It may sound cheesy but I want to help people. For whatever reason, this life has been turbulent, intense and relentless when teaching it's lessons to me. I've come a long way and there were times I felt totally beat down and unable to continue onward...But you know what? I made it. And as crazy as it sounds, I consider it a blessing to be able to say I took what I needed from the bad times in order to become the woman I am today. All I can give someone is the truth as I see it. I don't claim to always be right, but I do guarantee that any opinion or advice I am giving will be straight forward and from the heart. If I offend you somehow with the answer I give...All I can tell you is this- Only ask questions you can handle the answers to, no matter what they may be. Thanks so much for reading and I look forward to hearing from you! -Rosie
Gender: Female
Age: 26
Member Since: January 10, 2010
Answers: 2
Last Update: January 10, 2010
Visitors: 1636
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I really don’t believe that posting this or any other problem on the net will REALLY help, cos either way, I’m gonna feel the same etc..
But I’m trying to do anything here, maybe ranting to strangers will help, I don’t know!
I don’t want any sympathy, I JUST WANT HELP. I’m sure you get a lot of posts like this here but please don’t give me cliche lines like ‘things will get better’ , ‘You’ll feel better in time’ or ‘You have people who care about you’ …..It will be a waste of your time.
If anyone does have any suggestions that genuinely will help, then I’d really appreciate that..
I am beyond the point of feeling bad…I’m just completely past it. I feel like RUBBISH absolute rubbish EVERY SINGLE DAY. I went through some crappy depressive periods as a teen,a ll of which I got over, but this is unbearable.
I think really bad thoughts, about just ending it, ending everything, which results in me feeling really selfish, and I feel horrible for even considering doing something like that to the few people who care about me…..I mean, I’ve even gone to the lengths of planning the whole thing out, where it would happen, how it would happen, what I’ll say to people I’ll leave behind. It’s gone to the extent that, anything I say, or things other people say, stick in my head and I think, ‘I wonder will they remember me saying this and see it as something more when I’m gone’ or people say something completely innocent and in my mind, there’s only one thing it can relate to, and that’s thinking about how I’ll finish myself off..
In one way I don’t want to be a coward and just give up on life and take the easy way out, when many people have it worse, but I honestly cannot help it, there are some days when I come SO close to doing something, I actually really genuinely scare myself. I don’t talk to other people, and I won’t. I’m not that kind of person, I know you’re probably gonna say ‘It will help to get it off your chest’, well, that’s why I’m doing it here. I cannot talk to people, even the people that I used to be absolute best friends with, I barely talk to anymore.
At that, even WHEN I talk to them (or anyone) I act really, really happy.. Like TOO happy, I just have too put it on so much cos I never, ever feel like talking to anyone, or participating in things that everyone else loves doing I just, I know it’s really sad, but this is something that I cannot help, despite trying for years… I’m always the one that laughs the loudest, and seems to be having the most fun, when I really have to just..stop myself from crying and really try and seem happy, when I feel like **** inside.
I don’t wanna go all depressive cliche here but I have to be as honest as I can so, sorry.
Every tiny thing pisses me off, and since I’m never happy and I fake being happy SO much, that every now and again I just snap and can’t pretend anymore and then everyone’s like, why are you sad, you’re always so happy…
I always pass it off as just ‘a bad mood’ or ‘one of those days’ and no one knows that I feel like this ALL THE TIME. Everything irritates me, I get angry at everything, I can barely stand ANYONE I know anymore, not even my family.
I just feel like I want to be away from everyone, and I feel almost jealous when someone else talks about their problems to me, cos I know I can never do that… I know that’s irrational …. but so is a lot of this.
I just feel crap, and I’m fed up of going through the extremes of faking to be really ecstatic every day, and then really, really depressed the rest of the time.
I genuinely feel like I can’t do it anymore.
I don’t fear for myself as much as I used to, there has been times (one in particular) where I really felt like I was going to end my life, I felt like I had to.
But I didn’t, I got over the absolute extreme of it, and back to feeling extremely glum every day, rather than suicidal.
But now and then, I feel it coming back. That feeling creeps back in sometimes, and I do things to take my mind off it but nothing does.
I’m safe for now, but I do know for a fact that someday, the one ending my own life will be me.
For now, I just needed to let this all out somewhere….You can judge all you want, it won’t bother me.
Thanks for reading all this, any of you that are and sorry it’s so long and probably going to put a downer on you all, but that’s what this place is for I guess..I also apologise if some of this is uncomprehendable, I kinda just typed whatever came to my mind so..
Another thing, this isn’t OVER anything, there isn’t any major events that may have triggered this, in the past few years I’ve gone through about six funerals, all of very close friends/ family, and I got through it. It isn’t because of that, or the fact that I don’t get on with some people. It’s not over some stupid guy that dumped me, like a lot of the posts I see here, I’m not that naive.. So don’t ask if there’s anything that could have triggered this, I’m just like this for no appearant reason, and have been for many, many years…It’s just, the last few months it’s gotten way, way worse to the point all the above is happening… I mean, today, I feel pretty down, but compared to what I usually feel, this is normal for me. I haven’t felt like going out, or talking to anyone, and this is one of the good days.
I’m fine right now, but I KNOW for an absolute fact that if I don’t do something, I’m gonna be back where I was a few weeks ago, planning my own end, thinking about how it will happen, thinking about how much I want it to happen.
I don’t want to be like that, I don’t WANT it to happen that way.
I can feel myself getting like that again sometimes, and I NEED to do something, before it gets too late, not to sound dramatic or anything, but that’s literally how it is. Please don't suggest going to the doctor or anything cos it isn't really an option for me, besides the fact that I'm not comfortable about going on medication so early in my life, I don't want to depend on drugs to stay happy for the rest of my life..
Anyway, I’ll leave it at that.. Thanks in advance for help.
Signed,
Desperate :’( (link)
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Something you need to know... Depression is not what makes people suicidal. The more studies they are doing on people who struggle with suicidal tendencies, the more doctors are finding out that being suicidal is not a symptom caused by or even necessarily a part of clinical depression. Instead they're learning that it's a totally separate disorder which is most likely caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. It's true that in many cases a person who attempts suicide or is plagued by suicidal thoughts also suffers from some sort of depression as well, but the depression is not what causes a person to want to kill themselves. I guess that's why treating a person for depression who is also suicidal rarely proved to be an effective treatment in preventing the patient's further attempts of suicide. My case in point, is that you need to see a Doctor, preferably one who specializes in the treatment of suicide and not just some shrink who's still stuck in thinking that you're just suffering from depression and wants to give you medication for only half of your problem. Look I understand the way you feel about not being dependent on some pill just to make you get through life instead of truly feeling happiness on your own. But if getting better is what you want more then anything else because you realize that you have an illness that you CANNOT control through mind over matter or whatever else people try to tell you you need to do, then wouldn't you be willing to at least give different treatment options a chance? If you close the door to something before even knowing if it could help you or not, then to me it sounds like you aren't as desperate or even really as committed to getting better as you may think you are. I feel for you, because the way you're living right now must be so confusing and lonely and I wish I could be someone who could somehow be the one who convinces you that LIFE can even be beautiful for you. But hey, if you are absolutely convinced that you will die a victim to your own affliction, then who am I to intervene in someone else's manifest destiny? I pray that you take someone's advice and are able to find a doctor who can give you the tools that you need in order to make your life into the one you want. Because no one on this earth deserves to live a decent and fulfilling life more then anyone else and that includes YOU. You are suffering from a chemical imbalance that can either be treated, or it can completely consume you and possibly even take your life. It's ultimately your choice to either recognize you need help and to do whatever you can to learn about your condition as well as keeping a completely open mind to whatever treatment might be out there to help you break free from the constant suffering you are going through. Before I close, I want you to know that I have lost three friends of mine to suicide and have a very close friend who's mother committed suicide during his youth. I cannot claim to even remotely understand what it's like for a person who is living with the kind of pain which is so dismal, that the only option left to ease that suffering is to end the life which is binding them to it, because quite honestly I have no clue. However I can tell you a tragic coincidence I've noted in each situation that ended in suicide: The ones who are truly good, beautiful and pure of heart seem to be unable to cope with the ugliness of the world we live in. Their sensitive natures get beaten on so much harder then what most unfeeling people even have the ability to understand and by the time they've lived a fraction of their lives they can no longer stay a float. Almost as if their souls grow weary long before their bodies do...I in no way condone suicide and I am not speaking for every case of suicide because all I can do is compare those that I've lost and no one else. However I would like to say that wherever those lost ones are now, I truly hope that they are no longer suffering or else they lost their lives in vain. Ok well that's it for me, I guess. I hope that you find the answer that you're looking for even if my long winded attempt is the last place on earth you'd even consider finding it in. Thanks for reading and God Bless... -Rosie
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