hey there! My name is Alexandra (or Alex). I am just your friendly neighborhood Spiderman.
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Gender: Female
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Age: 19
Member Since: March 16, 2011
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Earlier this year one of my guy friends had a bad breakup with his girlfriend and she started dating one of his friends. He turned emo and started cutting himself. He became atheist and more reserved. He had so much hatred to his ex-girlfriend(my friend)and his friend(also my friend)I helped him through it and got him to stop cutting, become Christian, and become more comfortable with people and also to forgive them both and he is now friends with both of them again. He is a completely changed person now. But he seems to have a bit of an obsession with me.He asked me out but I sadly rejected him because I felt nothing for him. I only did the things I did because he was my friend and I hated seeing him that way. He now has a new girlfriend but he acts like he doesn't like her. He says things about her that he think is weird and awkward. He flirts ALOT when we talk over facebook but the thing is I feel extremely guilty. I feel like im making him cheat. Ruining his relationship. Ive told him countless times that I only want us to be friends but he acts like he forgets that. He says im flirting with him when im just joking around with him. He says "I love you" but I try to take it in a friendly way because he says it to all of his lady friends in a brother-siter kind of way. He says things like im his "future wife" but adds "lol" just to seem like he's joking. He constantly reminds me of the things ive done for him when he was at his lowest point. Thanking me millions of times.He calls me beautiful. He gets jealous easily but he tells me things about his girlfriend and other girls to make me jealous. He has done many attempts to get me to fall for him. Extreme attempts that it almost ruined our friendship. Besides the flirting he is a very nice person(obnoxious at times)but very sweet. He has given me many gifts such as food he has cooked (he cooks a lot)and flowers and teddy bears (before he started dating) He told me he was giving me these things for "appreciation for what I have done" and if I didnt accept them, he made me. He is my best friend. He is very protective and defends me if someone is bullying me. He is very caring. He asks how my day was and sometimes good morning messages. He makes it his job to message me everyday and is always the first to start a convo. We will talk for hours on end just about silly things and joke around a lot. He comes to me when he needs someone to talk to and is going trough something and I do the same for him. He says that he will always be there for me if i need anything. He just the bestest friend you could ever ask for. I just feel like im taking advantage of him. Im trying hard to make our friendship work because I don't want to lose him. But he is constantly testing it. He tells me he's not over me even if he has a girlfriend. He treats me like I am his which I have told him to stop but he wont. Nearly everyone in the school knows of his crush on me. He tags me in posts on Facebook that say things like "Tag the most beautiful girl you know" or "tag a girl that you think is adorable" I just don't know what to do anymore! How can I save our friendship?! He was not always like this. Thank you for reading! I know it was long! :(
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How's it going, anon-sauce?! Seems like you're in a mighty big pickle here, but it is not impossible to get out of. :)
First, I think you are a wonderful friend for sticking by this dude's side through his dark times. Forgiving and getting through self harm can be a tough process, so kudos to you for encouraging him to get up onto his feet again.
As you just kinda realized (which is totally ok), when we help those who are in a dark rut sometimes end up becoming overly attached, like a child to an adult. This is very common with those who are in recovery from addiction. Their addictive personality becomes a form of clingy-ness towards someone specific that has been by their side. The prime reason for this is because without that addiction (which can involve cutting too), the addict may feel a bit out of whack and perhaps insecure, ergo, end up trying to turn to someone as a security blanket. I'm not saying that this guy's feelings for you aren't sincere; I don't know that but he may have an underlying reason for being obsessed with you. Also, I'm not saying he's an addict but does seem to have express addictive and obsessive traits towards you and cutting. Since I'm not a doctor, don't take my words too close to heart!
ANYWAYS! I'm sorry that he's not getting the 'friend only' hint. That can be extremely frustrating. So, please don't take his actions personally. He's choosing to makes these advances on you even though he has a girlfriend. He is being unfair to both you and his girlfriend. This is not your fault whatsoever. You do not owe him anything for helping him. It's not like you're throwing yourself at him and actually asking him to cheat. He is ruining his relationship, not you. Also, it appears he doesn't love this girl since he is talking smack about her and coming onto you. Again, this is not your fault. You and his girlfriend are both a victim.
I had a similar situation occur, though I wasn't particularly close to him. He had a girlfriend though and would hit on me all the effing time. I knew it wasn't my fault because I wasn't asking for it nor was I attracted to him. Again, you are not ruining his relationship. He is. He needs to respect your boundaries and wishes. Since he isn't, he is not being much of a friend.
It's very kind of him to check up on you and protect you against dingbats, but that doesn't make it ok for him to ignore your boundaries. What makes you think you're taking advantage of him? If anything, he is trying to take advantage of you! There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries in order to help yourself be secure. :) You're just being honest.
Now, I'm not saying he's a bad guy or a dick, but he seems to have a lot of issues to work on-which is ok! When he does, he can become aware of his actions and be a better friend.
You clearly value this friendship and seem to be a wonderful friend to him. Likewise, seems like a caring friend to you. But what he is doing is not ok. He doesn't seem 'healthy' right now to be your friend. As horrid as this may sound, I think you should cut off contact him completely. If he continues to be inappropriate to you, you may have to cut off this friendship. I know that seems terrible but he has some issues he needs to address. If he works on them and shows results, then you can allow him to be your friend again.
Again, I know that sounds horrible! I've had my share of de-friending people. Even guy friends who would not respect my boundaries. It is totally normal and can be very beneficial to our well being. If someone is becoming unhealthy to be around, and/or will not respect you, it is best and necessary to have total distance. No matter how much you love them, you you need to care for yourself to. You need to feel safe. Those are the same reasons why I de-friended some people. It doesn't make use selfish or terrible people. We need to pay attention to our happiness and feeling of comfort.
Also, just because you distance yourself from someone, does not always mean that you are never their friend again. Until they own up to their actions, then they may be safe and ok to hang around again. Unfortunately though, some people may not change and thus, the friendship cannot be revived. And that is ok! If you choose to do this, you must cut off ALL contact: facebook, texting, and any other sources of communication. To be fair (and if you feel comfortable) you can contact/hang out with him once or twice a week.
That may sound harsh, and in no way am I implying that he is a criminal, but again: you need to be around people who make you comfortable and respect you. You will also be doing him a favor if you choose to do this: He will be forced to work on his relationship and his issues instead of focusing so much on you.
If you choose to tell him, you can say something like this: I care about you and value our friendship. I also appreciate that you're a caring person to me, but no matter how much I tell you that I just want to be your friend, you won't respect my boundaries. I am uncomfortable of that. Because of that, I cannot be your friend right now. I think you need to work on yourself and relationship. Again, I care about you but I need distance. Until then, maybe we can be friends again.
I hope this helps! Sorry that this is so long! You are not doing anything wrong! You have every right to feel happy and safe. :) And having distance does not make you a horrible dick! You are just doing what you feel is best. Good luck and keep me up to date. :) xx YOU CAN DO IT!
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Rating: 5
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Thanks so much! You helped me ALOT. Currently we arnt friends anymore because i did realize he wasnt healthy to be around for this reason and others!
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