Gender: Female
Location: tasmania
Age: 16
Member Since: September 15, 2009
Answers: 20
Last Update: June 11, 2010
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I have rewritten this over and over again, re-read and re-read trying to add in every bit of detail to make the story clear and try to answer any questions about whats going on. I know it's long, but please bear with me as I feel its important in knowing exactly how everything plays in.
Pretense:
I guess you can say my story begins as a typical relationship, but things really turn strange. It started two years ago, the summer before my senior year of high school. I met the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She had a boyfriend that shes been dating for two years so I figured I didn't have a chance in hell. She even thought I was annoying, but I persisted in trying to get close to her. One day she broke up with her boyfriend, and there I was. Really out of nowhere we started to date, and I was in love. Things moved pretty fast, constant texting, hanging around each other all the time and calling each other every night. After about a month or so though, she ended it with me and she got back together with her ex. I felt sick to my stomach.
Lucky for me her bf is crazy possessive, and eventually pushed her away again. I love her so much I took her back. For about a year we grew together and became best friends. However as our love grew, so did my jealousy and insecurity, and my fear of losing her. We were dating, everyone knew it, we did everything too had the most amazing sex, but we never had a title. And that was one thing I always fought about, her argument was we were already together so what was the point, just a name? I loved her too much to continue to argue, so I was okay with it. During our relationship she was still talking to her ex, never hooked up with him or anything, but always remained in contact. One day she left her phone unattended, and I saw his number and saved it to my phone. I didn't know exactly what I was thinking or what I would do with this number, but it would later prove to be my waterloo in the fight for her heart.
College: Early September, everything goes wrong. We both got accepted to ucf. Over the summer before we moved up she said she wants more space, and wanted to be alone during college. I was worried at first because I wouldn't be living on campus, but she would. And so would her ex, right near her. She was still close to me though and was always around, so my fears slowly slipped away. But then we moved in. I got a run down apartment off campus, it smelled like mold and had roaches galore. I was broke, home sick, and miserable. I grew desperate, and wanted to cling more to the only person I knew up in college with me. She however, was hanging out with her good friend/roomate at the time, and some big black kid that lived on her floor. He had helped her moved in and they were hanging out a lot. I wanted to hang out with her but she insisted she needed her space. Days went by and I didn't see her. My classes were all online, and I was in my room by myself all day. My thoughts and dreams haunted me. I had to call her. I kept calling her, and each time she never answered. She was out hanging out with her new friends, while I was home alone missing her, driving myself crazy. I dunno why I did, but I took her exes number and called him. I asked him for advice? I dunno why, it was the stupidest thing I've ever done. It only made me seem more crazy, and shocked her how I got his number. I told her, and she just couldnt trust me anymore. So here's where the strange part comes in. Long story short, her mom eventually called me and asked that I stop bothering her. At that point I realized how alone I really was when the girl I cared for most asked her mom to tell me to leave her alone. I told my buddy who went to a different school about what was going on, and like a "great" friend decided to play a joke on me. He had our other friend text me and say to leave her alone, shes texting me saying your harrassing her. I freaked. Of course this was untrue, but I panicked nonetheless. So I called her mom back and promised her I would leave her daughter alone if she could please tell her daughter to stop telling my friends Im a stalker. I realized I had been acting really irrational, and wanted to put an end to the madness before things got out of hand. But unsuspectadley...things did go out of hand, in the worst way possible.
The police involvement: That same day after speaking with her mother, I went to a restaurant on campus with an old high school friend. I didn't hang out with them much, but I figure since Im on my own now its best I start making new relationships. Well, remember that big black kid that was helping my "ex" move in? He appears at the restaurant with his buddy, and they approach my table. I have to add that I was online earlier on instant messenger and put where I was as my away message, which ill explain why its important later. So this kid storms up to my table ready to fight and says "why the F*** are you talking shit about me to *******'s mom??" I said to him "woah, are you crazy?? I don't even know who you are I didn't say anything about you I was talking about someone else" He said "bullshit i'll kick your ass" And I said "f*** you psycho" and as i turned away to ignore him and pick up my hamburger out of nowhere he decks me in the face. I was stunned. Everyone in the restaurant was watching at this point. I got up, but my friend that I was with insisted I call the cops. The black kid teased me and said "yea call the cops bitch!" and walked out. So I did, I called the cops. They come, ask what happened, and asked why this person I did not know hit me. I told him he was friends with my ex, and that they might have known I was at the restaurant because of my away message on the instant messenger. I give the report, and I go about my way. About 30 minutes later I get a phone call from the police asking me to go to the station, the story apparently is more complicated. So I arrive and from there on I quickly turn from the victim to the criminal. The police told me they had the kid who hit me in custody, but now I was in trouble. They had with them cell phone records and all the emails I had been sending my ex, and they were now ready to press harrassment charges against me. I was so shocked. They said they went to question her about why that kid came, and apparently she turned it around on me and wanted to file a harrassment complaint. By the end of the day, I was told that if I ever make contact with her or any of her friends or family I'd be arrested. My world fell apart and my heart sank to a low I couldn't describe.
September passes...the longest month of my life. I never really dreamt before, but everynight was a nightmare. I couldn't sleep.
October comes, I had already deleted her number and everything out of fear of being arrested, but I still had her as a buddy on aol instant messenger. I think we were both afraid to talk to eachother, because she began to communicate to me...through away messages. We begin by saying how sorry we are for everything. Long story short, after weeks of this weird communication, we agree to meet. It started with lunch, and before you know it I was sleeping over her dorm and we were having sex. No one knew we were seeing each other, it had to be secret. This part of my memory is quite fuzzy, because after that we began to fight again. And literally a week later she was dating that ex of hers. I was shocked. Apparently, during that month after the incident she found comfort in being with him. And apparently he was being an ass again and she decided to see me again. Seeing me only lasted a week, and then it was back to her not making any contact with me, and she was back with her ex.
October passes...as does November, December...January..all the way through April. Each day I fill my heart with more hate, my eyes with more tears, and my mouth with more alcohol. I tried to occupy myself, and get over this bitter situation. Just drop it I kept telling myself, its over, she screwed you over so hard. So I drank, and hung out with trashy people. I could tell myself I was having fun...but every night I put my head on that pillow, and my thoughts would haunt me. Everyday I missed her, wondered about what she was doing. I still loved her. I was miserable. I hated everybody and everything. Months went by and I never heard from her. I was nearly failing school. During a lot of this time I had been going to counseling. It helped somewhat, but the answers I was getting didn't seem to help. Everyday I grew more hateful, and more miserable. To say the least, I was not myself anymore and I turned into a completely different person. Anxiety attacks were constant, and I was in a constant state of panick. I really didn't know how I could ever survive. I hadn't had a good day for as long as I could remember. It was the worst I had ever felt, and was losing the will to live.
So sometime earlier this year we make contact again. I don't really remember how, but apparently she had been dating the same kid all year and had eventually broke up with him. She still didn't want to see me, but slowly but surely we started talking. The summer went on and we were like peas and carrots again. She moved back home for the summer while I remained in school. We talked all the time, and things were going great. This fall semester started and we were with each other 24/7, sleeping over each others houses. I was the happiest I had ever been.
My current dilemma: Last week, I made a huge mistake. She wanted me to help her with something on her computer, so while she showered, I worked on her computer. I finished early, and while I was sitting there I couldn't help but notice something. I don't know how I stumbled upon this document, but it was a conversation between her and her ex. I read it, then closed it. I made no mention of it. That night I slept over her place, and then later the next day while at work she texted me asking to be honest with her and asked had I gone through her computer. I panicked. I knew what was coming. I told her no. She said thats funny, under recently viewed documents something here was opened that I know I didnt open. So I told her. And then she cut me off. She said I'd never change, it was just like how I took his number out of her phone. I was really miserable, and my anxiety was driving me crazier than ever. How could I fuck up what I tried so hard to fix?? Our relationship was already so fragile because of our past. A couple days later she starts talking to me again. We take it slow, no more sleeping over of course. We go to the gym, and she even comes over to my house for dinner. I had to go home this past weekend to get my car ( I had none for the past month ) so she drove me to the bus station. I talked to her online that night while I was home, and then said goodnight. The next day we were talking and I made mention of how tired I was. And she said what time did you go to bed last night? I said right after you did. I wasn't really thinking about exactly what happened because I was wrong. She said I was full of shit because she went on later on and saw I was online. I was still online for a bit longer but didnt really remember. To me this was no big deal, but she called me a compulsive liar. She ignores me again. The next day I'm on the phone with her and talk about plans of going to disney world, I had already gotten tickets. She said thats not a good idea. And I kinda freaked and said why not?? We had been planning this for a long time. At this point she didnt even want to speak to me and said ill talk to you later and hung up. A couple hours later I texted her...no response. I texted twice more and still no response. The next day I made no attempt to contact her. Today comes...I drive back up to school, I text her. Still no response. I texted again and said I need my parking decal because it was in her car. She finally responded and said shed leave it at the front office of my apartment building. So she did. No conversation, she doesnt want to talk.
So this is me now. I find myself in desperation, looking for any sign that things will be alright. My anxiety is keeping me up all night and all I want is for her to know how sorry I am, and how much I regret going through her computer. I don't want her to not trust me. I care so much for her. If only she could know how sorry I am and how much I want to correct the wrongs I've made. I fear I may have lost her again and it will kill me if this happens again. I can't go on another year beating up on myself, being alone, being miserable. At this moment I am the most miserable I have ever been, more so before because I was given a chance at redemption, and I ruined it. I don't know what to do. I want her in my life so badly. I ask you out of desperation for help, I never meant to hurt her. What do I do?
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oh my god! what are you thinking! i know it hurts you to hear this but she is fucked up and she cannot change. she needs to know the feeling of rejection. if you get back with her you are letting her fuck with your life. dont listen to the f*ck wits that tell you 'oh you should say sorry, tell her how much you love her bla bla bla' she obviously has a problem. how do i know this? because my sister is the exact same. these sorts of poeople are clever at screwing with peoples lives. reading the ex's message is normal. it was wrong but im sure any other person in your situation would do the same thing and if it wasnt important to her she wouldnt have minded or behaved the way she has. she is crazy and you need help getting over her.
you do not need her. she has no feelings for you, if she did she wouldnt do this to you. dont try and get back with her please. try to get over her. nothing you do will help her become normal. if you dont think you can do this, then i suggest talking to a doctor about her. explain this whole thing to them and maybe they can help you in figuring out what is wrong with her and how to avoid her crazy side. but please do not try to get with her. find someone new. get your life back and be happy.
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