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My boyfriend and I have lived together now for about 6 months. We have been together for 4 years. I feel like has changed so much since we got together. He doesn't like the same things anymore, his attitude is different, it's like he's a different person. We can't hold a conversation now because he doesn't care about anything i do anymore, it seems.
He just did this thing where he searched through my facebook messages and found a conversation with an ex, about a year old. This conversation was my ex trying to get back together with me and me saying "i have a boyfriend, its not going to work". And my boyfriend freaked out. He wouldn't talk to me for like 8 hours. I always tell him that if there's something bothering him to please please talk to me. And he just sat in bed for 8 hours and wouldn't look at me, or talk to me or anything. I was about to leave all together because i thought he hated me. and finally at the last second he said something. He won't talk to me about stuff, for some reason he can't communicate when there's a problem. And communication is a huge relationship factor for me. He always says "ill start talking to you when there's a problem" but then he just never does. And I almost walked out because of it!
Last night he was telling me about how he's sooo unhappy because i annoy him. He said that the reason he's unhappy is becaue I leave my tooth floss out sometimes, i drank milk that he bought, i use the tv to watch what I want when i come home from work, and when we're driving together, i comment on his driving. Which to me are very miniscule things, not things to be depressed about. Plus, he has never mentioned them to me before. If he had said something, I wouldnt keep doing it, im not that kind of person.
And furthermore, its my apartment, i pay full rent and bills, he buys food occasionally when his parents give him money. He won't even go apply for food stamps even though we can barely survive on my income. I own the tv and im only home from work for like 3 hours before i go to bed so he has all day to watch tv. And he just learned how to drive my car, it's a stick. So i do comment on his driving, but only when im trying to help him or if he's doing something wrong. When he moved in, we agreed that I would go to work while he looks for a job and he will take care of the apartment (cleaning) in the meantime. Which he does hardly at all. when he "cleans" he just loads the dishwasher. which is great. But then I get home from a long day at work and I have to sweep, vaccum, wipe the counters down, take out the trash, clean the cats' literboxes. And I ask him to do more but he just doesnt.
Lastly, i have always been supportive and encourage him. He doesnt have a job and he gets depressed when he gets turned down for one. And every time, I say "dont worry, you'll get one eventually, stay positive" things like that. I am extremely supportive and wouldnt ever say anything to hurt him. He says that he is depressed, he lacks confidence, he doesnt know how to interact with people anymore, he can't sleep. And I support him through all of it, but I can only sit there and watch someone be unhappy and NOT try to change it for so long. Im the kind of person that if im unhappy, i find out whats making me unhappy and change it. He would rather just wallow in his misery and be a victim. Im so tired of being a mom saying "there there, it will be alright".
Maybe im being a little harsh, i want him to be happy. But equally important, I want to be happy. It's hard to sit here and watch someone you love become a totally different person.
Im just stuck and not sure what i should do :( (link)
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It sounds like he's much younger than you but that's not for me to judge. I think that there's only so much support that you can give. From reading your story I have a feeling that your partner has given up on this relationship. I mean he's achieved his goal, he moved in with you and to be honest why would he change things if everything is already made for him. You said that he doesn't have a job and that he hardly does anything at home. That's just pathetic and if I was you I would make up some grand rules as it seems that you're doing everything around him. I mean what is e a prince, can't he get off his bloody backside and help you. I mean great that you support him but where is his support or some sort of understanding of your person. I don't think that you're being harsh at all and it's nice that you want him to be happy but what about yourself. You deserve way better than this. So here's what I'd do:
Sit him down and talk to him. Tell him that you don't care, that he either sits through and hears what you have to say or you're leaving him for good. You tell him that you're tired of this relationship where it is only you who puts all the effort. You tell him to get his act together or he'll lose you for good. If he can't find a job than he'll have to do the housework. If he wants to be in a relationship than he'll have to help you out as you can't do this alone. Oh and about that ex of yours use him as an argument. Tell your partner that maybe it wont be such a bad idea to get back together with him as you have enough of this one way relationship.
Sorry if it a bit lengthy but we women have to stick together. I mean you deserve way better. Hope everything works out for you whichever way. Most importantly I hope that you'll be happy again. My fingers are crossed for you so good luck and let me know how it went.
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Rating: 5
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Hi, thanks for your answer. I took your advice and had a sit down with him. I decided that some tough love is what needed to happen and let him know that it can't be a one way relationship anymore and that I would give him another chance to shape up. He did pick up some slack around the house, and started being a little more persistent in the job search area. I told him that I'll do the best I can, but he needs to seek help because I'm not a counselor. So he is seeing a doctor regarding the depression. I was surprised and impressed at how much initiative he took to make things better and we have been improving as a couple, so hopefully it goes well from here on out. Again, thank you!
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