Member Since: June 22, 2013
Answers: 166
Last Update: November 6, 2015
Visitors: 8660
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22/f
My first counselor was in high school, she saw that I had a hint of depression. During this time, I was 18 years old. I was taking 27 credit hours (wasn't a choice because I was also a high school student), working 24 hours/week, and my boyfriend at that time and I weren't doing so well. The next two years, my depression had worsen, my boyfriend (same one from high school) was "dragging me on" and I was waiting for him and didn't completely leave him until I was 21. During this process, I didn't realize that my well-being was winding downward because I was so focused on my relationship. Since then I've been having trouble feeling better. I still feel very sad and I sometimes feel the need to cry for no apparent reason. I sometimes feel sad when I don't even have a reason to feel sad.
I think my anxiety is due to my current relationship with my boyfriend. He has broken my trust several times, and we've been going to couples therapy to try to rebuild trust. But I would sometimes get random anxiety attacks out of nowhere--shortness of breaths, sweaty palms, rapid breathing, mind racing, and feeling as if I'm going crazy. I'm not thinking about anything in particular, but I do fear that something bad has/is going to happen.
I feel as if my life is falling apart. When something good happens, I feel that something bad/terrible happens to me right afterward. For example, yesterday my boyfriend came back from a business trip. I was excited and looking forward to him coming back. Not feeling depressed, I was being very productive in the morning--cleaning, took the dog out for a walk, etc. But when I was about to take the dog to visit my mom, my car was not working at all. This may be a coincidence, but it seems as if something bad is always going to happen even if I feel great.
I don't like my current job (I'm a graphic designer), and I'm trying to get my alternate certification in teaching. However, when I was studying for the EC-6 generalist test, I received a notice that the EC-6 generalist has been discontinued and was replaced by another test. I was advised to buy another test that related to the current test, meaning that I had to start over. My family life is stressful. My family is about to lose the house, my mom (also has depression and anxiety) tends to focus on getting a new car instead of trying to save this house, always being lectured by my mom (regular conversations turns into lectures), and when I'm not being lectured, my older sister tends to complain to me about everything happening in our home or in her current life. I feel as if I don't have a place for myself. When I go home, I'm always being bothered and I feel that the environment at home does not benefit me in any way. When I stay at my boyfriend's house, I feel as if I'm taking care of his chores, taking care of his dog, etc. There is not a place for me to actually relax. I miss my room; I miss my stuff; and I'm just feeling miserable, yet lonely at the same time.
The only reason why I haven't moved away and started over is because I know that my family needs me. If there was any hint that they would be okay without me, I probably would have packed everything and left. A lot of people thought it would be best for me, some say it would be very difficult, but I feel that it would be so much easier than to wake up to my current life.
I don't know what to do, or how to feel better. I've done counseling, I've done different types of exercises to help me feel better (I'm not taking medication, I wanted to do everything naturally), but it only helps with a short amount of time. Most of these things are environmental and not biological. Since my family is going through the same stressors and we don't have any other family members that have depression and anxiety, I'm not sure what I should do. (link)
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"The only reason why I haven't moved away and started over is because I know that my family needs me."
Your family does not need you. Your family will do perfectly ok without you around. Other families all over the world do fine without you - what makes your family so special?
Dump your b/f. Same comments apply, btw: your b/f does not need you to do his chores, take care of his dog. Millions of guys all over the world manage perfectly fine without you around to take care of things. Your b/f and his dog aren't that special. You are the one making such a big deal of this.
By all means, consider seeing a doctor for some anti-anxiety pills. But beware of making a lifetime habit of it.
The secret of depression is that it gives us power to get rid of stuff we don't need.
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Rating: 3
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I feel as if you did not completely read my question nor understand how depression or anxiety works. I did not say that my boyfriend is the one that needs me, it's my family that needs me. There are many reasons to why they do, I just did not state them. Please stop making assumptions.
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