about

Well i don't really like doing 'about me' bits, so all I'll say is that I want to help as much as I can, and I think i'm quite good at seeing things from the perspective of others, a characteristic, I've always believed, to be essential when giving good advice. Feel free to ask me anything you like =)

*I've added my email, should be somewhere on my page and if anyone recieves advice from me and just wants to ask more about their problem or what they've said, they can ask me through that if they prefer =)

advice

21/f. He's 24/m. We've have been involved for four years. REALLY long story short, it's been a rough road for us. He used to be emotionally abusive, but he made a conscious decision to change. I agreed to let the past go, and forgive him. It was great for a long time, and despite his family hating me, we were happy.
Recently, I got a job in my field. Instead of being happy for me when I told him about the pay, he said, "That's it? You should turn it down."
Now when I try to tell him funny stories about work, he says "sweet" with no inflection, and changes the subject. He makes a point of letting me know I'm "not funny" when I try to joke around, or he thinks I'm serious when I'm not. He suddenly doesn't understand me anymore.
It's become increasingly obvious to me that he doesn't care. About anything, including himself. He's studying for the MCAT, and it's all he CLAIMS he ever does. I have absolutely no objection to him studying, and I'd be happy he was doing it if it was really what he wanted. Instead, he's doing it to appease his parents, and I hate him for it. He doesn't have the balls to stand up to them and say he doesn't want to do it. Of course, he doesn't know what he wants to do anyway.
I've lost respect for him, I'm becoming less attracted to him. He's starting to say little nasty things to me, and I just don't want to put up with it.
I think he just doesn't belong in my life anymore...but how do I tell him? In person, I know, but I have to get him to stop "studying" long enough for me to say something. How do I do THAT when I never see him?
Should I give him a chance to redeem himself?

Little nasty things, sounds to me like he is becoming insecure about the strength of your relationship so is trying to distance himself from you before you can do the same to him,i.e. dump him. From what you have said,it seems he has good reason to think you're relationship is getting weaker.

I think you have to decide for yourself whether you should go out with him again. Since you're finding it difficult though, try considering these for a start;

1) Is this pattern of his likely to continue repeating itself?
2) Have you done anything to provoke this, been flirtacious with other guys etc etc that would make him feel confused by the relationship in anyway?
3) Can you deal with the consequences if the same all happens again?
4)If you swapped positions and you knew that he thought all this about you, what would you want him to do. For example would you like him to give you another chance? or give him an oppotunity to say what you really thought? and if that is what you would want, how would you like this opportunity to be presented etc etc
5)How would you advise someone in you're situation? To do this you really need to take a step back to emotionally detatch yourself, tough but helpful.

Hopefully some of them will make you think about what you really want. However to return to my original point,if you do decide to let him redeem himself, you need to make it clear that he need not have any insecurities from the very start, to prevent the same situation occuring again. If you do chose to tell him you've had enough,blunt and straight forward is always the best way and if you still have bad feelings towards him,don't show them, a anger free break up means its less likely to be one that has lasting effects or problems.


Good Luck with you decision

Mike x


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Well, okay, in response...to your response (if that makes sense ) I would say that you should never do anything that you think is going to make you unhappy, at least in the long term. What I mean is, if you see him eventually turning things around, (which doesn't seem likely since he's done the same before,but if you do) then only then you should give him another chance, because if not, theres no point in getting yourself caught up in something that makes you so unhappy, requires so much effort and so isn't going to produce anything positive ever. So if it was me I would end the relationship.
As for how to tell him and when to fit it in,give him a call or a text and say you want to meet him and you've got somrthing to important discuss, and if he says no, then he's obviously not interested in whats important to you and i would just reply in the most stright forward way that its over, because then at least you've tried to be more civilised about it and its his fault that you have to tell him over the phone.

Hope this was more helpful =)

Mike

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(Rating: 5) I guess the taking-a-step-back thing is good advice, but that's why I posted this here. I'm having trouble detaching; I need an outsider's POV. And, "little nasty things" doesn't equal insecurity. If anything, he's pushing me away.

[Edit]: Thank you for re-responding. I guess I have to face the music sometime.
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