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19/f I went through a deep, long episode of depression. I absolutely loathed myself. It escalated to where I was cutting, and I nearly attempted suicide. I had a drink and a bottle of pills ready one night, the only thing that stopped me was the thought of being a buzz-kill for my father's huge 50th birthday event coming up. Before and after that, suicide was almost all I thought about.
I was pretty dang overweight. I wanted to get out of this dark abyss, and not that losing weight would be what would make me worth something, but I didn't want weight to hold me back anymore. It's been about 3 or 4 months since I decided to really start losing weight. I've been extremely loyal to my diet, and have lost quite a bit of weight. Everyone is noticing and complimenting me. It used to be just people I hadn't seen in a while, but now even people I see every day are saying I look great. I'm far from done, but here's the issue.
Instead of loathing myself, at the beginning of the month I realized I'm kind of tolerating who I am now. I'm starting to feel proud of what I look like. Instead of staring into the mirror glaring at the person looking back, I'm noticing how parts of me are shrinking and getting firmer, and it makes me feel pretty awesome. I couldn't see at first, but now I'm noticing and it's a pretty awesome feeling. My journey is far from over, but I've made some good progress.
What I'm worried about is, I don't want to equate my self-worth with how much I weigh. I'm worried that my hatred is going away because I'm starting to look good. I don't want to depend on my looks for my worth. SO, is it normal to feel this way when losing weight? How can I differentiate loving myself for real/ just loving how I look that day? I want to be careful, because I want to like being me for me, not for the compliments and approval I'm getting. I don't know, does anyone know how I feel? (link)
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I know how you feel.
I've pretty much done the same thing as you.
The problem is that now that I've lost a lot of weight I still feel pretty ugly and fat and I want to lose even more even though I'm almost underweight now. Yet I still want to lose around 22 pounds or more._.
I'm glad that you don't think that way and it's a good sign that you feel better about yourself :) You said yourself that you were overweight which might have also added to you not liking yourself don't you think? And now that you've lost weight and that part of you that you didn't like is gone you obviously feel better :) I don't think that there is anything wrong with it. I just hope that it's not going to develope into a problem for example an eating disorder. When you have an eating disorder it's all about finding a way to control your life. It's a coping mechanismn. And I hope that this is not going to happen to you. Think about what you're going to do when you've reached your target weight. Will you want to lose more because it's the only thing that you can hang on to?
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Rating: 5
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I'm so sorry you can relate. But I greatly appreciate your advice out of it all. That's a really good thing to keep in mind: is losing weight what is making me happy? Thank you so much. But I'm concerned about your welfare. I don't want you to get an eating disorder. Talk to someone about how you're feeling, got it??? Thanks again.
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