Member Since: November 15, 2011
Answers: 1
Last Update: November 15, 2011
Visitors: 687
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I am an 18 year old male and I have been a pretty emotionally dead person for...well since my early childhood. And when I say dead I don't mean depressed or really down or anything of that nature. It's nearly impossible for me to feel anything genuine and I can only put a mask of fakeness on so I don't seem so far out. When I was in a psychology class I read about something called anti-social personality disorder and it almost disturbed me how similar the symptoms were to my own character. I've done enough to put myself away for the better half of my life and I haven't felt a shred of remorse or conscience. Anyways, I'm wondering if my lack of emotion is a cause of concern. Nothing brings me joy, pain, or sorrow and I can't even feel love for my own family anymore. NOTHING will make me feel anything and it bothers me. All I feel like is a body and a brain without a soul. Something is wrong with me but I don't know what. I'm a very intelligent person and all it seems I can do is succeed with material things like work while my relationships are built on false pretenses and emotions I never even felt but acted like I did. My question is: If there is anybody somewhat educated about this...what could be wrong with me? Do I have anti-social personality disorder?...and am I stuck with this? (link)
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well... I didn't start the same way that you did, but I ended up in a place similar to you. I tried to embrace it but it plagued me and I couldn't stop thinking about it until I let go. Then I went to college and I understood somewhere in my mind that if by chance things changed in my life, I didn't want to wake up in a world that I created for myself and did not enjoy. Following this logic, I attempted to start working hard but my continuous lack of interest kept pushing me away and made me stay up basically all night to get just a few assignments done ( I procrastinated like a boss).
[I left out the part where I don't remember when the onset of this began, but it was around sometime in the middle of highschool, also I talked to my psychology professor my first year and told him about this condition and he told me that there are two types of depression: the first type is sadness/ you feel down; the second is a emotional void where you dont feel anything, which is what i was experiencing but didn't think much of]
so then at this point I also knew that I didn't want to look like my Dad, who looks old as hell because he just pushed himself and led an unhealthy lifestyle and just stressed himself, so I decided not to do that and went to talk to a psychologist [ I am with Kaiser Permanente] and he said what I described sounded like dysthymia, and I'm pretty sure he is right because these symptoms sound pretty dead on. [I also talked to my primary doctor and she called it "dissociative depression disorder" or "Dissociation" or something like that
So if you really just want to live with it I guess that's fine. If you think that makes you strong that's fine. But in terms of inner strength, true strength is the ability to accept and deal with your weaknesses and overcome them; it is also understanding that you and others share or may have had the same weaknesses and that you are willing to help them overcome their inhibitions. Living with your condition and not attempting to overcome it is fatalistic at best and cowardice at worst, because you are trapping yourself and you are too scared to step outside yourself.
third, as a side note, [ I tell myself this all the time but fail miserably at it], fuck what other people think, because if you lived for other peoples opinions you might as well dress as a bum or give them all your money and be a slave, if you really want to do something or change no one has the right to tell you no, only you have the power to stop yourself and if you are stopping yourself then you are failure to those that care about you and/or love you because you fail to be great and share your greatness with those around you, you are also a failure to yourself because you are unwilling to go out and be the greatest you could ever be. If you don't do things because you are scared of failure, you have already failed and in this sense there is nothing left to lose anyways so go ahead and do whatever you want. When you don't hold yourself back, you open the door for others to follow in your footsteps because there must always be someone to set an example whether it be you or someone else, and by refusing to do so you hold not only yourself but everyone else back.
Lastly- It may be me being pessimistic but I think I do have ADHD, extremely disorganized,etc. also that last paragraph is my take on Rocky Balboa to his son and to those judges or whatever. ( he is also weak and has others around him always helping him out[he embraces his weakness], and when people turn to him or against him to prevent him from moving forward he tells them off.
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