Member Since: October 28, 2011
Answers: 1
Last Update: October 28, 2011
Visitors: 602
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I am an 18 year old male and I have been a pretty emotionally dead person for...well since my early childhood. And when I say dead I don't mean depressed or really down or anything of that nature. It's nearly impossible for me to feel anything genuine and I can only put a mask of fakeness on so I don't seem so far out. When I was in a psychology class I read about something called anti-social personality disorder and it almost disturbed me how similar the symptoms were to my own character. I've done enough to put myself away for the better half of my life and I haven't felt a shred of remorse or conscience. Anyways, I'm wondering if my lack of emotion is a cause of concern. Nothing brings me joy, pain, or sorrow and I can't even feel love for my own family anymore. NOTHING will make me feel anything and it bothers me. All I feel like is a body and a brain without a soul. Something is wrong with me but I don't know what. I'm a very intelligent person and all it seems I can do is succeed with material things like work while my relationships are built on false pretenses and emotions I never even felt but acted like I did. My question is: If there is anybody somewhat educated about this...what could be wrong with me? Do I have anti-social personality disorder?...and am I stuck with this? (link)
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Emotion is not a weakness or a plague, it is each individual persons ultimate truth and what makes them a 'human being'. if you have grown up in the western culture of worshipping logic and reason as the ultimate way then it is easy to despise emotion as a lesser aspect of our 'selves', however, as a logic driven 'robot' it is only possible to DO but not to BE. "To be or not to be" as someone once said.
I personally am looking for the 'be' in being...no that does not quite express it; I have recently realised that I need to have a fight to the death to regain my emotions, a quest for my very soul.
I have not felt since I was two.
I was assaulted by the person who should have been giving me the 'life-giving breath of love'.
I went into shock to such an extent that I became frightened of people. I could not relate, even when my grandma tried to give me love (emotional re-assurance, ie it's ok to feel) I didn't know what it was!
Through my entire school life I did not make one friend, I stood in the corner of the playground at a distance from the other kids who were running around screaming and 'getting it all out' As I got older I learned to pretend, but that was dis empowering because I did not learn how to defend myself or to make personal boundaries. Other kids fought or did sports but I just stood and watched. (I couldn't even catch a ball)
At 16 I joined a cult.
They talked a lot of love but just taught me more falsehood.
I have had a marriage and kids but I couldn't give them what I didn't have myself.
After all that I still cannot feel.
For example, 2 years ago I did a Jazz singing course, I have a fine voice and good expression. When it came to the performance in front of an audience at the local Jazz Club, I watched the others being really nervous, "silly people" I thought, "what is there to be nervous about, they won't kill you if you forget the words" I was not nervous in any way. After the performance though I became the silly one as I saw each person come off stage after their solo. They were glowing with pleasure which stayed with them the rest of the evening whilst I only had a slight sense of relief that it was over. That is NOT life or living.
I am giving these examples of how it is for me because I want to encourage people with not to settle for less than the truth. What do you want on your gravestone "I came, I saw, I cognated" ? Or quoted by the strange enchanted boy in the song popularly sung by Nat King Cole, "the greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return"
It's 2am now in England and I've got so much more inside me to tell, need sleep but will post more.
THERE MUST BE SOME KINDA WAY OUTA HERE, said the joker to the thief!!!
(& we are going to find it Majj and all)
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