Member Since: June 8, 2012
Answers: 1
Last Update: June 8, 2012
Visitors: 458
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It sucks because I'd love to have a boyfriend or a best friend but it seems so out of reach and out of my control. I'm 18 and it's just embarrassing that I haven't experienced such things and I feel depressed over it. I don't think it could be my looks, cause being totally honest I think I look good. The only thing I want to change is my weight, cause I'm slightly overweight, according to my BMI, but it's hard to get motivated to work out and eat healthy when I feel depressed over my adolescence. I'm 18 but I don't even feel like an adult, really. I just feel like curling into a ball and hiding away from everyone. It's hard to even get motivation to clean my room. But my mom exaggerates my room being messy when I think my mental state is far more important than clothes being on the floor. My mom took away my laptop for not cleaning my room, so I have to use the one in the study room, but it's annoying because I'd rather just lock myself up in my room all day, and only leave to get food. It's pathetic but I don't know how to change. I just feel like my life has been going downhill since I was 6 and my family moved here to America from England. Last year I thought was the worst year of my life but this is, and it shouldn't have been, as it was my final year of high school. But there's absolutely nothing good about these past 2 school years, except the concerts I went to, and the two times I got to travel overseas. Everything else was total crap and I blame myself, cause I think it's mainly my fault, so I don't know why I'm causing soo much pain to myself. and then there's other issues I have to worry about, like race, because for some stupid reason most people aren't colorblind and a lot of people believe racial stereotypes and are racist in a way, when, as someone who's lived in 3 continents, I see the world as my home and I'd never not try to be friends with someone because of their ethnicity because I don't think that way at all. we're all individuals. but I've had some fake friends, like some people who used me and then if I saw them in the hallway they wouldn't even acknowledge me. what the hell? I find it hard to trust people. I even have trouble sharing really personal things with the therapist I just got. I'm just afraid. I criticize myself so I don't want someone else to criticize me for things I'm already worrying about. And I hate how I only get to see her once a week cause I feel like seeing her everyday. There's so much pain I just keep inside. And then I feel guilty, too, cause there's people who have way less than me who are happy and here I am moping about, so why can't I just be happy and move on?? I'm just so mad because I'm such a mess right now and I don't know how I'm going to be able to break free of this and be able to reach my dreams. (link)
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In my unprofessional opinion, it doesn't sound to me like you have intimacy issues so much as you may have a chemical unbalance resulting in mood disorder and anxiety .
My first thoughts reading this were " whoa what an interesting person, I bet she would be fascinating to talk to!
Honestly it's rare to meet a person who has lived on 3 different continents, let alone someone from England.,
For those reasons alone you have allot to offer.
I too have spent allot of time( quite honestly my life) isolating off to my happy place and that is asleep/ checked out from reality, only getting up to eat and use the bathroom I use to turn this activity into marathon sessions with my longest run being a month straight.
Never really knowing why I felt sad, just knowing that no one would ever understand what I was going through especially me!
I know alot of people's response would be "
How can someone with " everything" be depressed?, I don't buy it!!
People say this sort of thing to me all the time about other people, and I know there's nothing I can say to make them understand, you would have had to lived this lifestyle, and or been consumed by what it has to offer.
I have never been to a Doctor for it, part of me doesn't want to give it up, it's my escape from reality, and the only way I know how to cope in life.
I remember this behavior somewhat defining a huge part of who I am from about the age of 6, which was about the same time my brother was killed.
I have anxiety pretty bad.
I suffer from night terrors and have since I was ...........very little aprox- 4-6
I am a drug addict and an alcoholic.
This of what you speak is something that weighs on my mind all the time, something I need to address, something I always find time to allow to consume me, but never time to address the underlying issues?
My guess is because the underlying issues are for mature people with coping skills, people that live and grow and move forward in life with some kind of acceptance and willingness to feel the joy as well as the pain so they can grow.
This person is not me, all I want to do is not be told what to do, I like to have fun with a guarantee that no suffering will come from my actions
When something happens in my life , for instance the death of my Father, I completely lose it and realize how unstable and messed up I am.
I couldn't even take phone calls or talk about it for almost 3 years without having a melt down.
I'm stuck, because I've done nothing to address these issues
My Mother is now 83, you can guess what type of worries my days are consumed with, and how I fear for my own self when that dreadful day should come..
I'm lazy, I thought all my feelings of loneliness and despair would disappear someday and I would waltz off into the sunset being cheered on by admirer's from everywhere!
The further I get from that being reality, the more I want to sleep.
The more I want to sleep and isolate the more I want to push people away.
I'm now 48 years old.
Please keep searching, talking and reach out to others to get through your feelings.
Know that your worth more then anyone else and treat yourself accordingly,
It took me up until 2 years ago to figure all of this out,
I've always known something was wrong me and felt I was different, but couldn't pin point itl.
Your doing all the right things,, and I know you will keep on doing all the right things, just keep it moving in the right direction, and quit being so danm hard on yourself please!
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