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Gender: Female
Occupation: Former professional therapist
Member Since: June 10, 2016
Answers: 28
Last Update: December 20, 2016
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Okay, 28/f. He's 27. We've been together for a bit more than a year...
We were fine... but then we weren't. I started to want more than he could/would give me. When I brought my needs to him, he wanted to try to do everything he could to change and fight for the relationship.
But the problem is... I think I'm just done. Not only did I say I loved him first, but he didn't respond. I had to ask him to say it six months later, after dream after dream where I heard him say it, and woke up to realize he hadn't. I know that he tried to show me (and to me, yes, actions DO speak louder than words), but... When I'm physically with him, I'm happy and I think things like "THIS is right. Cuddled up on the couch, comfortable, talking..." But when we're not physically together, it's like the spell is broken and it no longer feels right. We didn't have sex for more than a month until we had makeup sex after the first time I tried to break up with him...
This is the first relationship I've ever had where I wasn't being abused in some way. He's done NOTHING wrong. I mean... well, he's done a couple dumb things. But to be fair I'm his first serious relationship since high school...
I just... I feel so selfish. I love him and I want a future with him, but he needs to grow up first. If I'm not happy and thinking like that, it's not fair to him, is it?
We both lost our jobs this past year. When he lost his job, he picked up a bunch of hobbies and started playing community soccer more often. He has no idea what he wants to do with his life. When I lost my job, I became more driven to succeed in my field - that's another thing.
He's a brilliant human being. But he doesn't even have a Bachelor's degree yet, and I'm starting a doctoral program in the fall. Granted, he started a program recently, but he's taking on-line classes and doesn't know what he wants to do with it.
I feel like he's still trying to start his life, whereas I feel like I'm halfway through mine.
How do I explain this? How do I justify this? I don't know how to understand it myself.
Is this even right? Am I as selfish as I feel? Do I end my first not-harmful relationship over being in different places in life? Do people do that? Is that a reason to end it?
Is there a reason to stay? :( (link)
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You say you love him but it doesn't sound like it. To love someone is to accept and appreciate them for who they are. Clearly he doesn't live up to certain standards you have but are afraid to admit. Or, you admit it and then admonish yourself for it. It's possible that you are being more critical of him because he hasn't abused you yet. Only you can answer that question. Only you can determine whether what you call abuse is actually abuse or whether it's a catch-all phrase for behavior you don't like. The term abusive, 'emotionally abusive' is extremely over-used today and diminishes the definition of the real thing when it unfortunately occurs.) Despite all of this, you say you love him and you want a future with him. It would be a miserable experience for you both if you ignored the reality that he can't seem to live up to your expectations. Looks like you have some growing up to do, to figure out why you have tolerated abusive relationships and then get into a relationship with someone who can't seem to live up to your expectations. The bottom line is: eiither accept him for who he is or move on.
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Rating: 5
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Your advice is good, but I find myself taking a bit of offense to your assumption about my take on abuse. I suppose I should detail in my question that when I say "abuse," I mean abuse. I have been thrown into walls, strangled, my hands slammed in a piano lid; I've been raped and coerced and forced into situations that were attempts to gain power and control over me without my consent, by my partners, which is the definition of abuse. I agree with you that "emotionally abusive" IS over-used in this world, but please take care not to assume any use of the term is over-use. Mine is not - but that is part of what leaves me so utterly torn over what to do. What he is doing is NOT abusive, and the growing up I have done has led me to understand that I deserve FAR better treatment than the abuse I have endured. I suppose I feel a bit like I'm settling...? I appreciate your time.
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