Member Since: March 5, 2011
Answers: 1
Last Update: March 5, 2011
Visitors: 605
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I am an 18 year old male and I have been a pretty emotionally dead person for...well since my early childhood. And when I say dead I don't mean depressed or really down or anything of that nature. It's nearly impossible for me to feel anything genuine and I can only put a mask of fakeness on so I don't seem so far out. When I was in a psychology class I read about something called anti-social personality disorder and it almost disturbed me how similar the symptoms were to my own character. I've done enough to put myself away for the better half of my life and I haven't felt a shred of remorse or conscience. Anyways, I'm wondering if my lack of emotion is a cause of concern. Nothing brings me joy, pain, or sorrow and I can't even feel love for my own family anymore. NOTHING will make me feel anything and it bothers me. All I feel like is a body and a brain without a soul. Something is wrong with me but I don't know what. I'm a very intelligent person and all it seems I can do is succeed with material things like work while my relationships are built on false pretenses and emotions I never even felt but acted like I did. My question is: If there is anybody somewhat educated about this...what could be wrong with me? Do I have anti-social personality disorder?...and am I stuck with this? (link)
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Neat, I never would've thought there are so many of us! :3
I'm a 14 year old girl and I'm going to try and tell you about myself.
I simulate emotions, put on masks, play chameleon... I don't actually feel what I'm supposed to feel at a given time. I simply can't.
I've come to accept that I'll be spending the majority of my life in my head. I observe people in order to understand them, and myself, better. I sometimes feel like I'm observing my own life too, like a bystander...kinda difficult to explain this one. I'm good at seeing through people, amongst other useful stuff. I have a completely neutral outlook on things, which helps a lot, but I'm after all as apathetic and uninvolved as they come, it's only natural.
Socializing is like a duty to me. I do my job well and I diligently perform. In the morning - a good daughter and a good sister, in the afternoon - a good friend and the list of roles goes on and on. I enjoy solitude, because I can relax and be myself. Performing exhausts me, as do people in general. I used to think that I'm stuck with a mask called apathy, simply because I've forgotten how my original face looks like. But what if I'm faceless to begin with?
I tried explaining it to my friends and they called it a gift, a good thing. Some even look up to me, asking me how do I do it. So I gave up on sharing not wanting to mold someone similar to me.
I think I lost the ability to feel when I was around 11. All I remember from that time is a chain of sleepless nights, which I spent thinking and then thinking some more. Everything else is so distant, like a dream I dreamt a long time ago. And then there I was, lacking a whole set of emotions.
One thing that makes me feel energized is CHALLENGE. For example, bungee jumping of a bridge felt...real. Another challenge that I've been considering is talking to a psychologist. More like manipulating & toying with one, but hey, it doesn't really matter, does it?
I've also noticed that other than sarcasm and irony, I'm also quite fond of morbid humour.
I wonder if they knew that I'm missing a few screws as a human being, what would they do? Me, labeled sociopath or antisocial? That'd be...interesting.
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