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I have been married for almost 20 yrs and we have 2 teenagers. I was 21 when we married, at 22 I was a mom(this may sound crazy but I know he got me pregnant on purpose). He is very affectionate to me especial in front of people. My husband is an alcoholic and that has always been the source of our arguments and my anger towards him. Of course the next day he would always apologize and say he loves me more than anything. Around 13yrs ago I believe he had been unfaithful but he adamantly denies it. About 3 yrs. ago I was suspicious of his activity on the internet(always clicking off pages when I walked into the room). I got a program to track this activity and found that he was sending intimate pictures of me to porn sites and exchanging them with others. This for me was the ultimate betrayal,disgust and I was totally embarrassed. At the time I didn't confront him with what I knew, but I did tell him our kids were getting porn pop ups. I destroyed the photos and the program.After that, I promised myself that if he ever screwed up again that I would leave him. 1 1/2 yrs ago we sold our home and he moved out of state to start a new business, I followed with children when they finished school yr. The busin. was not going as expected, I think it was more work than he thought it would be. With me pressuring him to get a job, he went searching only to find mediocre jobs. A family member got him a great paying job back home and off he went. I went to visit him with children and dog for the holidays and had a great time, when I left to drive back (15 hr.drive) I would call every few hrs just to let him know we were ok. After 10pm I didn't call until I got home (4am) called his cell and it was turned off, called my mom told her were got back safely. I asked "how could you turn your phone off knowing your wife and children were driving thru the night" and he just said "sorry I always turn my phone off at night"....Well he screwed up again! So now I'm angry, I was now responsible for selling off everything from the busin.,which I ran some great sales and fortunately brought in a lot of money because even though he was making a lot of money he was also spending it(at bars). I started thinking about how unhappy I was in our marriage. I struggled with the idea of divorce because of the children and the rest of our families. I finally confronted him with everything and the fact that I wasn't happy and I didn't think I loved him anymore. With that, he flew down and begged for forgiveness, promised he would change and do anything I wanted him to do. Our families were shocked at what I said to him, everyone thought we had the perfect marriage. Of course they ran to his side feeling sorry for him, not knowing the whole story( cheating, porn site,mental abuse). During all this, my brother died suddenly from cancer...Because I have been so distraught over losing my brother, losing over $100,000. in a failed busin. and the strain of living apart from my husband for months a a time, I agreed to take him back and try to save our marriage. We took a vow almost 20 yrs. ago and morally feel that I should try. Its been over 4 mons. and I'm very depressed, still very angry with him, feeling like I again gave up on myself for everyone else's sake and out of fear of being on my own financially.
I am I disrespecting myself or being dramatic?
Mz.R. (link)
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Dear Mx.R.
You have a very compelling story, and I think you are not the only one out there struggling to save your marriage!
You are not disrespecting yourself, or being dramatic!
This is life!
The fact that you have spent many years of your life, trying to "fix" the problem, really makes you a survivor. You were obviously trying to do this for your kids and for the marriage sake; and that is may be great, but unfortunately it is not healthy for you and your children.
You need to confront your husband about his problems, alcoholism, porn and infidelity!
If you never really confront him, and just tried to go "gentle" and easy on him, he would not feel the need to make changes in his life.
The person needs to feel strong reasoning to make changes in his life; even if the rest of the world feels the same way, your husband may not see (or doesn’t want to see) the issues he has as a problem.
It is really hard to imagine your life on your own, taking care of yourself and the kids; you need a plan for yourself and the kids, where you can feel more independent to take care of your family!
You are not happy, and it’s probably robes of on your kids as well! When should you be happy?
Life is passing us by, and we do not realize that we spent the best years of our life with never really enjoying it!
If your husband wants to have a "normal" family, and make changes, he needs to show you that he wants it as much as you do!
You've heard of the saying, it takes two to tango, so you can not be doing this all by yourself! The marriage is hard enough as it is!
You have the right to be happy!
Also, I do not want to be bias, so I think if you confront your husband, you also need to find out what makes him happy, and what makes him do the things that he does? Is the drinking and porn a part of some kind of escape he is looking for from some things that may be bothering him?
Communication is the key here!
Good luck!
Thanks,
Tanya
Dating Advice Web Site Coach
dating advice web site
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