Member Since: June 8, 2005
Answers: 19
Last Update: February 27, 2006
Visitors: 2500
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Ok, I have this problem, I am WAY TOO NICE to my family. I give them advice, (after all, I do have an advice coulumn here)I'm supportive of them, and all they do is take advantage of me, then they ditch me. For example, my cousin has a weight issue, and I help her, and even doctors say my advice was good. She agrees, at the doctors office. She totally ignores me outside of it. When I bring it up she's always like "I have better things to do then talk to you" and on the phone I constantly have to call her name because she doesn't listen to me, and that's just 1 example. They ridicule me one minute, ditch me another minute, then ask me for advice like they are my best friend. What do I do? I turned to masturbation and porno as a getaway- masturbating while watching porno, but more masturbation then porno. Worst thing is that I'm a strong Christian, and their semi athiest ways are rubbing off on me.Help me! And don't tell me to talk to them and stuff, because I've done this in a civilized manner 1000 times, and everyone in my family is stubborn because they think I'm lying all the time because I'm the youngest,and I should suck it up and forget what they say. Help me plz, srry that its so long though. (link)
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Question for you: When you offer your family advice and support, deep down... are you doing so in hopes of receiving a little bit of acknowledgement and gratitude? Perhaps a few kind words and a thank you? Maybe it'd be nice for them to support and treat you the same once once in awhile,huh? Perhaps just a little respect? If so, that would be completely understandable. It's very typical for people that truly want to help and support others to have an underlying need to get a little something back from that. (I'm sure that happens here on this website too. It feels good to receive nice feedback) Only a truly selfless person is able to offer themselves 100% with no expectation of acknowledgment or thanks or anything, and continue to keep giving with nothing in return. (You say you're a strong Christian - think of Jesus as an example of that). Well, you're human (you are, right? you didn't say anything about being from another planet). Anyway... you're human and it's natural to be upset about the responses you're getting. I'd recommend some dog training for your family. (You just went 'what???', didn't you?). Here's what I mean: Dogs respond favorably when they are rewarded for good behavior, while you discourage (but not punished) for bad behavior. People aren't all that different. If you "reward" them for good behavior, they'll eventually "learn" that this is the type of interaction you need from them. Next time they do or say something nice, tell them so. Say... "Hey, thanks. You know, that was really nice and I appreciate it. You're really nice when you're not being a butthead ". It'll make them feel good about what they did, and teach them this is good interaction. If they do something bad, don't give them any more feedback than a look of disappointment and walk away. But don't hold a grudge. When you've calmed down, just try to let it go and start again. Help them understand without actually trying to talk to them about it. You can tell a dog to roll over a thousand times and he'll just look at you like "woof?". Only when you start popping a milk bone in his mouth when he does do it, will he really begin to understand. Encourage the good interaction and disconnect yourself from the bad. One thing about advice, too - Offer only when asked, and don't overdo. Never give people more advice and support than they can handle, or it might be seen as "telling them what to do". Whether they take your advice or not is really up to them. Just be happy for offering it. Don't worry about the masturbation and porno - it sounds like a necessary escape for you, and you aren't harming yourself or others and God won't send you to hell for it. It's a much better escape than turning to drugs, alcohol, smoking, etc etc. One important thing - you have to make sure you take care of yourself before you can give of yourself to others. That might sound selfish, but it's really not. If you don't have the strength to keep yourself up, how can you hold another person up? Make sense? Good.. I'll shut up now. Good luck and take care!
G.
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Rating: 5
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someone who understands me. thank you so much
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