E-mail:
lawwing-yan@hotmail.comGender:
FemaleLocation:
Edinburgh, Scotland.Age:
20MSN:
lawwing-yan@hotmail.comMember Since:
January 20, 2011Answers:
179Last Update:
April 20, 2014Visitors:
10041about
Hey guys. I'm just a girl going through the transition of a teenager to an adult and all that it entails.
I've had a colourful life with many a lesson learned and much to offer. Whether you want advice, support or just a chat then all you gotta do is reach out.
I'm honest, whether it hurts or not, but i'm fair; open minded and philosophical, a little crazy yet very logical, at times rather controversial.
If you have a question go ahead and ask!
advice
My situation seems to be different from anything I’ve ever heard of or read about. I love my wife dearly, but I’m about ready to walk out the door because my own emotional ‘love bucket’ has run dry.
My story starts in the 15th year of our marriage: at Valentines we had a marriage vow renewal ceremony then shortly after (March 5th) she told me about her infidelities during the previous years. Actually, she told me about 4 and it wasn’t until much later that I found out the number was way higher.
She’s said she was sorry, that she’d never wanted to hurt me, that she’d been ‘sick’, that she’d only done it for the attention and she just wanted me to forgive and forget and we could just go on as if nothing had ever happened.
When I cried and told her how much this hurt, she got angry and defensive. My position was (and still is), “You destroyed something that was very precious to me: what are you going to do to make up for that? I don’t know if I can ever trust or believe you again: what are you going to do about that?”
Her position: “Nothing! I stopped, didn’t I? Beyond that I don’t owe you anything.”
Even if our sex life hadn’t dried up, I doubt that I could muster much enthusiasm for a woman who turned out to be so much different from the girl I thought I’d married.
If only she hadn’t told me! My advice to every adulterer is: don’t ever tell unless there’s a burning chance that he/she will find out – in which case you need to tell them before they find out on their own.
I don’t want much: I was promised love, honor and faithfulness and I want that! If I can’t have that then I at least want a substitute I can live with.
The other side of the coin is that during this time I was a radio / tv broadcaster. The opportunities for me to have been unfaithful to her were abundant. Nope! Not once. Not even close.
Which leads me to the other edge of my sword of frustration: had I taken advantage of those opportunities then right now, we’d be on equal footing.
What would you do?
Lets not look at this as a competition or whether you'd be equal should you also be unfaithful. The saying "two wrongs don't make a right" is extremely fitting for this situation.
It seems as though you're more emotionally bound to your wife and to your relationship with her more than she. The entire foundation of your relationship with her has been shaken; there is no functional relationship without the basic necessity of truth. Not only did she betray you with infidelity but she lied to you when "confessing". it begs the question: what more, if anything, is she hiding from me?
Furthermore her total indifference to how shocked and hurt you are as well as a complete lack of genuine remorse really does disappoint. As if she were an adolescent, she really does not accept the responsibility of the position she put you in and the jeopardy of your relationship.
If she really is unwell to the point where she is a diagnosed sex addict or something of the sort then there may be some sort of relief in that. However, from what you have described this does not seem to be the case. To cheat once or even twice, it is possible to try to make the relationship work. Yet continuous acts of infidelity as well as completely lacking the effort to contribute to your relationship and marriage in any way that would see you both working your way towards a happier future cannot be ignored and this is not something you signed up for upon making your vows, neither is it something that you deserve.
People chance a lot in fifteen years; sometimes into people we no longer recognise. Perhaps its time to crack down and get things going. Maybe visit a marriage councellor. Get your feelings, thoughts, truths, goals and expectations out. You will have the chance to analyze and explore your relationship in a controlled and professional environment with unbiased feedback and support from something who specialises in the subject.
Ask yourself what you want and expect from one another, whether you're even in love with each other and whether you want to put the effort into making major changes in your marriage.
I acknowledge that after investing a significant amount of your life and feelings into a person and what you have together that it is not easy to make a decision and that any decision made is an entirely emotional one, not one of logic. It is ultimately your decision. Its whether you love each other enough to exhaust every option before calling it quits.
I also realise you may not appreciate relationship advice from someone bound to be half your age. Yet I have been in many adult situations and relationships from a very early age and have been through more than most will go through in their lifetime. Whether you take on board what I have to say is entirely your choice. I am simply stating an opinion in the hopes of offering some sort of help or support to a person in need of it.
(Rating: 4) You hit the nail on the head with your insight about 'hiding more' and adolescent behavior and lack of empathy. Unfortunately, your only advise seems to be to perhaps see a marriage counselor. We've been to several. She cries nicely in front of them, but I have seen no real change in her attitude.