I'm a fourteen year old girl from California. I'm a rabid liberal/feminist an a writer. I've been through cutting, and I'll try not to give bad advice. Ask me whatever you like . . . I'm not so good on romance questions, with a lack of any significant experience, but I'm good on everything else.
Gender: Female
Age: 14
Yahoo: lynx_wings
Member Since: May 12, 2004
Answers: 229
Last Update: October 17, 2004
Visitors: 19318
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You worry me,
You’re face so dark and cold.
You must be ready to kill me.
This night is dark,
No one will notice this.
No one will care.
You wanted me to die for years.
You revealed it tonight,
The night of hell.
My night of torment was not like before,
So sweet and full of cheer
Your good mood turned into anger,
And it engulfed me,
This will never be the same as it was before,
You thought I was a toy for you to play with,
But I’m not a voodoo doll,
But so it seems I have acted as one for you.
My whole life was a lie,
The life I spent with you,
The one that was most precious to me.
My life was wasted on you,
Your face is the worst sight in the world.
If only I could trust you anymore,
We could live in a fairy tale.
But, your last lie to me,
Won’t make anything the same,
You said you would hold my hand through thick and thin,
But you never said torture and cruelty,
I’m an idiot to trust you.
Blood drips upon this paper as I write my last goodbye
Can't you see that all we ever had was but a lie
I sit here and wonder just how hard you tried
To sing me to sleep that night with your one cold lullaby
But to your pleasure it’s enough
Because you just heard the sound of my voice choke.
Ok, I know this was terrible, but please give me some feedback.
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Very nice! The words sound great together, and you're a very talented writer. The poem has a very minor plot, which keeps the reader interested.
"The night of hell" line is the only thing that's not absolutely perfect. The rest is great.
Post it online somewhere besides here. I would recomment fictionpress.com, but I think poetry.com has some nice poetry contests.
edit - - - - - - - - - - -
I checked, and poetry.com has no age restrictions, so you're fine.
On the "night of hell" line - It's a good line, it just sounds too overdone where it is. Maybe take it out entirely and just make that first stanza short and save the line for another poem.
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Rating: 5
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I don't think poetry.com would let a 12-year-old enter one of their contests, what should I replace "the night of hell" with?
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