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I don''t know what else to do with myself. Nothing works! Here's my story...
Im the hopeless romantic. Ever since I was 13 I wanted to have the relationship of dreams. I know I deserve it. I am such a happy person. All my friends always tell me I am so beautiful inside and out. I've even advocated happiness to others and have had people tell me I've changed their lives. I'm very good at giving advice and have frequented advicenators helping people. I love making people happy. I always believed that happiness is the purpose of life and nobody has reason to not be happy! Yet I have been miserable for so long...i feel like i've lost myself because of what has happened to me...hes taken all I had.
I met this 25 year old two years ago (at 17) and have fallen in love with him over the course of the relationship. I knew it was a bad idea at start, and I honestly cannot tell you why I went into it, but I did. We have gone trough so so much! I have helped him with his past (really fucked up) relationship issues, family issues, everything. I was the young, happy, polite, passionate person and he was the cynical, hard, angry and bitter, because he was very hurt person. Hes hurt me so much before, he had almost even cheated on me, said I was his cousin to other girls, taken me for granted, made me think all our fights were my fault, said I needed to grow up, made me cry everyday, said he doesn't give a fuck, called me naive, a pushover, basically made me doubt everything about myself. It was almost abusive, and I don't know why I stayed. Probably because I knew he loved me, and I loved him, and I wanted to hold on to love so badly. Its almost sick that I stayed so long. And when i finally left him 5 months ago, he changed. He became good, he started worshiping me and I took him back for the last time, which turned out to be the last time he would ever mess up. Hes actually been different. Perfect, amazing person. Its unbelievable. But I feel like the damage was done. I was/am still so hurt by what happened before, I feel like a different person. Even my friends tell me I'm different.
And then there's the arguments we have now. We cannot be together, I've realized. We both want different things, I am 19, he is 27, I am in college, he thinks I'm too independent. We just are not good for each other but kept staying together because we loved each other. And I finally became the strong one and said that we shouldn't be together. What followed was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. Him standing in the doorway pleading with me to stop him, he didn't want to leave my house and me forever. He kept looking back to see if I would follow him. My heart broke in a million pieces because I knew I couldn't do that. I couldn't let it go on when we've tried so hard for the past 5 months to work things out and we just keep getting hurt. But I really don't know how to handle this fucking pain! Its unbearable. I know that it will pass, I know that I will be okay. I know I deserve better, hell hes even told me he knows I do. He's thanked me for being his "angel". It just really fucking hurts. I need some honest to god advice or points of view or something to do to help me. I tried my friends, parents, none helped because they all think it was about time. I am alone in my room crying and thinking of him over and over. How can one still love someone that;s caused them so much pain??? I know I did the right thing, but oh god it feels so so so bad. Can someone tell me anything else besides that it will heal with time? How does one heal from such a terrible experience with love? (link)
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Sadly, no, there's not a whole lot we can say that'll make this go easier on you. He's got 8 years on you, he's ready to settle down and you're not done growing into the adult you will be someday. By the time you're done with college and thinking about starting a job and establishing yourself in some sort of career he's going to be wanting you to stop working because he'll be thinking he's getting a bit old to have kids, especially if he wants more than one.
Even if not, by the time a guy hits 30 he's usually wanting some stability in his life, stability which you cannot provide as young as you are.
You won't fully heal until you fall in love with someone else. That said, don't rush it. Bury yourself in friends, hobbies, things that can at least make you happy in the moment. Get rid of things that remind you of him, at least box them in the attic for now.
Walking away like you did is hard. It shows alot of maturity. Maturity he lacks.
Your ex is a broken person. He is not an adult. He has not acted like one. If you stay together while he is broken, you will never be able to let go and forget. Maybe in 5 years, if he really changes and tries to better himself as a person, you could work. As it is, being with him has forced you to grow up more than any girl your age naturally will. You're more mature than he is, and you've got the strength and self awareness to walk away before you got to the point where you hated him.
He doesn't. He doesn't recognize your need to not have him fucking up your daily life, making you a non-functional person, consuming your life with the relationship between the two of you.
He is incapable of being selfless enough to end it, knowing that's what you need. That could change. He could stop being a manchild at some point in the future. But staying with him is not going to grow him up.
If he grows up and you stay, everything you want him to do will be you being a bitch until he realizes he needs to want to change it himself. Every problem you have that occurs because he's a brat which you get mad about will be something you have to convince him of.
If you leave him and stay away, he might come to these conclusions himself. He might find another woman who's not got your history and who can stick him out long enough that he's not a broken manchild and still be in love with him. He might go through a series of women and end up thinking girls are the devil. But it's got to be up to him, and you've spent enough of your life trying to make his life a little more about you.
I mean, I'm married. That makes "half your life" a legal definition, but that's the general idea of relationships that get serious. He's sucking so much energy out, and he's pouring mostly negative energy back in...
It's fixable, but he shouldn't expect you to have to wait around in the middle of it. You don't ask someone to continue to sit on the toilet you're trying to plunge. That's fucked up.
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Rating: 5
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Thank you witty, i always enojy your advice. I just am in so much pain thinking that he loves me and I him and every day that goes by i want to talk to him, tell him i miss him. But what will that accomplish? Nothing. I just dont know what to do to FEEL better....like tonight, i went out with friends, danced, but at the end of the night im still here thinking and crying about him. I dont know how not to! But you are completely right. Thank you so much!
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