Member Since: April 27, 2023
Answers: 1
Last Update: April 27, 2023
Visitors: 329
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My husband (36M) and I (35F) will be together 13 years, married for 10 years this summer. I have thought about divorcing him everyday for the past 8. We have a daughter (8F) together.
We we’re always fine until we moved to his hometown 8 years ago. Before that I was in the service and he was in construction. Once we got near his family- EVERYTHING changed.
His family, specifically his dad, is always around- every day - all day. I wake up and his truck is in my driveway. His other family members- mom, sister, uncle’s, grandparents are constantly here too. There is no peace. To the point where I cry (to myself) from frustration and now so does my daughter. We’re just like, “GO AWAY!”. They are all good people and no one is malicious or purposely trying to annoy us. They are just an extremely close family and they have welcomed me as truly one of them.
I’ve raised this issue to my husband and he tells me they’re not here as much as they are, that I’m crazy, that it’s not that bad, that I’m dramatic, that they just like me and why am I being so mean (I’m not mean to them directly but when I tell my husband it comes out as “this is absolutely ridiculous i can’t take it anymore “)
I run a successful business and my husband works for me, has for 5 years. So his income is completely dependent upon me. I don’t want to ruin him and I don’t want to keep our daughter from him. In fact, I don’t need child support of just like to require that he put a certain amount in savings for her each month.
If we divorced he’d have to go back to construction.
He’d also have to really downsize his lifestyle- he flaunts that “he” has money and has everything a man’s-man could want. If he wants it - he gets it. He asks me for it and if I say no he’ll just keep begging until I’m like, “fine! Go!” Like a kid he just wears you down and drives you crazy. I’m going to work to continue to build my business and have nothing to show for it.
He swears CONSTANTLY in front of our daughter “F this, F that.” He yells out loud about her friends in the other room “I don’t want that little fuck who can’t listen in my house - she’s an asshole”…he’s saying this about a little girl who is 8, and she can hear him, and she didn’t commit any serious offense. Maybe he said pick this up and she smarts back, “oh whatever 🙄” - that warrants that reaction.
Everything I say or experience is not accurate according to him. I was having a difficult day mentally once and told him what I was going through and he corrected me telling me how I experience my PTSD from the service. He’s never been in the military. He doesn’t have PTSD. HE’s NOT ME.
Another example would be - I told him my daughters friend can't come to her birthday party because her friend will be at her dads. Which I never said and I know I didn't because, how would I know that? I don't. He said I told him her mom texted me that. Again, how is that possible- "look at my texts, that's not there."
"Yes it is."
"Literally look"
"I'm not looking at something I know is there"
He's a Major gaslighter.
He is impossible to argue with because whatever he says is true, you can't even argue your side because he will tell you something in front of his face is not there. In a room full of people. Who have EYEBALLS. he's not delusional-he just refuses any truth that he doesn't like.
All day is constant guilt trips with him and things he needs - "I need this" "I need that" "I need your help" "how do I do this" he needs me to help him with the most ridiculous things or he'll say he needs help and has literally called me out to his garage to be there to watch him do something. Like a kid. I can tell how the way he is now is a direct effect of the way his parents raised him. He's still a boy. He wants to be up my butt 24/7 - just like his family.
He never, in his life, has ever had to pay the price for a mistake - big or small - and his behavior reflects that.
In 2019 I couldn't take it anymore- the gaslighting made me not know if what I experienced was true or not, I thought I was crazy. I was stressed out if my mind running/building the business, he worked for me at that point but really what he did was drink beer with his father all day, which he still does. He'll tell me he doesn't have time to get all of his work done while taking at least every Monday and most of Friday off to drink beer with his dad. It's insane.
Anyway, in 2019 I had enough and told him - for real this time because it was a regular occurrence, that I was divorcing him. This time was different and He knew I was serious initially he through a giant fit and when that didn't work he got on his hands and knees and cried and begged, "Please don't, please don't, please dont" over and over.
It didn't work. He went to stay at his parents and would call ME to have a shoulder to cry on about his hard time with this divorce. I would tell him - call one of his family members who are around him 24/7 , i an not the one he should be crying to. I had warned him and warned him. FOR YEARS. Of course he said he didn't know.
And at that point he couldn't gaslight me, he had to tell the truth because the second he'd try his shit with me he knew I'd shut down and not speak to him so his "I didn't know" went like this...
"I didn't know."
"How could you not know when I've told you several times? I'm not accepting that bullshit from you."
"..."
"Do you admit that I said what was wrong"
"Yes."
"Do you have ear that hear?"
"Yes"
"I speak English, do you comprehend English"
"Yes"
"Do you recognize how that'd make it impossible for you not to know then?"
"Yes"
"You knew, you just thought you were going to keep getting away with your bullshit."
"..."
However, I am - UNFORTUNATELY a very empathetic person. I can't stand to be in the room or on the phone with someone hurting. I hurt the same as they do. And I felt guilty even though I should not have. He knows this and made sure to stay around me constantly even though I'd say, "go away, you need to leave, stay away." Nope.
And he suckered me right back in.
The swearing in front of our daughter stopped.
His family was gone.
He'd kiss up to my family and friends.
He'd do everything for me.
And he complimented everything I am or did.
That was 2019.
Within 6 months, almost right back where we were.
He'd swear in front of our daughter and I'd say, "one of our agreements was that you were t going to speak like that in front of her."
"I don't fucking care."
And that's where I am at. I do not understand how someone who LITERALLY KNOWS he is going to lose his house, his wife, his job, his truck, his EVERYTHING and already almost did would continue to do those exact actions - as if the clock had not already ran out on him before...
What saved him last time was 2 things - MY family, who told me to leave him, flipped on me and were all basically like "we feel bad for him." "Are you sure?" And "well I'd never tell you to get a divorce but I'll support you no matter what you choose."
they did tell me that
I had chosen soooo....wtf?
The other, and this is the big one still holding me back, is my relationship with god. I know it says divorce is a sin and you shouldn't get divorced - for better or for worse. This is my for worse. I also don't think god put me here to be miserable my entire life. I understand long-suffering when it comes to serving the lord if it's required. But this is the suffering I'm supposed to go through? For what reason? I'm just supposed to be like my grandmother and mother and put up with it because men are men?
There is CONSTANT drinking going on because of his family constantly being here, myself included. If I lived alone I'd probably have 8 beers, in a month - total - I wouldn't even pick it up at the store. With this family the beer fridge is STOCKED at all times (on my dime) and I can probably drink 8 in a night - my husband and his dad can kill 30 together every day. I don't want that constantly around my daughter, that's how I grew up and I know how that is. My point - it's not exactly godly living this way from the drinking aspect.
I feel like I could live a better life and one god would be proud of if I wasn't with him. Does that justify a divorce?
I can't take it anymore, divorce consumes my mind. I'm constantly frustrated, want to cry. I'm so sick of feeling like this and I don't deserve it.
I want out but I feel like he's going to manipulate me and use major guilt trips. Also, we live in pa and he knows he doesn't have to leave the house and he won't and I'm not going to either - I pay for it and everything in it. If I leave he may have the right to keep it over me. Plus this is my daughter's home and I'm her mother and not to offend anyone but if you read the above she needs me to be here.
HELP! ADVICE! ANYTHING? Thank you!
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I went through this with my ex wife of over 8 years! Ive never really opened up about how it truly was because i was always to busy protecting her image as a mother. No matter what i did i was always wrong and just like you i could never argue with her because no matter what it was her way or no way. It was always constant belittling and gas lighting! She would embarrass me in front of friends and my family the point where i wouldnt go or have anyone around anymore and that is what she wanted to do was alinate me from everything i loved. This went on for years and like you I was very empathetic and wanted to make sure she was ok and our kids were ok. I worked non stop building a life and she sat back and watched and did nothing to help but demand her wants in life and to reap the rewards of my time blood swet and tears into what i was building. Her family was always constantly around and now mind you i dont have problem with family coming around but there should be a little respect and some privacy. Her family was always constantly involved on our personal lives that no one she have really known except the two of us. Our finances our love life everything you could think of they were involved in and i cant even begin to tell you how many times i had bailed out her family financially and put my goals on the back burner to do it and never even heard a thank you.
Divorce starting consuming my thoughts about 6 years into our marriage and i would always say to her someday you're gonna wish you would have just listened to me. But of course i would just get laughed at or name called or ran into the ground in anyway she possibly could. I started talking to someone about our issues and would always ask her to come with me but would get laughed at or not taken seriously. But it opened my eyes because i was so blinded by all the negativity and the constant belittling i had lost who i was. This person helped me realize that i had a ton of self worth left and that she needed me more than i needed her and it started waking me up to all the nonsense i had been dealing with over the years with her.
I had quickly realized that my marriage wasnt real it was a roomate situation and i was the one with all the responsibilities. Bills the house the cars the kids the everything you could think of with no real reward at the end of the day. Im not a man who expects anything in return for what i do for people but to have someone who you know truly appreciates what you do for them makes all the hard work worth it.
One day i was out in my garage and had just finally had enough. I couldn't deal with it anymore i walked in looked her dead in the eyes and said im done told her my plan i would still be there for our kids and be there financially but i couldnt take it anymore. And walked out the door and filed for my divorce. Some of my family was kind of against it and some were not but at the end of the day my happiness and my peace of mind is what was important to me. They werent the ones who had to live the life i was and deal with the constant gut blows or the constant gas lighting because it will never stop when people are that way. They all promise the world and say what you wanna hear until they think ok or has blown over and think im good again to start being the person i truly know how to be.. we have one shot at life there are no do overs in the end.
I prayed a lot and prayed god would put someone in my life who was truly meant for me. We may not think he is listening but god does open doors for us and sometimes in the worst of times he will opens door or will throw signs until you notice. And he did just that for me.! Pray and pray some more and he will answer your needs and wants and might just put someone who you thought in a million years could never exist into your life.
You have to do what is gonna be right for you and your daughter because living that life is not healthy. You deserve to be treated right in life and to have someone who will never take you for granted. I looked at it like this my kids were constantly watching their mother disrespect me put me down or were watching the constant arguments. I refuse to let them grow up and think that kind of behavior is acceptable and its acceptable to be treated that way because its not in no way shape or form is it ok. They deserve to see their mommy or daddy happy and to see them being treated as an equal to their partner in life. Because we dont want them to grow up and have to live that way and think its acceptable.
But i always say dont ignore the signs from above. Opportunities will come your way if you just open your heart to it and normally if your heart and gut are telling you that is whats right for you go after it. But If you're at this point to where you as a person just cant deal with it anymore and it literally consumes your whole mindset then its time to make a change! Its time to close that chapter in life and start writing a new one. Surround yourself with good people and people you know will be by your side through this. Its gonna be hard and ther will be days of doubt but by the sounds of it nothing will change until you make it happen. A healthy home for you and your child is what you deserve in the end and for your child to see you in a healthy relationship someday. Keep your head up and keep fighting everyday and praying and god will put the right people into your life and help guide you through this and show you the light at the end of the tunnel.
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