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I have been struggling with this issue for years, especially with my parents and sister. I am an adult now, married, with one child, and I still feel I'm treated as if I'm a "second-class citizen" by my immediate family and my in-laws as well. I still don't know if it's something about me that makes people treat me differently, or if it's "their problem. " Basically, I feel misunderstood and disrespected. For example, someone in my family accuses me of some doing something wrong, let's say "insulting them" and I'm 100% positive I did no such thing, or that they took something I said the wrong way, and I try to explain my side of it, but the more I try to explain, the angrier they get because they just don't seem to care about the truth and want to go on thinking "wrong" about me, and they just don't respect me enough to listen to anything I have to say. Well, that's how it feels to me. If the shoe were on the other foot, and I thought someone did something wrong to me, and they tried to explain to me that they didn't I would at least have the decency to hear them out, especially my own family. Does any of this makes sense? Basically, I feel like the rules of common courtesy apply to everyone else but me in the eyes of my family. They are constantly hurting me and half the time they don't even realise it, or if they do, they dismiss my feelings as insignificant because they think I am too sensitive. I don't think so. Why do I feel like an outsider in my own family? Why can't they respect my feelings and points of view, even if they don't agree with them. I am constantly told things like "That's enough, " "I don't care" "I don't want to hear it, " or just plain "Shut up!" Is that the way to talk to a grown adult, or anybody for that matter? Let alone someone in your own family that you are supposed to love and care about? If a stranger treated me this way, I would be ofended, but it hurts a lot more coming from someone in your own family. Is there anything that I can do to get more respect from my family? I try to stand up for myself, but they don't "let" me. They snap at me if I ever say anything in my defense or tell them they are being rude, which I don't hesitate to do. I'm fed up, and I don't want to have this tension between me and my family anymore. I almost dread family get-togethers anymore, because I'm afraid someone is going to treat me bad in front of all my other relatives, and I won't be able to truly enjoy myself because I'll be dwelling on it the whole time. Can anybody relate to this at all? I know I can't be the only one, but sometimes I feel that way. Does anybody ever watch "Everybody loves Raymond?" Well, sometimes I feel like Raymond's brother Robert, and my sister is like Raymond. She is the one with the interesting career and is more financially sucessful, so I feel sometimes, she is the "favorite" and I am looked at as "the baby". (Even though I was the first to get married and have a child.) Well, feel free to offer any advice you can. I'm really hoping someone has some insight they can share. Thanks in advance. :-) (link)
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Family members can push each others' buttons like no one else in the world, so it's natural that you would have the most difficulties with them.
The fact that you notice similar problems in dealing with other people, like your in-laws, makes me wonder a bit. It's possible that your parents and sister are just really hard to get along with -- but it also might be the case that you've learned some defensive behavior over time that prevents you from having real discussions.
When you "try to explain," how exactly do you go about it? Could it perhaps be that you go on a very aggressive counterattack? (Telling people that they're being rude is sometimes justifiable, but it often just makes things worse.) One thing you might try is to count to ten before you answer back. If you can respond calmly, you have a better chance of starting a proper dialogue.
I'm not saying that this is all your fault, understand. The point is that you can't change other people's behavior: you can only change your response to it. The only way to get out of old, destructive patterns is to try to create new ones. I think it's important that you express your feelings to your family, but clearly you won't be able to get anywhere while everyone's just sniping at each other.
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