Member Since: July 3, 2013
Answers: 130
Last Update: October 3, 2016
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I am in a four year relationship. My boyfriend is 23 and I'm 21. So I've found that I don't really enjoy the sex, I suppose I don't really like the feeling. He tries to satisfy me everytime, I only seem to orgasm through stimulation. I don't want to tell my boyfriend this, that would hurt his feelings, sometimes I do wish we didn't have to do it so often, because we do, almost everytime we see each other and this is worrying as I do see a future with him. What could be causing this feeling? (link)
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It's not at all unusual to have orgasms through clitoral stimulation only. If that's what you need every single time, that's not too much to ask, he gets penile stimulation every time because that's what works for him, and you have as much right to sexual satisfaction in an encounter as he does. And his feelings shouldn't be hurt; just because your body expresses pleasure at one kind of stimulation and not another is not in any way an indictment of his ability as a lover. You can also have him stimulate your clit during penetration, or you can do it yourself, those are all great. The important thing is to know what it is that you like. Experiment alone and get to know your body, feel all the pleasure your physical self can offer, and get to know the eroticism of your mind. What fantasies work for you--do you want him to dominate you? Do you feel attractive when you pretend you're strangers hooking up in a bar? Maybe a romance novel scenario with sexy historical costumes? Once you know what feels best, then you need to communicate what feels satisfying to you. He wants you to be satisfied, so tell him what works for you in a matter of fact way, and don't worry about it hurting his feelings. If he gets self conscious that he was "doing it wrong" reassure him that you're discovering new things about your sexuality and you want him to try them with you. Open communication is so necessary for a future in any relationship! Say what you want, it's the only way to get it.
There are other possible factors--hormonal (some birth control and other drugs lower libido), emotional (depression, history of abuse, physical (not getting enough exercise or eating well can lower the sex drive and maybe how sexy and energetic you feel), and if those might be at play, they should be addressed, because they can get in the way of your overall happiness.
The last possibility could be simply a mismatch of sex drives. No couple is going to be in synch 100% of the time, so it could be a temporary shift, but if your stable preference when feeling at your physical, emotional, and hormonal best is to have considerably less sex than he wants, that may be something to consider when evaluating the future. I've been in relationships with people who need more or less sex, and having similar speeds really makes things easier. Being similar in backgrounds and lifestyle preferences in general makes relationships easier, but sex is a special case if you're looking for a monogamous long term relationship, because the expectation is that you are only getting this need met from each other. You don't want a lifetime of begging, going through the motions, and resentment on both sides, so similar sex drives in monogamous relationships are important.
Good luck!
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Rating: 5
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Thank you so much your answer made me realize what the problem is!
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