Member Since: July 3, 2013
Answers: 130
Last Update: October 3, 2016
Visitors: 6525
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I just got out of high school, but for five years up until almost the end of my senior year, me and this girl Carrie were best friends. We never hung out at each other's houses, we were just best friends at school and almost always had all of our classes together. She had a lot of problems with many old boyfriends since she was very young, and a tough home life. She was basically on her own since she was 13, her parents weren't too supportive. We stopped being friends because she did something to me, and then thought I was talking bad about her which I never would have done. She didn't believe me so I decided I didn't need someone like her in my life. The friendship was basically one sided anyways, she would tell me her problems and I would listen and give advice. I would give her rides everywhere because her parents wouldn't let her have her license. Anywho, after we stopped being friends I was pretty happy, but I would always see her staring at me and I've heard her talking about me multiple times. She hated me. And after this I started to not like her too. We worked in the same place, and she would take every chance to make me do dirty work or just try and take advantage of me. I quit that job because of my own problems at home and continued on with my life. I started talking to a boy, I had been friends with him ever since grade school, but we never talked much until now and realized we had so much in common. We started dating and I then found out that he had dated Carrie years ago before me and her were best friends. I was alright with that, things happen. I know that he is in love with me, and she has had about four boyfriends since him and is currently with someone, so she would have no reason to still talk to him. Well he has always given her rides to school since they live kind of close, not too often though. He started doing it less and less now that we started dating. He never asked what happened between me and her, but I would talk to him crying about what she did to me at school that day. He knows she hates me and that I don't like her. My boyfriend and Carrie both have jobs, and the buildings are near each other. Today I was visiting my boyfriend during his break and we were looking at funny pictures on his phone. A text pops up at the top and it's from Carrie. He seems to ignore it and starts laughing at the funny pictures. I however got instantly sick to my stomach seeing her name on his phone. I got silent. I didn't know that they were talking to each other. I know the message wasn't dirty or anything, but that was only one text, and the point is they are talking to each other. I pretended like nothing was wrong. I drove home crying, because I'm on my period and I'm super emotional. I was thinking if stuff I wish I could have said when I saw that text. "oh aren't you going to respond to her?" "That's weird I didn't know you guys were that close"
Now, I tell him everything. And I feel like he keeps information from me about his past. I am a virgin and I have told him that, but he hasn't told me if he was or not, and that was his only other girlfriend. Me and him have been together for five months. I just don't know what to do, knowing that they talk to each other.
Me and him are always sending funny pictures to each other. When I got home I send him a picture that said "when you see someone else text bae" and there was a series of crying faces, which could be comical, but not to me since I felt that and had been crying. He texted back and said "lol I hate the word bae" I responded "ok sorry." And he hasn't texted back since.
I'm pretty sad, I just need some advice about this. (link)
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I know your first concern is your boyfriend, and I'll get to that, but I want to talk about the friend first. I had a similar situation after high school. My friend was a lot like your Carrie, a taker, needy, dramatic, jumping from guy to guy in problem relationships, misconstruing things that had nothing to do with her as attacks; we fell out. The difference is, we moved to different states, didn't talk for years. I found out recently we live close again, so I reached out to find out if things worked out for her. She grew into a very giving, secure, down-to-earth person. She had all the qualities I cared about when we were best friends, but she also exerted a positive force on those around her now.
I can't guarantee that's the direction Carrie will go, but when my friend and I talked about how we parted ways, I came to understand how much we misunderstood what the other did and who really started it and how much we needlessly hurt each other.
You two were best friends for five years. She wouldn't be so focused on you now if she weren't still hurt about the loss of your friendship. It might make sense to confront her about how her behavior makes you feel uneasy and that you would not be able to feel safe enough around her to be friends when she treats you so poorly; really ask her why she felt you'd talk badly about her, and really allow the insecurity behind her fear to be heard without arguing or negating the truth of how she feels (even if you didn't say the thing she's afraid you said, there may be something that you didn't even really understand that she's been trying to deal with).
There are two good reasons to deal with Carrie as well as your boyfriend: I think you still care about her on some level, and it would be in your interest to work through this because if you're going to each stay in the same area, you'll have these problems over and over with her.
Your boyfriend hates the word bae, and that's fine, because it isn't meant to reject you. In fact, that has nothing to do with you or anything you want or feel because you're NOT telling him everything. You have to express your feelings in a more direct way if you expect to get the outcome you want. The "see someone else" text with sad faces isn't going to convey the fact that you want him not to give her rides or exchange texts. That's a valid request, you're not asking him to be unfriendly, just not to spend time alone together with an ex. It's not about trust, it's just inappropriate and unnecessary, and you're not seeking cozy exes tagging along in your relationship. If he loves you and hears that it's her and you and NOT him, he will get that. If he insists on keeping the relationship with her without a really good reason, then his priority isn't you.
You don't tell him everything about you if you haven't told him you want to know his sexual history. You are not out of line to ask, just be absolutely sure you really want to know. There's no reason for him to volunteer the information when you may not really want to hear the answer. Whatever that may be, let him feel safe to tell you anything. Don't freak out if it's not the answer you were hoping for--that would be unfair because his options would be to either lie or get into a fight. You don't have to Pollyanna pretend everything is peachy, you can tell him you would have wished it were different, but you know you can't change the past, and just reassure him that you accept him and be forthright about what you'd prefer for the future.
You have to know what you really, truly want and then ask for it. If you can't negotiate a respectful solution, you're in the wrong relationship. Good luck!
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Rating: 5
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Thank you so much for the thoughtful input. And yeah with the picture I sent him, that was the only way I could think of letting him know it bothered me, since we rarely sit down to talk about issues. And he found something else in it other than the obvious point of it, which didn't surprise me. We've joked multiple times about hating the word, and that was his escape. Thank you again, and I hope to improve these relationships!
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