Hello, Everyone. I'm here in the interest of giving non-biased, practical and creative advice. I have a special interest for relationships and people from all walks of life. I am considering a career in life coaching and hope I can be of help to those seeking a different perspective to their situations and issues. Please do not hesitate to contact me; no valid question will be dismissed or considered taboo.
Kindest Regards,
Anne Nonimous
Gender: Female
Location: Central Ohio
Occupation: Assistant Manager/Optician
Age: 24
AIM: BabeMarley
Member Since: September 4, 2005
Answers: 50
Last Update: December 15, 2005
Visitors: 6747
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I'm 17/F and I need advice concerning my boyfriend. We have been together about 2 months now and things have been up and down between us, but we are head over heels in love with eachother. We occasionally have our fights over petty things, but we always make up and I am very happy being with him. Well recently things were even more amazing than usual and we hadn't fought like we usually would. Well it seems like everyone is out to break us up. I had my ex boyfriend trying to tell him that I cheated on him, and then I had guys that used to be friends with him telling me he cheated on me. Everyone was trying to get us to break apart and the underlying reason was crystal clear to me: They wanted us to break up so that I would be single so they could make their move on me. All of them mentioned how they could "treat me better" and all that bullshit. I truly love my boyfriend and I would NEVER cheat on him. But the one area that I always stumble into in all the relationships I've been in is trust. I'm naturally not a very trusting person. And I definently don't trust my boyfriend that much. I trust he would never cheat on me, but when he tells me something I don't trust his word on it. He makes up white lies all the time and exaggerates alot. I have no problem with this really, because I can be a fibber at times as well. But the problem I do have is that he is VERY secretive about his serious issues in his life. Like his family especially. He only lets me know bits and pieces about his family issues. He lives with his mom and his step-dad. I know ALOT about this family. I've met them and I know all of them really well. But his real dad I don't know much about and he doesn't tell me much. His real dad he is not allowed to see because his mom doesn't want him around him, so she told my boyfriend that if she caught him going up there to see him she would send him to military school. So he secretly keeps in contact with him and visits him only about twice a year. He said he won't tell me much about it because the last girl he was with threatened to tell on him to his mom once and she almost got him caught and he said he wants to keep certain things to himself. And I understand that. I'm the same way. But he is double-sided. If I keep something to myself and I am upset about it, he will get PISSED if I don't tell him all the details. And just last night I was hanging out with him and his mom called his cell demanding him to get his ass home or she would call the cops. He had just got off work and it was around 12:30 when we drove back to his house. His mom and step dad were pissed because he "hadn't done his laundry" and he was out late, when he doesn't have a curfew on the weekends! So that didn't at all make sense to me. Well he pulled up at his house and his step dad was standing in the front lawn. He gave me a kiss goodnight and the minute he opened the car door to get out, his step dad reached his hand into the car, grabbed my boyfriend by the hair and threw him onto the front lawn and started punching him and kicking in his ribs and face! I immediately got out of my car and ran over there. His step dad was punching him and cussing him out and my boyfriend was on the ground screaming, "I didn't do anything wrong! STOP!" Well I started screaming at his dad to stop fucking beating him up and he looked at me and briefly stopped and told me to get in my fucking car and get the hell out of there or something will happen. I stood there not wanting to leave, but my boyfriends uncle gently pushed me toward my car and told me to leave quickly. The whole night I couldn't sleep or eat and I was crying all night and morning because I was afraid they found out he went to see his real dad and they were going to send him away. And I was also afraid my boyfriend would decide to move 2 hours away to get away from them. Well I finally got to see my boyfriend around 10:30 and his face was all cut up, his ear cartilage was torn, his back was covered in welts and so was his neck and chest, and his head had a HUGE bump on it. He told me his step dad called the cops on him because he punched him and busted his nose. (His dad had continued beating the shit out of him for 15 minutes straight after I left and drug him by his hair up the stairs so my boyfriend got up and punched him in the face). Well when I asked why his dad did this he said he would tell me later. Then he told me later that he couldn't tell me because it was a "family issue" and it didn't concern me and it was something real serious, and he was told not to talk to anyone about it. Well I was upset that he wouldn't tell me, but I wasn't going to press it. Well later that night he told me the reason was because he "missed curfew", "kept having people over without permission", and "wasn't checking in with them enough". I know it was a lie. I can tell when he lies and he was lying to me. But I wasn't going to add stress by bringing it up. So is there any way that I can get my boyfriend to open up to me? I understand people need there privacy and some thing kept to themselves, but there are certain things I think I should be entitled to knowing since I am his girlfriend, and since he expects me to tell him about my serious issues as well. (Sorry my question is so long!) (link)
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Hello there. You've got a LOT going on in your life. I think you're stuck in a toxic relationship. Let's talk about that first:
A true and healthy relationship will revolve around basic aspects: Trust, Honesty, Love, and Respect. You and your boyfriend aren't going to be able to reach a true level of intimacy if you haven't gotten past the level of he-said she-said bs and basic communication. True love is based upon the good, the bad, and the ugly. And love sometimes means being hurtful because that's what is the truth. If he isn't going to open up to you, you will always feel arm's length from him despite the time you two share together. It has to be a reciprocal relationship of give and take. You get back what you give in. Otherwise, you end up feeling completely drained, and ultimately empty-handed.
As for the episode of Jerry Springer, it's not your boyfriend's fault that he is in a bad situation with his family. No one deserves to be in a position of abuse or neglect. His stepfather should be reported to the proper authorities and they should be separated by either your boyfriend or his stepdad living somewhere else. Now that being said, you need to consider where you stand with your man. Is being with him healthy for you? Is being with you better for HIM at this time in his life? It's hard to walk away from someone in their time of need. You may decide to be there to support and comfort him, and that would be admirable. But do consider your well being too. Putting yourself in harm's way or emotional distress won't help either one of you or your relationship either.
You need to have a heart to heart and level with him. It's got to be real and true from here on out. If he loved you the way he says he does, he would trust and respect you enough to let him into his life and let you share his burden. You need to respect his pride and privacy, but also be real to him, too. He should know by now whether or not you are going to cheat. So no more white lies, you have to live up to the expecations you place upon him.
I hope things work out for the best.
Good Luck!
Anne Nonimous
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Rating: 5
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Thanks for your advice! It was very helpful and very well written. I am the type of person who deals with the bullshit and sticks by my man. I can be very selfless sometimes, which sometimes gets me hurt in the end. When I'm in love I wear my heart on my sleeve, so I sometimes get burned. But I learn alot through heartache, so everything is worth it. We didn't let the bullshit people were giving us bring us down. I didn't believe the other people, and he didn't believe their bullshit either. So that was GOOD. It was a test in our relationship. And it passed with flying colors. That part of the trust issue we BOTH have no problem with. And we communicate alot, but the only thing that lacks in our relationship is this issue with him being "hush-hush" with his family issues. I have had many heart-to-heart with him, and I understand that it is hard for certain people to open up better than others, but like you said, a good, healthly relationship involves give and take, and I can't always be the one giving all the time. So far I have a pretty good feeling that things will work out, but this is one of those issues that can't be pushed back in my mind and ignored. So hopefully things will work out for the better, because he really needs me right now and I need to be there for him.
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