Member Since: February 22, 2016
Answers: 1
Last Update: February 22, 2016
Visitors: 289
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Hi everyone, I am 20 years old. I dated this guy who is much older than I am for about 10-11 months. Him and I lived together, and things fell apart. Even before we lived together him and I would fight. We would argue about my friends texting me late at night, we would argue about me falling asleep on the couch to early, we would fight about dinner, we would fight about my family, we would fight how if I didn't do anything around the house, but when I would do things around the house he would feel bad. He didn't like my family very much, he called my family names, he didn't like my friends very much, and anytime I would se them (which was not often) I would be very anxious, and would always try to be home as early as possible because I knew that if I walked in the door after 9 p.m. him and I were going to get into a fight, because "he's been waiting on me all night" but when he goes out with his friends I let him do his things and when he gets home he gets home. No big deal. Point is, we would fight about everything. And we lived in his house. Him and I did not have anything to special that made us, us. We would laugh sometimes, but he is very controlling and very manipulative, and I was not happy with him. There are dozens of red flags about him, like the fact that I was scared he was going to hit me every time we got into a fight. (He never did, but I was always scared he would.) But why do I Miss him so much? I feel so lonely, and so heart broken, somedays I feel okay, like I am strong enough to handle this, and other days I cry, and feel more alone than ever. Would it be so bad to ask him to get a cup of coffee, no strings attached? He is a great guy, just not a good boyfriend. He wanted me to be completely dependent on him, but I was more defendant on myself than anything and he hated it. The bad times easily out weigh the good times, now what do I do? Its been just over 3 weeks since I have seen him last. I miss him in my life as a person, not as my boyfriend But who knows, maybe if I see him hell steal my heart like he once did before. Do people change? Could he change? Should I move on? Should I reach out? I am mind bogled, and I need outside none bias advice. if you need more information please reach out. Thank you. (link)
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Okay, first things first you are not abnormal for missing someone who treated you so poorly. Personally I just got out of a relationship almost identical to yours. What I have learned is its not the person you miss, its their company. In the beginning of my relationship I genuinely thought it was sweet that someone cared enough about me to always want to know were I was, what I was doing, when i'd be home etc. After a year I started to realize that something wasn't right, I wasn't happy. We always argued, and I mean always and over every little thing because you see with people like that all the strive for is control. Some people cant help it, its just how they are and they can't change. I tried for months on months to explain this to my partner that if he really did love or care about me he'd want me to be happy and to enjoy some things I liked, i.e. going out with friends and not being home at a certain time. You are 20 years old for crying out loud no man has the right to give you a curfew. This behavior goes along with trust, maybe he has very bad trust issues, my partner sure did. The thing is, is that no person has the right to control your happiness, but what I understand is after some time it ends up your partner has that control over you so it can get to the point you are walking on egg shells to do everything right to keep him happy so that then you will be happy. This is not a healthy way to live and is very hard to escape. So with that being said I am proud of you for having the guts to take some time apart, will you stop missing him? Maybe not anytime soon, but that's normal. You just don't want to put yourself back in that unhappy rut of you running yourself dry trying to please someone else. Personally I still miss my partner even though at times he was so so manipulative and just flat out mean to me, but I have learned to find happiness in other things because at the end of the day people will always let you down so you have to be okay with yourself. I know it sounds a whole lot easier than it actually is because there will be days that you are just going to be sad and the option to just run back to him will probably loom over you for quite sometime, but ultimately if you ever want to resolve this issue the only solution is to love yourself and trust god because he has a way better plan than what we imagine. It seems to me right now you are just going through all the emotions and trust me I understand how hard it is when your down and so lonely, but im promising you that you are doing the right thing by taking yourself out of a toxic relationship no matter how much it hurts you are doing whats right. Personally I just missed him because he was like my best friend, it was an unhealthy addiction that everyone could see except me for the longest time. My best advice to you is to cut off all communication with him no matter how much it hurts and delete old pictures off of your phone, maybe store them on your computer for years to come if you want to look back, but for now the last thing you need is to have something that reminds you of him. It seems to me you are strong and theres something in you that warned you something wasn't right, sometimes people come into your life to teach you a lesson, that's what happened to me. I feel if you reach out to him that will only give him what he wants and if he is as manipulative as my partner was he will know you're in a vulnerable state and probably take that to his advantage. I personally will pray for you because I know how tough this can be and I really do hope the best for you, keep me updated and just know you aren't alone!
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Rating: 5
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Honestly, thank you. You made me feel like someone actually understands me and my emotions. You've used words like "walking on egg shells" and "manipulative" and "controlling" and "lack of trust" and those are all things I have said, and things that have been said to me. It's so difficult because I want him in my life but not as my boyfriend. But you're right, if I reach out he will know that feel vulnerable and will probably take full advantage of the opportunity, he's done that before, and that's how we started dating, he caught Meehan my whole life was changing and took advantage of that, so he will definitely do it again, because my family and I are in the middle of a crisis and he wasn't being supportive and that's why we broke up so if I reach out he will do it all over again. I have also said that sometimes people come into your life as a learning experience and I have said he is the kind of relationship you learn and grow from and that's exactly what he is. Now it's up to me to stay stronger. Thank you so much.
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