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It's ridiculous
I am about to be in my 30's and I have the worst luck with guys. I have many books on relationships and they have helped in the past. However, I am meeting all the wrong guys. Everytime I like a guy they don't like me back or I seem to attract creeps. I'm seriously stuck in a rut and have no idea what is wrong with me. I have been trying so hard to focus on myself and have been going to school with working. All my life I have had no luck with guys and constantly get hurt. Everytime I meet a guy something goes wrong and they are unavailable. I am so sick and tired of running in this unhealthy cycle of meeting creeps or jerks who have no interest. This last guy I liked I thought we had a connection then he ghost me out of no where. Next, I think I like this guy and now I think he's starting to ghost me as well but he's younger than me. I have completely lost faith in guys and everytime I like someone I end up getting hurt. I barely go out and have to focus on school. I've tried online dating and it's beyond disgusting and ridiculous. All I want to do is date- is that so bad? I feel like I am the only girl who is out there like this. I am working on myself and trying to work on my image. I don't do the hook up culture. I am just so sick and tired of liking someone then getting crapped on. I have no idea what to do. Just be nice to have someone to go out and do stuff with. Is it wrong to go after young guys? I usually prefer older guys but sometimes I think maybe some younger guys aren't that bad? Now I just think every guy is the same and the same cycle will just go back and hurt me again. Am I the only person who has bad luck with the opposite sex? What's wrong with me? I'm starting to think it's the area I live in but honestly I just think it's the disgusting culture we live in and how selfish people are.
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You are at the age when some guys who were just playing around are now ready to be serious and find the woman they want to marry and grow old with. Guys in their twenties for the most part resemble teenage boys more than resembling adult men in their behavior and also other things. So it really isn't your fault that you haven't found someone yet. There are also more females than males in society. However I may have something that could help. After a divorce, I knew what I didn't want. I created a list of what I needed and wanted in a male but came up with that list after being able to write the equivalent of a resume for myself, that highlights my strengths and weaknesses and what I need in a male. First marriage was abusive so I needed a man who had no temper, didn't yell and would build up a person rather than tear them down. I got exactly what I wanted but had to date a lot of guys for about two years before he wrote to me. To be fair, he'd seen my dating profile earlier but thought I was too good to be true so he refused to write for at least a year of that time. So for you, it could take less time. I will paste in the instructions which you can use same in regular dating as in dating sites. However if you don't want to wait too much longer to find a guy who wants to marry and have kids, then it is best to find them on a dating site that one has to pay to join. Scammers are everywhere. They put in little about themselves and won't meet in person and create crisis all the time and then ask to borrow money...big amounts. I am not rich enough to have a spare $50 or $100 that isn't earmarked for a bill. So a site like Match.com is a place more likely to narrow down the search for possibilities of men your age who do want to meet in person and aren't asking for cash. Keep in mind that even if on screen a guy sounds perfect and I met some like that, when we met in person we both realized that we did not have chemistry, even if we had liked each others looks. This is that kind of chemistry needed to make a romantic kiss send all sorts of good sensations rushing through you. Without chemistry, a kiss would be gross, feel yucky, like a male relative just gave you a romantic kiss. So whether you meet in person or narrow it down faster on line the list making to find Mr Right should help. And anytime you have a question or what my opinion on what a guy wrote to you or in his profile to spot possible problems and avoid them, let me know and I'd be glad to help out. Heres that info I promised:
How to find Mr. Right
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. Or hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
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