Member Since: June 7, 2009
Answers: 1
Last Update: June 7, 2009
Visitors: 599
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I am an 18 year old male and I have been a pretty emotionally dead person for...well since my early childhood. And when I say dead I don't mean depressed or really down or anything of that nature. It's nearly impossible for me to feel anything genuine and I can only put a mask of fakeness on so I don't seem so far out. When I was in a psychology class I read about something called anti-social personality disorder and it almost disturbed me how similar the symptoms were to my own character. I've done enough to put myself away for the better half of my life and I haven't felt a shred of remorse or conscience. Anyways, I'm wondering if my lack of emotion is a cause of concern. Nothing brings me joy, pain, or sorrow and I can't even feel love for my own family anymore. NOTHING will make me feel anything and it bothers me. All I feel like is a body and a brain without a soul. Something is wrong with me but I don't know what. I'm a very intelligent person and all it seems I can do is succeed with material things like work while my relationships are built on false pretenses and emotions I never even felt but acted like I did. My question is: If there is anybody somewhat educated about this...what could be wrong with me? Do I have anti-social personality disorder?...and am I stuck with this? (link)
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I can't believe I found this page.
I'm not sure how much I have to add, a lot has already been discussed here. I just thought I should add my name to the list, and also say, that I would be very interested to talk to some of the people here. Email me if you are game: be113ve yahoo com
I am a 19 year old male, and have felt this 'numbness' for as long as I can remember. I don't think anyone else has ever noticed, because it took me a while to notice myself. I think I have lived my whole life analysing and mimicking others, only to realise now that I am constantly lying, talking about feelings I don't really have, realising that everything I say is just part of the equation to get the result. Everything is planned and executed, never flowing or reactive. I am lying all the time, maybe even to myself. I dont even know for certain if I am lying to you now.
I appreciate nick11689's comments and advice: "Keep your mask on, wear it proud knowing you don't have to go through the pain of living."
I hide behind my mask, even from myself. I feel I am a differnt person to everyone. I am who I want to be, when I want to be. I dont think anyone really knows who I am. I tried to tell someone once, but it turned weird. It is difficult, because you have to tell a 'friend' that you dont feel anything, that your relationship, even with them, is just an act. How can you tell someone that and expect anything good? So again, I appreciate nick11689's advice, "keep your mask on".
More recently I became bored. Nothing impresses me. I am mostly bored with people. I can make friends really easily, and can get along well with anyone. But now, everyone is just boring. All conversation follows the same rules, the same pleasantries. Again an equation. I am yet to find any activity which really interests me.
Sorry it got a bit long! And if anyone cares: I enjoy recreational drugs (keep it casual and occasional), am in a pretty high percentile at university studying computer science, and dont consider myself sexual.
Again, send me an email if anyone is interested in talking.
P.S. Read 'Othello' for the character Iago. He is possibly the most interesting character ever, especially to me (to us?).
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