two of you interact and see that it is truly just friends now. I hope this helps you dear.
One last thing I will say is that some people date socially, only to have someone for events to hang out with and this may progress to friends with benefits but there is no intention of looking for a life time partner. Be sure to ask for what reason a person is dating and what they are looking for. Because there will always be those who are looking for their life long mate and the only way to find them is to date one person after another until you are sure exactly what it is you are looking for and this is not the social reason for dating but the investigative dating, to determine if the person you are seeing is right for you, if both of you agree each other is the one, you move into committed relationship and marriage, if not, you break up and start checking out others. So the breakups in relationships, painful as they may initially be, don't have to hurt for long or forever if your can direct your thoughts on this to understand, the one who broke up with you realized that the two of you just didn't have the chemistry needed for a romantic relationship. You don't want to end up long term with the wrong person only to find that out 10 years or more from now. That is a bigger mess. So there is really nothing wrong with ending a romantic relationship for the reasons I mentioned.
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