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Q: This problem hasn't popped up only recently; it's been around for, I'd say, years already. I know that my dad no longer loves my mom and she seems to be hanging onto the marriage simply for my sake (I'm an only child, so I'm more protected, etc). To make things worse, my dad has someone on the side; I don't know who she is but I've heard phone calls. Usually my dad has a booming voice, but when she calls/he calls her, I can barely hear a word. I used to believe that if I ever found out who she was, I would make her life a living hell for what she was doing with my dad. Several years (and more experiences) later, I know it's my dad's fault more than anything. Well, if I knew her, I would STILL despise her, but that's beside the point. I resent my dad for what he does and I wish that I could hate him, but I find it impossible: he's been a good dad & my mom's side of the fam loves him (if only they knew, right?). Divorce used to equal death for me. If they were fighting, and even so much as mentioned the word, I would sob uncontrollably until they promised to stop fighting for my sake. It's always resolved for my sake, and that's not fair to my mom. What did she do to deserve this from my dad? He's always in his own world, giving my mom the usual "mhm" to anything she says. He even does that to me sometimes. But being 16 now, I've realized that a divorce is the right way, the only way, to truly resolve things. Neither of them can ever be happy again while trapped in this marriage. Of course, I'll still be pained beyond belief if/when they do, but it becomes more and more of a possibility with each fight that I have to listen to. So I guess I've forced myself to believe that a divorce is not the end of the world. My problem now is, they still don't know that I'll actually be able to cope if it does happen. In fact, I wish I could tell them to just split up already, but is that the smart thing to do right now?

To add to that problem, I have my own issues with depression. I've harmed myself intentionally due to things that upset/angered me. I've been clean for maybe half a year now but I'm not convinced that the divorce won't bring me back into that state of being. I always told myself not to go back, yet I ended up hurting myself anyway and then felt guilty. But above all, my mom's happiness is what counts the most. She's recently been saying things to me like "I'm really sad. My life is just so tiring." You don't know how much I want to cry from hearing the pain in her voice.

Right now, I'm just stuck between bitterness, confusion, and hatred. Any advice would be great, since I haven't told anyone I know about any of this yet. Thanks.

First I would like to thank you for confiding in me. I know that I am just a faceless being behind you computer screen, but I am glad you have found it in you to tell someone what you are going through.
I want you to know that even though you love your mom and she is important to you, you need to be the the focus of your own attention when it comes to this matter. The depression and self harm that you have experienced is a major priority. You have to first know that the problems of your parents is not your fault. You may not have stated that you feel to blame for your parents unhappiness, but I think that your discomfort and the way it has shown it's self (depression & hurting your self) is a sign that you might blame your self for your parents not getting divorced. I know you want to be there for your mom and hate your dad for what he is doing,but that only puts more stress on you. I think you should tell your dad what you know. If you have a good relationship with him and don't fear any repercussions. As for your mom, let her know how you feel. If she is able to confide in you about her feelings, return the courtesy by telling her how this is affecting you. Divorce is hard for everyone involved, but people work through it. You need to seek out some counseling. It is not healthy for you to hold these things in. That is why you are depressed and harming yourself. I would be more than willing to help you as much as I can You can contact me via email at shrinkingviolet14214@yahoo.com at anytime. If you think that your parents are just staying together for "your sake" then maybe its time to have a family meeting to let them know how you feel and what the situation is doing to you. What ever happens don't think that this is your fault.
I hate the man, but I have to quote Dr. Phil on this one by saying "a child would rather be from a broken home than living in one".
If there is anything more I can do please don't hesitate to let me know.

Q: My family (husband and 2 kids) have not had a real family vacation in 8 years. My kids asked to go to Disney World. They are ages 15 and 12. I booked a 1 week vacation about 4 months ago. We are scheduled to leave June 28th. My mother has since been diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. Her surgery is June 27th. My only sibling is flying to NJ from CA to be with my mom. I told my husband to go on the Florida trip without me because I felt that the right thing for me to do would be to stay with my mother. He is refusing to go without me and blaming me for ruining our vacation. Is it right for him to blame me? We can’t cancel without losing a lot of money. We will not be able to book another trip anywhere in the near future because fuel prices are sky high, and we would have already lost a bundle. Do I go on the trip or stay with my mother who may be dying in the near term?

It is not Right for your husband to blame you, You know that. I understand that you are having difficulties making the right decision. You need to stop, step back from the situation, and evaluate your options. 1st, when you say that the "right thing" for you to do is stay back with your mom, That is really what you feel you 'should' do. 2nd, have you had a conversation with your mom or sibling about your situation? Maybe your mom wouldn't want your kids to miss out on Disney. They are getting older and there is not a lot of years left for family trips.
How long is this sibling planning on staying with your mom? Will he/she be there the whole time you would be gone?
If you go on this vacation and something does happen, the trip would be cut short anyway and you would lose money.
There are family emergency rates for flights that are offered at discounted prices. Check with some airlines.
The surgery is a day before the vacation, You can see your mom through the surgery and if it goes smoothly, still take the vacation. If things don't go smoothly, then you can cancel.
These are just some options. Talk with your mom and sibling, see what they have to say.
It is not ok for your husband to be so inconsiderate at such a trying time. I am sorry that you have to go through this and I am sorry that your husband is not being supportive.

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Everyone needs help sometimes. I am here to help people find answers for life's dilemmas. I can't help everyone, but I will try to point you in the right direction. I am educated in the behavioral science field and have counseling experience.