Member Since: September 6, 2012
Answers: 1
Last Update: September 6, 2012
Visitors: 747
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I am an 18 year old male and I have been a pretty emotionally dead person for...well since my early childhood. And when I say dead I don't mean depressed or really down or anything of that nature. It's nearly impossible for me to feel anything genuine and I can only put a mask of fakeness on so I don't seem so far out. When I was in a psychology class I read about something called anti-social personality disorder and it almost disturbed me how similar the symptoms were to my own character. I've done enough to put myself away for the better half of my life and I haven't felt a shred of remorse or conscience. Anyways, I'm wondering if my lack of emotion is a cause of concern. Nothing brings me joy, pain, or sorrow and I can't even feel love for my own family anymore. NOTHING will make me feel anything and it bothers me. All I feel like is a body and a brain without a soul. Something is wrong with me but I don't know what. I'm a very intelligent person and all it seems I can do is succeed with material things like work while my relationships are built on false pretenses and emotions I never even felt but acted like I did. My question is: If there is anybody somewhat educated about this...what could be wrong with me? Do I have anti-social personality disorder?...and am I stuck with this? (link)
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No, this is completely normal...... As normal as I am, anyhow. I'm 17 now, by the way.
My personality isn't quite like yours. I feel, but very differently than most. One might say that I don't feel at all, were they to live their life as me. The real me, not this illusion. What I've done, though it was difficult, was disguise my personality, like you did yours, under another. But I did this a long time ago, over a decade ago, with the intention of making it so my true self was completely buried. Now, it is. Think of it as a shell. My mask is my shell. My true self is the flesh underneath. Sometimes, the shell chips, and parts leak through. I can seal them, but it's hard.
The key is not to make others think this mask is real, it's to make YOU think it's real. Obviously, it's slowly coming back. I'm becoming more reserved, and I'm despising humans more and more. If you attempt this, beware that it may take some time, especially since you didn't start while you were as young as I was. 18 might be too late. Also, be careful not to revert to yourself, no matter what. If it hurts, let it.
My friend died, and I felt pain. But then, for some reason, without my doing, my true self slipped back for just a moment. And it didn't hurt nearly as much as it should have. What others will be like in 5 years after the death, I was in a less than a month. This is because I slipped.
Other than that, I can offer you a cause, but I guarantee you won't like it. Your intelligence. My case is the same, intelligence. I've found that the best way to conceal myself is to hide my intelligence. This pains me, as this is the one thing I want to keep. I'm not going stupid, but I literally don't perceive things as much as I should. More than removing it, I'm restraining it, holding it back, so anything gained is sealed as it enters. On the few times I have slipped, I noticed things I never would have without it. I could tell exactly where someone was going, and simply by watching them walk. It was freaky, and unexpected.
If you intend to use this strategy, seal your intelligence first. And by seal, I think I should clarify that you needn't act stupid or anything, simply try not to notice things that you normally do, things that others don't. Take time on things, try to steer around the answer for a bit. When this comes naturally to you, try to make it so you don't need to steer around the answers, make the path shorter. Then, seal everything else off. But start with intelligence.
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