Member Since: July 3, 2013
Answers: 130
Last Update: October 3, 2016
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I'm 17/f and about to graduate from high school. Although my culture does not allow dating, my bf and I have been dating secretly for 2 years. My family wants me to finish college before getting into relationships. About 5 months ago, my older brother and sister found out that I was dating and they were upset about it and told me to break up with him. If my parents found out, they would be extremely upset. Anyways, I didn't break up with him but I told them we did. I love my family and my boyfriend. My boyfriend is a huge part of me now and I need him in my life but my family would probably never accept him before I'm done with college. What should I do?
Please note that I'm from a different country and my culture is very different from America. In my culture your family choose when you can start dating. If I choose to stay with my boyfriend and go against my family's wishes, I'll have to face consequences. (link)
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If you're first-generation like I am, you've gotten conflicting advice your whole life--be true to yourself and honor your family. Now that my friends and I have nearly all gotten married, I can see how well the "self-centered" (I mean that literally=revolving around the self) approach works for American marriage. The divorce rate is sad. If both partners only think about themselves, eventually the other's wishes will become as inconvenient as their birth families were, so they'll separate and go their own way.
Maybe you and your parents are more in line than you imagine. I imagine the ultimate goal is a successful happy marriage with as little hurt along the way as possible. People who marry later in the second half of their twenties with a college degree have on average much greater chances of financial and marital success. (See book "For Better" and article: http://m.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/03/getting-married-later-is-great-for-college-educated-women/274040/). Now, if you're just having a good time with your boyfriend and are avoiding or at least being careful with sex, and marriage is so far off that you don't really care where it goes with your boyfriend, maybe your parents values don't apply to your situation. You have to feel pretty casual to not get hurt. But if you know you're looking for marriage and that this boyfriend is someone you feel you'd eventually consider, starting off with secrets might hinder the closeness you want between your families.
I am sure your boyfriend has been a great support to you through high school, and he could possibly be the man for you for life, but to even be a contender for real commitment, he has to show himself a man to be worthy of it. One way to show his seriousness is to start over with your parents approval. Having him step up and be open is a clear sign that his intentions (as much as he can set them at 17) are serious and honorable.
If there's nothing wrong with him that they'd disapprove of other than your age, if he's ambitious, respectful, kind and stable, then they very well may also be happy you've met someone you care about, they may just adore him and will want to help you keep yourselves on track until you're ready to decide whether you'll get married or not.
The big question I have is, are you being careful with your heart and your future? Do you abstain or at least practice safe sex? Do you have a plan in case of pregnancy? For matters of the heart, if it didn't work out with him, what would you regret?
Your parents love you and want you to be happy with someone of good character and real compatibility (for me, it was someone outside my culture, but our families met and shared the values we all felt would make us work together well in the long run). When people choose for themselves, sometimes love blinds them to what my mom calls "the fatal flaws." Parents have lived longer and met many kinds of people along the way. They will see him without the love haze you see him through. If you really believe in him, maybe you can put him to the test.
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Rating: 5
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Thank you so much for your response.
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