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Crazy feelings
Hello,
First off, thank you so much for your help. I’m a 26 year old girl who has never been in a relationship. My dating experience consists of dating people for no longer than about two weeks and some sexual experimentation (but not sex yet). I’m writing because I feel so strongly about someone I feel physically ill and somewhat insane. I met a man last week who I was instantly attracted to from the moment we met. The chemistry was incredible from the get-go. I’m not sure I ever truly experienced this before. Immediately I thought, “I have a crush on him.” I found myself faintly thinking about our relationship 30 minutes into knowing him. I tried to dismiss how intense these feelings really were because I didn’t want to get hurt and I thought I was making it all up in my head. He is a very attractive and charismatic man and I thought I was just falling prey to that. We are aspiring opera singers and met at an opera performance. So after the performance the group of us went out to dinner. At dinner, he and I couldn’t stop looking at each other and smiling. I assumed with his charismatic nature he was probably like this with everyone and chastised myself for always falling for these types of guys. By the end of the night, he told me he found me very attractive. I was elated to hear this, but still paranoid that he probably treats everyone this way. You can see how low my self-esteem is. He gave me a ride home and I 100% by accident, took his bag of books with me from his car. Part of me was ecstatic about getting to see him again to give him back his books and part of me felt scared. At this point we’d definitely be seeing each other again. We arranged for me to return his books back to him and of course it ended up being a date.
Before I move on, let me add some details about him. I knew he was older than me, but it turns out he is an entire 25 years my senior. Additionally he has a primary career as a professional athlete and is insanely wealthy. All of this is starting to freak me out (in good and bad ways).
The date ended up being an absolutely amazing day of us hanging out from early morning until late at night. We went to the beach, we rode bikes, and sang together in his apartment which has the most amazing view of manhattan I have ever seen. I watched him practice golf in his living room (of which he is a pro instructor).
He kept telling me that he felt something special right when we met, and that we had a rare connection. He told me it’s rare to feel this way about someone. I confessed that I assumed he experiences this with every woman and he said no, not at all. All day he kept telling me how much he loved my quirky mind and how beautiful I was. While we did not have sex, we were sexually intimate all day and fooled around a bit. I haven’t been touched like this in so long and given our intense emotional connection, it felt amazing. He was very nurturing to me in certain conversations and I felt like he truly understood me. It felt unbelievable to be praised and paid attention to. By the end of the night we were cuddling and kissing non-stop like a couple and it felt so natural.
This is the first time I’ve felt this intensely about a person. Every time I have feelings for someone I just assume that it will go badly and that it won’t result in anything but heartbreak and unrequited love (because, to be honest, it’s happened in the past). But the first couple days after seeing him I felt joy and excitement beyond belief. I caught myself smiling and daydreaming nonstop and had butterflies in my stomach. The feelings of joy crashed into anxiety and sadness eventually though. The self-doubt and not feeling good enough finally set in. Ever since I met him I’ve felt a combination of extremely high highs and extremely low lows. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep well. My mind is constantly on him. My stomach and chest feel hot and uneasy. I’m hot then I’m cold. I have never experienced such intense PHYSICAL sensations before tied to my emotions. Is this normal?
He is out of the country and it is agonizing that I won’t be able to see him for at least 3 weeks. It feels like a year. Additionally I too am leaving for a singing training program this weekend and still have to pack and make last minute preparations and can’t focus one bit. I’m very worried that what needs to get done won’t before Saturday. Also I want to be as focused as possible when I’m there and I’m worried this will get in the way.
Another thing that keeps freaking me out is his status in life. I am very intimidated by his wealth and success and paranoid that I am too ordinary and not good enough for it. I also keep assuming he must have a big ego if he’s a pro athlete and that rich but I think maybe these are just judgments. I love that he is so much older than me, but that too intimidates me.
How can I deal with these extremely intense fluctuating feelings? Last night I was trying to pack for Saturday and had a panic attack. These feelings of panic alternate with feelings of giddiness and joy and it’s all just extremely intense and scary.
At this point I feel like, I’m in love with him even though we only had one date. When he gets back should I be upfront about the fact that I want to be with him? Would it be okay to ask him where he sees this going? I don’t want my heart played with. I experience anxiety and depression and have severed relationships with my parents and have a lot going on now. I feel like I can’t make it through a major heartbreak right now. What should I say to him?
What are your general thoughts on all this? I’m feeling very intense and
vulnerable and it is scaring me. It feels lonely not to be able to talk to anyone about this. I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to read this and giving me advice.
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Hi Hon. Wow, he sounds like a wonderful guy. I know 25 years is a big gap but if he is in good health, then why not. I had to chuckle when you said you were paranoid that you are too ordinary and not good enough for him. I felt that with my second husband when I had read his profile and message. He sounded like he was some college professor and his knowledge so great that what I knew would look in comparison like a country bumpkin. I used to be socially anxious with low self esteem and no confidence...so I understand what you are going through.
What I will say is that you can't protect your heart from hurt by getting cold feet and ending relationships before they start. It is obvious he is taken with you. When he's back, he will call, I am sure of it. Since he is older, he also knows he had less time left on earth than you. He is mature enough to know that he wants to enjoy the rest of his life now and not wait for anything. So, despite your age, he is looking for more than a young thing to feel young again like men in middle age crisis. I think it may be possible he never married. Or even if he is divorced, it is hard for wealthy singles and celebrities to find the love of their life and if a past famous athlete as well, it's doubly so. There will be too many women in his past who wanted him for his money or fame, not because they loved him. So what do you think if you were the wealthy person and everyone you meet only wants you to spend your money on them. HOw can you know someone likes you for you, not your fame or money? It would have to be someone who doesn't even know you are rich. So he meets you, he likes what he sees and you also had no idea who he was other than a guy who sings opera like you. That is refreshing for someone in his position. I will send you something to help confirm if he is the right man for you. You will have to make a list so carry a note pad in your purse to jot down more things as they come to mind. You can't do this in a day or two. Your mind will go blank on you. Once you have completed your list, you will use it to compare with him. How many of your criteria does he meet. The more he comes close to what is the ideal man for you, the more sure you will be and you won't have to overthink it or double guess yourself. There are celebrities who are not into displaying their wealth or gloating about it. Many like to remain anonymous and stay hidden in average lives. One like that is Keanu Reeves. He doesn't drive a brand new car or wear designer clothes. He drives some really old car and wear stuff like Tshirts and jeans. Just take your time. About your feelings, this is what is called having your head up in the clouds. Basically, your mind is in outer space so to speak, you aren't connect to or aware of the things going on around you because your mind is filled with and focused on him. It's like this with all people. It happens at the beginning of a relationship. It is an elated feeling that is stronger than the average love feelings a couple has. In the beginning it is so strong and feels so good that some people are addicted to that feeling and will start and then break up and repeat over and over to feel the New Relationship Energy each time they meet a new person. This is like a drug induced craziness about a person. I know, I have felt it several times. If you tell yourself while he's gone to focus on the list instead of him, that will be a good distraction. Now I will paste it in for you. Later if you want a list to know if he loves you, there are only 7 questions to it, a list I got off line and added to it. Heres the info called Finding Mr. Right.
I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. Or hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.
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