Member Since: April 22, 2012
Answers: 1
Last Update: April 22, 2012
Visitors: 554
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I am an 18 year old male and I have been a pretty emotionally dead person for...well since my early childhood. And when I say dead I don't mean depressed or really down or anything of that nature. It's nearly impossible for me to feel anything genuine and I can only put a mask of fakeness on so I don't seem so far out. When I was in a psychology class I read about something called anti-social personality disorder and it almost disturbed me how similar the symptoms were to my own character. I've done enough to put myself away for the better half of my life and I haven't felt a shred of remorse or conscience. Anyways, I'm wondering if my lack of emotion is a cause of concern. Nothing brings me joy, pain, or sorrow and I can't even feel love for my own family anymore. NOTHING will make me feel anything and it bothers me. All I feel like is a body and a brain without a soul. Something is wrong with me but I don't know what. I'm a very intelligent person and all it seems I can do is succeed with material things like work while my relationships are built on false pretenses and emotions I never even felt but acted like I did. My question is: If there is anybody somewhat educated about this...what could be wrong with me? Do I have anti-social personality disorder?...and am I stuck with this? (link)
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I am so happy I came across this site, I was running out of hope...
I have a similar story, I had really bad emotional problems/anxiety which was undiagnosed for my whole life. I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 26, and 3 months later I woke up with no symptoms whatsoever. I don't know if I HAD ADHD, but I was hyper all the time, I was anxious most of the time, I was up and down like a yo-yo emotionally, and had to be drunk before I could socialise with anyone. I was a bit of a loner, and had an addictive personality; drugs, gambling, etc.
3 years ago after getting food poisoning over new year it all stopped. Everything. I felt really calm, all the time. For the first time in my life I could relax; my mind wasn't going at a million mph, I could think what I wanted, I wasn't anxious, I wasn't depressed. It was great. It was only a few months later when I realised that I didn't seem to register emotion. I wasn't missing people any more, I wasn't having feelings for girls I met and dated, I wasn't getting any positive or negative feelings about anything I did.
Don't get me wrong, it has its benefits. I went to Uni two years ago, and am now studying for a Neuroscience degree, and I barely made it out of school years ago with some C's at GCSE and a D at A Level. I could never concentrate and now I can. I also have way more friends than I ever have before, due to the fact I can socialise without the anxiety-I used to have to drink 3 cans of cider before I went out just so I could talk to my friends on a night out. I am just frustrated after more than 3 years of nothing. I don't miss or love my family, I can't have a girlfriend because of my lack of feelings, I never get sad/happy/angry/scared.
When I drink too much I black out now as well, something I never did before, and I apparently get very emotional when that happens. I have no recollection whatsoever of these times, culminating in me coming home with a split lip after a night out last week, with no recollection of when I left or what happened on my way home. I have had arguments with people that I never even realised happened until weeks later.
I can't find any examples of anyone who has gone through this and come out the other side feeling. I am seeing a psychiatrist but I think it is a biochemical thing, such as dopamine, that is responsible, so I think I am wasting my time. At least I have found people in the same boat as me. It is horrible, and I wouldn't want this for my worst enemy. I did consider this as a gift, but the thought that I will never be able to tell my mother I love her and mean it fills me with emptiness...
T
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