DangGirlll's advice column | DangGirlll's Advice About Love Life

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Q: Where do I even begin? My name is Shawn and I am seventeen years old. I first realized that I was gay in middle school but have been in denial about it until my sophomore year in high school. Only recently have I been contemplating coming out to my friends and family. I first set aside October 1, 2006 to come out, but it has not happened. I know there are a lot of friends I would lose if they knew the truth. I also have no idea how my parents will react. I think I respect a lot of my friends and family too much to let them down like this. Earlier in the month, I tried coming out to my mother. I virtually broke down in tears in front of her but could not work up the nerve to do so. I eventually ended the conversation with some bogus story about stress at school. I am also pretty much terrified of talking to my father about anything, let alone coming out to him that I am a homosexual.

I find myself bringing up this kind of topic in various conversations with my friends and family. My mother and I began talking about the topic of gay people coming out and she said something very discouraging to me. “I do not see why people come out that they are gay. There is no black and white. Coming out that you are gay causes people to only know you for that.” When I countered this statement, she asked me, “You’re not gay, are you?” I replied, “No,” and I have regretted it everyday since then. I always ask myself how easy it would have been to just have answered, “Yes, mom. I am gay.”

Everyone around me seems to know that something is wrong. People have pointed out that I am not eating and there is lack of emotion in my voice. My mother specifically said that she is only getting one-worded answers from me and feels that we are growing apart. I do not really know what kind of help I am asking for. I just really wish I knew what to do or to know that someone cared, which is impossible since I have not confined this information to anyone. Any suggestions or opinions are welcome. Thank you.

Hi Shawn, this is Mina from DangGirlll, Lindsey isn't with me right now, but I know that if she were here she'd want to answer this question, just like I do. Both of us have a few gay friends. One of them is one of our best friends, Tom. First I want to just say that I (and Lindsey too) truly and fully believe, without any doubt, that people who are homosexual or bi are born like that. It's who they are and you cannot control that. Whether you believe in God, or some sort of higher being or something else, we think that this is how you were born and you have no power of this. But we also strongly believe that just because someone is homosexual or bi, does not mean that is their only substance. Being homosexual should not define who you are, merely show who you love.

Neither of us are homosexual or bi, but because we do have so many friends that are we try and understand and grasp really how hard it is to be so. And we think it's a fucking shame that it should be that hard. Love should not be suppressed. Ever. We have a lot more things to worry about than opressing love. A lot.

Also, it is essential to understand that it is hard for people who have not been accustomed to this, or around this, to get used to it, and for some it won't take over night. It could take time. I really believe though, that if you do choose to come out (which I hope you do, BUT only when you feel you're ready) and people don't accept it immediately, or at all, that maybe it is better if you aren't friends with them. I know this sounds wayway hard to try and comprehend, and it should be, but if people you really love and trust can't accept part of who you are, it's not that worth it. The people that are worth it will be the people who support you. Our friend Tom has taken a lot of fucking stuff, but everyone now knows him as openly gay and they LOVE him for it. He's amazing and he's only gotten to this point through fully expressing who he is. I think all people need to do that, whether it's about their sexuality or not. Another hard thing is that Tom's family is also Mormon. That's pretty harsh, but overtime, even if his family still is curious about the way he is, they still love him. And even if your family can't really understand the way you are, I'm sure they will still love you. I promise you that.

And I just want to say that I'm really sorry it is this hard for you. I really hope that one day it won't have to be like this for people, but for now it is, and we all just have to keep trying to make it better. Oh and Shawn, please don't think that you are letting people down because you are gay. You're not. It's who you are and that does not make you any less of a person than me or Lindsey or anyone else in the world.

I hope this helped you, even in the slightest bit, I really do, because I've seen how this can effect people negatively and it really hurts me to see that happen. Even if you are a stranger.
Also, if you want to talk more you can IM or e-mail me at DangGirlll@aol.com
:)

-Mina of DangGirlll