Q: 14/f
I'm going to be a sophomore this year. Ok this is gonna be alot. I'm just sick and tired of everything. Last year my life was so hard for me. I couldn't handle it. I have been cutting since 8th grade. I haven't cut in a month though. I know its a really bad habit and I want to do it so bad but then I just can't cover it no more since its summer. My life was breaking down and I needed help so bad. I knew it. I blew off guys, like I didn't like any boy. I always have liked a guy but then last year it didn't happen. I kept wondering why. I had one boyfriend last year and he was the only guy I liked. I don't like him anymore. I got over it REALLY quickly...
I don't know but I cried so much. Then at times I didn't know why I cried.
My friends noticed it and my teacher. I always say I'm fine and that's the normal thing to do. I never talk about my problems. I can't. It's too hard.
One of my friends tried to help me. She had depression and thought she could help. I gave up on myself. I didn't want the help. I know I needed it but I didn't want it.
Most of this was that I was never happy. I feel like somethings wrong with me and I don't know what to do. I act like everything's fine and smiled. Then I get home and cry.
Ok so I sound like a stupid 14 year old girl who can't control her emotions complaining. Yeah apparently that's what I do and that's what I'm doing. I don't know why and I don't know who to turn to.
The last time I was cutting. I cut so much. So many all over my legs and arms. No one noticed, except a couple of my friends. I never got help.
I've grown up in church all my life. A really good church too. I ended up liking another guy there. I met him last year as a freshman. He was a junior. Now I'm gonna be a sophomore and he is gonna be a senior. We are pretty good friends. I never started liking him till a couple months ago. He was cool. I didn't tell anyone but one friend. The thing is for these past couple weeks I just didn't talk to him as much. I was pushing him away. Only cause I know he wouldn't like me and I didn't want to like him. I still don't. The most I say is hi and that's it.
So at my church I made some decisions. Since its summer I thought I would be fine and be all happy like I'm supposed to be. It hit me again. I know when I start school again its gonna come back and I'm gonna be cutting and crying. I don't know what to do.
I don't have a clue what's going on with me. How can I just fake this in front of everybody and just...be ok with it until I'm alone. So far I've realized I have a problem but I don't know what and how to deal with it.
This guy was my world. The only thing I felt that was good. Until I just stopped talking to him it felt worse. I know my unhappiness isn't caused by him.
Then I just think the worst of things. Like my friends aren't really good friends even though I know they are the best. But I felt like people talk about me. I don't think they do but I felt like it. They are good people. I just think I'm not good enough for them.
I was so stressed out from school too. I am horrible and math and thought I was gonna fail and take summer school. I actually passed with a D. I was so happy I started crying. That was wonderful for me.
So when I decided to fight myself I wanted to think positive all the time. I tried so hard but then if I just stop for one time. Just one time I feel so hurt and like a big empty spot inside of me.
Why is this happening to me when I'm 14. I'm going to be 15 soon and this isn't how I wanted to be. I feel too young for this.
What should I do. I would talk to someone but I don't know who...and I don't really feel like I want to, need to, or ready to talk to someone. The best person I know is from church but I feel if I say anything that might parents will find out or I will get hurt.
Sorry for wasting your time. I just don't know what to do.
