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Confused Feelings with my Best Friend
So I am confused right now. I have this super close friend of mine who is now abroad. But before she left, we are already super close, and I am always there for her everytime when she had problems. She calls me at night crying her heart out about her relationship with her boyfriend who mistreats her badly. I always find ways to make her happy and cheering her up that we already have this so called bond as super BFF's. Lately they parted ways with her BF and she is alright now. We do have some communication every week, and I usually check on her if she already has eaten, how her day was going, those kinds of things. And she always says that, I always care for her compared to her XBF.
We had this chat in the last coupe of weeks and she kept teasing me that I should court her, something like that. We do have talks like that every now and then and when I try to care for her even more, she shrugs it off and tells me that I am acting weird in a very joking fashiony.. But her actions seems to be the opposite. Every time we chat she alays sends picture of her work, herself, and by the time she sleep she always asks permission that she needs to sleep ahead beccause of her work. And if she doesn't able to reply to my messages, she tells me that she is busy of her work (which is really true) and promises me that she will have time for me in which she keeps her promises. and to top it all, she said that we should be together and she told me that she is willing to sponsor my stay and trip abroad with her, until I get a job and repay her when I am able to work there. We also talk about the future.
So my question, does she really like me? Or do I really have a chance with her? She is sending me mixed signals and I really don't know what to do right now. I am falling for her .
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You did not mention whether you are male or female. The fact she dated a male, as in your mentioning her ex boyfriend doesn't count as in todays time, it is well known that a person can be bi-sexual.
So if you are female, its the same as a hetero relationship. You will not have amorous feelings and sexual desires with every person you meet regardless of sex. If she were interested in you that way, she'd have done something about it by now.
No matter that I just wrote that, I tend to beleive you are a male best friend. And what you are choosing to believe are hints she wants you, can very likely not be hints at all.
You live in a time where sex and everything about it is openly talked about. Nothing hidden so we assume that many innocent gestures or things said may possibly be clues that person wants us.
SO even if you are male and her female, people today tend to be more confused than ever, even if hetero and tend to see signs where there may not be any.
Sounds like you may have feelings for her and have been patiently waiting for her to realize her male best friend has feelings for her. This is called the friend zone. You are in it for a reason.
Most likely reason is that she knows for sure she will never have the kind of desires for you that is needed in a couples relationship. A truly fulfilling happy relationship is built on a base of two things, being the best of friends, and being each others sexual equal. You have only one right now that you can be sure of.
Lets look at the signals you're getting:
she kept teasing me that I should court her--If you are a male, then sometimes females say things that do not directly say what it is they want to convey. I try not to and don't much but my husband still catches me at it, especially when I wasn't aware I was doing it. It must be a trait ingrained in females. So saying what she did could very easily have meant "It would be nice if I felt romantically about you cus then it would be great and you could date me. Unfortunately I love you only as a friend, and not as a lover."
If you are a male, then you know that males when they hear of a need they can fill or it sounds like someone complaining, they assume the person wants help. Males tend to like to be of help and so you begin to attempt to fix things. You have talked to her and cheered her up, been there for her but the best solution to her issue would be if the two of you became a couple. Plenty of people are married who are best friends but they have no sex life and sometimes after times has gone by, one finally can't stand being celibate or seldom sex and looks for it elsewhere, having an affair or sex relationship. The trick isn't finding two people, one to supply each, but find one person with both qualities.
I think what has you confused most is when she said you both should be together and she'd help you make the trip to come and stay there.
What she could have actually meant is, I don't like having my best support person so far away and only reachable by phone. I wish my support person was here with me, maybe even willing to stay with me, only as friends, not as lovers, but to stay and even if living separate, it would be good for me because my only real support person is still near by and just a face to face visit away.
It could be that this is her solution to her problems in her mind, not realizing that she is only thinking of herself first, and boiled down, it really is more of using you to help her feel better, without giving thought to whether such a move is really beneficial to you, especially if you relocate only to still be just her best friend. So you have more talking to do. You need to get her to see what the things she is saying could mean to someone else. YOu also need to let her know that of recently your feelings for her have begun to change.
I know you may be afraid to say it for fear of scaring her off. But there is a way. As long as a person hears that it is a process just begun and that you are not already there, not totally in love with, then there is a possibility that can change and so they don't freak out when a best friend says, "I am starting to have feelings for you, the kind in a couple relationship who are dating, not as just a best friend."
There is a high point to share after all this negative. Sorry but it was best to tackle the things you may not have wanted to hear first, things that there is nothing in the world that could change it. ITs the pheromones you're born with that attract or repel depending on how close a match both of yours are. Works same in animal kingdom. So she can think you are a gorgeous male, sexually hot looking but not have one ounce of sexual desire for you. Truth be told, guys can end up in such a situation too if they are good at knowing when they are experiencing lust for a lady looks rather than love. Men too can see a beautiful women but feel no sexual desire for her in the long term.
The good point is, that sometimes, when best friends end up being together so long as BFFs, and friendship is what they started as, it can become more of a habit to not question things and just accept the friendship and look for a lover elsewhere. We don't stop to think that the best relationships out there are ones where the couple is not only best of friends but also the best sexual match.
SO how do you convey that to her? There is again a right way to introduce that thought to her. Next phone call if you want, you simply say "You know, we've been doing so well all this time as best of friends, it makes me wonder how well we would do if we were actual bf and gf? What do you think?"
Okay, I know that sounds scary too. But look at it closely. You don't state it as fact, though it very well may be but have only stated you are 'wondering'. Wondering is not threatening to others so its a good word to use. At the end, you must ask the part 'What do you think?' This implies you really are wondering, not gung ho about and hoping she wants you for a mate, you simply got this idea in your head and asking what she thinks of it will give her a chance to respond and share exactly how she feels. SHe will be comfortable to answer you because you haven't stated that you are in love, which you may not yet be, but either way, its not a heavy thing hanging over her making her feel like she has to answer the way you want in order to not hurt your feelings or worse, the fear of losing you as a friend if she did reveal how she feels. So how you say it, and I think I have refined it well, is very important. At the end, refer back to what you said ask her to think about it. What has she got to lose if trying out the more than friends part doesn't work because you'd still be friends.
If she gets to the point of being open enough to state that you would be the perfect boyfriend material because you alreadly have all the traits, but that she just doesnt feel anything for you, then see if she is willing to at least give it a try if you came out to visit. Make it a vacation to stay with her but not a move to relocate until you have both given the more than friens part a real good chance. Sometimes, a male best friend sends out signals that they are not hot lover, romantic partner material. The men who are more of the ones to just grab a woman and kiss her are the ones who often get the message across to some women that they are more than just a friend possibility. The more polite guys, often just get seen as a friend. So you may want to test this theory out and be sure before considering relocating. Unless you are okay with being no more than her 'run to support person' and be of service to her for the rest of your life with no girlfriend, wife, kids or any kind of real fulfilling relationship with a mate of your own.
Thats all up to you. And there is nothing wrong with that. However you have to be okay with that long term, not for say one year and if no change, then you get upset and decide to leave there and come back home which may hurt her more than you not coming out as she suggested in the first place. Its your choice. But definately more talking is required. And do not accept what she says at face value. If she says something that sounds hopeful to you, you say,
"Okay, If I am understanding you right, what you meant is....." and put it in different words that state the same thing. She will let you know if you understood right or wrong. This actually would be a great skill to learn for a male because it will help you with any female you have any kind of conversation with for the rest of your life, coworkders, neighbor, friend, spouse, etc....
If you like, I'd like to hear back how it goes. I wish you well.
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