Member Since: March 29, 2011
Answers: 1
Last Update: March 29, 2011
Visitors: 1148
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I am an 18 year old male and I have been a pretty emotionally dead person for...well since my early childhood. And when I say dead I don't mean depressed or really down or anything of that nature. It's nearly impossible for me to feel anything genuine and I can only put a mask of fakeness on so I don't seem so far out. When I was in a psychology class I read about something called anti-social personality disorder and it almost disturbed me how similar the symptoms were to my own character. I've done enough to put myself away for the better half of my life and I haven't felt a shred of remorse or conscience. Anyways, I'm wondering if my lack of emotion is a cause of concern. Nothing brings me joy, pain, or sorrow and I can't even feel love for my own family anymore. NOTHING will make me feel anything and it bothers me. All I feel like is a body and a brain without a soul. Something is wrong with me but I don't know what. I'm a very intelligent person and all it seems I can do is succeed with material things like work while my relationships are built on false pretenses and emotions I never even felt but acted like I did. My question is: If there is anybody somewhat educated about this...what could be wrong with me? Do I have anti-social personality disorder?...and am I stuck with this? (link)
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Let's see...I will be 24 this year and when I try to think back how far I've felt this way, I can't remember. All I can say is that it's been years since I've felt strong frequent emotions that were normally induced by frightening stimuli--abusive father.
These days, there isn't much that makes me feel anything. I feel more emotion watching a TV show than when a person in real life tells me their woes. Is that just because I've experienced far more than the average person--not that I've done much research into what the average person experiences but I'm making a note of it as I meet new people--or is it just because I'm more capable of connecting to fantasy worlds?
(Yes, I tend to find talking with people is more interesting because I like to analyze them rather than care that they are a human being at all. This is only in people I judge to be mundane. I long for a real connection.)
Sometimes it's hard for me to be polite to people. I recognize the situations in which a "white lie" is appropriate for most people, but I don't feel compelled to lie ever. I don't see the point in lying as it is mostly a product of fear. I don't understand privacy either which is just another excuse to keep your special little problems to yourself. Granted, there are times when someone else isn't qualified to judge your situation because they are not experiencing it first-hand, in which case it makes no sense to confide as you will get no resolution anyways. Venting does feel good though doesn't it?
Sorry, going off on tangents.
Anyways, I feel like I should be more worried about myself no that I've read all these responses--looking for someone with similar feelings, indeed. I did not read that anyone had feelings of--yes, I realize this is about not feeling anything but someone said something about a hint of feeling that doesn't grab on but, instead, exists as an underlying haze--malice, sadism...I think that's the best way I can describe it. It's not so much a negative or angry kind of violent feeling, but rather a perverse interest and comfort in others' suffering and the sight of blood. I've never hurt anyone, but I've cut myself out of boredom and emotional pain in the past.
I've always been more attuned to a darker side of myself. Approaching it with fascination and embracing it as somewhat of another person. Analyzing it as if it were a stranger. I've honored this part of myself in my art which has always been better if it portrays something violent or malevolent in nature. When I've finished with it, I sit back and look at it thinking, "Did I really make this? Why do I feel like it was someone else?"
These days the only thing that really makes me feel anything is knowing an animal is suffering or in pain. The two times that I've been exposed to it I felt insane. I can't even call it anger. It's more like a primal instinctual rage that rises up. That is one thing I cannot allow myself to feel. I don't know what I could do if I willingly exposed myself to that.
TLDR; I am the same as all of you have been, but with an air of optimism with an undertone of sadistic amusement and fascination with macabre things. Personally, I don't mind being like this now. For a while I was dismayed over not being able to commit, but now that I feel there is no point to anything and that all any of us are doing is waiting to die, I'm comfortable with meaninglessness. I'm also aware that no matter what, we all put on masks when we interact with others, even those that do feel emotions normally. We're not all that different from them. I don't think it should be approached any differently either when you're telling someone about yourself. Don't lie about who you are. Don't pretend to feel things when they aren't there. If the other person can't understand you, it's not your fault. It doesn't even necessarily mean that you have to change. Then again, I've come to the point where emotional moments are precious to me and that any emotion at all is nice to have in small amounts. So whereas the pursuit of happiness is the way to go for most people, for me it's the pursuit of truth and any emotion. Most people don't even know what makes them happy. All right I'm rambling again.
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