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Okay, so me and my bf have been together for 1.5 years and I am really in love with him. He's always smoked pot and when we first started dating I realized that he has done pills and never told me. I got pissed and basically he stopped for a while. In January, everything seemed to take a turn for the worse. We've been doing long distance for almost a year now and in january he moved 2 hours away(instead of 7). He hasnt moved to my town because he had a really good friend commit suicide here and its tough on him (thats when he started doing pills). He moved back home because he started doing pills again and overdosed. His dad kept him on a tight leash when he got home so he moved out and is now living with a friend(who also suffers the same addiction) Recently when I was on spring break we spent time together and he keeps talking about wanting me and marrying me and having children and blah blah blah. This stuff scares the crap out of me because I am a freshman in college with a boyfriend who has a drug problem. But since ive been at school again, he has been horrible with calling me. Usually he'd call me once a night, and if i was going out he'd tell me to call him when i got home. Now I hear from him about every 5 days. Ive told him this really bugs me and that if he really wants me in his life this needs to change but it doesnt seem to work. He always says he will call me the next night when we are getting off the phone but then four days later still nothing. (he has no phone-he uses his friends so i cant call him) I'm just really confused if this means that maybe he's losing interest in us? If he was im confused why he even bothers calling me at all? He's planning a trip here in two weeks so it seems like he still loves me a lot. I'm thinking maybe he's still doing the pills and this is effecting our relationship. I just really want to get it through his head that I will stick around while he gets himself clean if he simply treats me like a girlfriend and lets me know whats going on. I really love him and when im with him I really feel like he loves me too. We've been through so much and ive never felt the same for any of my past relationships, but i wish id know if he felt the same. My parents think I should dump him because of the drugs, and i see their point because it is NOT acceptable. But I see how much they effect him and know that he really truley wants to change that. When I bring up leaving, he says he needs me and he has no reason to change if im not there. But then why wouldn't he call and treat me like he loves me still. I feel like all his words have been empty promises lately and I don't know if thats gonna change anytime soon? If he makes the trip up here it would mean a lot. I know he probably will because he has the money too, but I can't help but get anxious thinking that he is like never gonna call or just disappear from my life. I hope this whole mess of a paragraph makes sense and someone can give me some real advice. He always ends up pushing through but I really want him to be there when i need him not just when he needs me. Is there anyway to salvage this? :/ (link)
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Your boyfriend CAN'T be there for you the way you need him to be. He's an addict. Addicts don't view the world and relationships the way we do. Addiction creates extremely selfish people. I believe you when you say that is not "the real" him, however, for as long as he is addicted, it IS the real him, and you have to accept that. Its time for you to recognize that he is not the same person you fell in love with. The drugs have clouded his mind and his judgment. He is not capable of loving you (or anyone, for that matter) the way you deserve to be loved. Addicts are also manipulative. They learn to prey on the hopes and fears of their loved ones. They don't do it in a scary or weird way (not always, anyway), but in a way that makes you feel bad. He doesn't want to be alone. So he makes you feel bad about leaving him because he knows that is your weakness. You want to see him get clean so bad you'll do anything, and he counts on that. You say the drugs are "NOT acceptable", and yet you are still wanting a relationship with him. How can you expect him to believe you won't accept his drug use if you keep sticking around for him? I'm sorry, I know this hurts so much, but you are not helping you or your bf by sticking around. If you truly love him you will cut off all contact with him. You will need to tell him that when he gets professional help and changes his life, then you can talk. Until that time, you need to cut off all contact. Don't even accept texts or calls, because he knows the right buttons to push and you dont' seem strong enough, at this point, to resist his manipulation. He may have loved you sincerely at one point, but right now he loves his addiction more than anything. That's what addiction does to a person. It makes them forget who they really are and forget how to be concerned for other people. If you stay with him, you are only hurting him, believe it or not. You are giving aid and comfort to his disease. Maybe someday he will be able to be the man you hoped he would be. But those changes he must make for himself. You cannot, and will never, change him, or anybody. It will be painful, but as I said before, if you truly do love him, you will sacrifice your own feelings to help him learn how to help himself. My own father struggles with addictions, so I know quite a bit about how it feels to love someone who can't love you back the right way because of drugs/alcohol. If you want more information/help, watch "Intervention" on A&E... I know its just a tv show, but it is the most real portrayal of addiction and how it affects families that I've ever seen on television. It will help you understand some things. Good luck.
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Rating: 5
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Its just really hard to actually say goodbye :/
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