Q: Usually I'm the one answering peoples' questions, but now I want some opinions. Oh yeah, 19/f. The guy's 22/m.
The Background, as short as I can make it:
This guy and I dated for 7 months officially last year. We've been broken up since last July, but we never really broke up. We had a FWB thing going for awhile, and then we turned into barely friends but still messed around a little. Something happened recently and we reconnected, and we have the FWB thing going again (we broke up because neither of us was prepared for what we felt being in a relationship with the other (total loss of control of our emotions)).
Yesterday we had a conversation in which I accused him of being too closed off to people, only to realize it was really me that was too closed off.
I'm a writer and a recently changed-to English major.
I freewrite to clear my head and understand what's going on in my subconscious better. Because of this, I carry a notebook with me everywhere, and write down things that happen, things I think, and any conflicting or confusing feelings or thoughts that pop up.
He saw the notebook, and he's always wanted to read my freewriting. I've never let him. I've never let anyone read that stuff, because it's the inside of my head, and even though he was once deep in my conscious and knew everything going on in my head, I don't know that I'm ready or willing to let him do it again.
He bribed me, saying that if I let him flip to a random page and read it, I could ask him any question I wanted and he'd answer honestly.
The catch is, in that notebook is all the conflicting feelings I had a couple months ago, when I "dated" someone else, trying to move on. Needless to say, I wound up right back in this guy's arms. Thing is, I don't want him to know that I was really trying to get over him, or that I was ever really conflicted about who I liked/loved more (especially because the guy was his friend, and he doesn't know me and this guy were ever officially dating).
But I have a couple questions I do want to ask him. He knows me very well. If he suggested the question, he must know I'm curious about what's going on with us right now.
Honestly, it feels like we're slowly progressing back into a relationship, only we never let go of the physical aspect.
I want to ask him if his feelings for me are back where they were. I want to hear him say "I love you" again.
I want to know if he wants to get back together with me in the future, or if I'm getting my hopes up for nothing.
I want to ask him what he sees happening with us in ten years - I wanna know if he's had daydreams or visions of us getting married like I have.
But I'm scared to death of all possible answers to all of those questions.
What would you do? Would your curiosity get the better of you? 'Cause mine's starting to, and I almost want to let him read my possibly incriminating writing just so I have his honest answer to one of those questions.
On the other hand, I almost don't want to try to take the mystery out of everything. I thrive on drama, and I have none right now. If there was no question about anything with us I think I'd be bored.
So what would you do in my shoes?
