about

Advice from a smart Southern gal.

advice

I have been struggling with this issue for years, especially with my parents and sister. I am an adult now, married, with one child, and I still feel I'm treated as if I'm a "second-class citizen" by my immediate family and my in-laws as well. I still don't know if it's something about me that makes people treat me differently, or if it's "their problem. " Basically, I feel misunderstood and disrespected. For example, someone in my family accuses me of some doing something wrong, let's say "insulting them" and I'm 100% positive I did no such thing, or that they took something I said the wrong way, and I try to explain my side of it, but the more I try to explain, the angrier they get because they just don't seem to care about the truth and want to go on thinking "wrong" about me, and they just don't respect me enough to listen to anything I have to say. Well, that's how it feels to me. If the shoe were on the other foot, and I thought someone did something wrong to me, and they tried to explain to me that they didn't I would at least have the decency to hear them out, especially my own family. Does any of this makes sense? Basically, I feel like the rules of common courtesy apply to everyone else but me in the eyes of my family. They are constantly hurting me and half the time they don't even realise it, or if they do, they dismiss my feelings as insignificant because they think I am too sensitive. I don't think so. Why do I feel like an outsider in my own family? Why can't they respect my feelings and points of view, even if they don't agree with them. I am constantly told things like "That's enough, " "I don't care" "I don't want to hear it, " or just plain "Shut up!" Is that the way to talk to a grown adult, or anybody for that matter? Let alone someone in your own family that you are supposed to love and care about? If a stranger treated me this way, I would be ofended, but it hurts a lot more coming from someone in your own family. Is there anything that I can do to get more respect from my family? I try to stand up for myself, but they don't "let" me. They snap at me if I ever say anything in my defense or tell them they are being rude, which I don't hesitate to do. I'm fed up, and I don't want to have this tension between me and my family anymore. I almost dread family get-togethers anymore, because I'm afraid someone is going to treat me bad in front of all my other relatives, and I won't be able to truly enjoy myself because I'll be dwelling on it the whole time. Can anybody relate to this at all? I know I can't be the only one, but sometimes I feel that way. Does anybody ever watch "Everybody loves Raymond?" Well, sometimes I feel like Raymond's brother Robert, and my sister is like Raymond. She is the one with the interesting career and is more financially sucessful, so I feel sometimes, she is the "favorite" and I am looked at as "the baby". (Even though I was the first to get married and have a child.) Well, feel free to offer any advice you can. I'm really hoping someone has some insight they can share. Thanks in advance. :-)

You need to distance yourself from how you *feel* about their treatment of you before you can address this. As Dilbert said to his boss once, "I respectfully decline to join your hallucinations.: That's the mental view you should take about their evaluations of you. If they said you were a leprechaun, it wouldn't make you into one. They are responsible for their views; you are not. And it's not your obligation to try and correct them, although you can if you wish to. But in my opinion trying to change their behaviors (which you're not responsible for) is giving them too much power.

Similarly, they are not responsible for the fact that you are sensitive to their callous comments and rudeness. (I/m not saying they are right. Just that you're the one who has ownership of your feelings and reactions. Not them.) It?'s up to *you* to protect yourself from their hurtfulness. You might explain in advance to each person that you've had some problems in the past with how they've related to you and that, in the future, if you are finding them to be disrespectful or rude, you will either ignore them or leave the area (or whatever other protective actions you choose to take). Assure them that you won't engage in a discussion, confrontation, or argument about it. (And believe me, they'll test you.) And keep in mind that you can take further measures such as distancing yourself from unkind people if they keep abusing the privileges of their relationship with you. Then followup on your word. In other words, ACT on your conviction that you are worthy of respect. Don't talk about it. Your family and friends are treating you this way based on (1) their own character flaws and (2) the fact that you have permitted it. You can't change 1, but you can sure change 2.

Example #1: If someone interrupts you, you're not obligated to stop talking just because they have started. (This may be a revelation for you. I can remember when I realized this myself.) Just keep talking until they stop or until they say, "Huh? What did you say?" or otherwise get more obnoxious. Then you can say something crisp like this with a slight smile and a raised eyebrow, "Oh, excuse me for trying to talk while you were interrupting." Or if you aren't feeling like a smartass, you could simply say, "I was speaking and I don't choose to let you interrupt me anymore. If you can't handle basic conversational etiquette, perhaps you need to find someone else to talk to."

Example 2: If your ex-spouse is constantly showing up late to pick up the kids when you have plans, let him know that in the future if he's not on time that you will not wait on him anymore, because you quit waiting around on him when you divorced him. You don't have to put up with that anymore. Don't say any of this angrily. Just be calm and serene (at least on the outside). I did this with my ex. He showed up an hour late when I had plans, and he was astonished that I had already taken my child to the babysitter's. He demanded to see her. I told him of course he could, but only if he was willing to pay for the full evening of babysitting so that the babysitter's time was not abused. He was so angry and amazed that he left without saying another word. (But he was never late again. Never.)

Example 3: Husband, interrupting your phone conversation with a friend: "Honey, I don't have any clean damned shirts. Why are you sitting on your fat ass and running your big mouth when there's laundry to be done?"

You: (ignoring him, but giving him a quelling look).

Husband: "Hey, I'm TALKING to you!"

You (to friend): "I'm sorry. My husband is having a problem. I'll call you back later."

Then, you to husband (assuming that you're not in dange of him being physically abusive to you): "That was rude of you. I won't even address the problem you are bringing to me when you speak this way. And if you continue, I (a) won't handle your laundry at all, and (b) will get a cell phone and hold my conversations elsewhere so that I won't be pestered when you feel like being rude."

Then refuse to discuss the laundry with him unless he comes back and talks to you like a calm, rational, kind adult. Give him an example; in this case, he could have said in calm tones, "I was counting on you to do this for me. It's one of the household chores that we agreed you would do, just like I mow the grass and service the cars. I have an important meeting today and I am in a bind because of this. I'm mad and I feel like you let me down. What happened? And I'm asking you to fix this problem for me now." If he actually does this (I doubt it), it gives you the opportunity to explain why you didn't do one of your chores -- or simply to apologize -- without having to be so on the defense.

In essence, what I'm saying is that the thing to change is yourself. Specifically, how you view yourself and how you treat yourself. And even more specifically, how you permit others to treat you.

Once you have really bought into the concept that they are wrong and that this is their problem, not yours, you'll have the emotional distance to be able to correct them (or not) without letting it hurt you too much. And you may find when you simply take it for granted that you are 100 percent worthy of respect, people tend to make the same assumptions about you.

Your family will probably accuse you of acting distant or arrogant, but belittlers have always said that about someone who goes about her life with quiet self-confidence and self-respect. You might want to take up a hobby like knitting so that you'll have something to do with your hands and eyes while you are serenely refusing to accept rudeness (even when you feel quivery on the inside).

Best wishes to you! - The Southern Chick


[view]

(Rating: 5) You are very wise and gave the best advice on this problem. You should be a councelor if you are not already. Thanks a lot.
<<< Previous Advice Column
Next Advice Column >>>
eXTReMe Tracker