I've crammed a lot of experience into my 32 years, it should be available to people.
E-mail: dshannon420@gmail.com
Gender: Male
Location: Denver
Occupation: Student
Age: 32
Member Since: April 3, 2011
Answers: 53
Last Update: April 5, 2011
Visitors: 4862
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I didn't realize I was such a negative person. But last year was the worst year of my life, and things don't seem to be getting much better this year. I started seeing a therapist.. and idk. School just gets worse and worse. I haven't had a great time at school since elementary school, tbh. Middle school was bad, and high school has been worse. I really want to get into the University of Chicago and now I'm even worried about getting into that.. and I keep feeling angry with myself for not doing as good in high school (I'm a junior) cause it's going to be very hard for me to be accepted there. It just seems like even when I try to do things 110% they still can't happen, so why really try you know? I know other people have failed and succeeded but there's no guarantee you will succeed in the end. Isn't that just naive? I don't want to amount to nothing, but it's so hard to now have much motivation.. even though I have goals and dreams it seems like they can never happen. I've never had a best friend or anything close to a boyfriend. High school hasnt been fun at all. I haven't been invited out with friends for more than a year. When I moved to a new town last year I tried making friends with people when everyone was nice and then they just abandoned me. nobody invites me to things. im uncomfortable doing that but i even tried inviting people to things and they couldnt return the favor to the new girl. even in my old school it was hard. i always felt jealous of other girls who got to hang out with friends often and go to parties and everything. i havent done that at all. this year has been a complete waste. i dont even have anyone on school i can really rely upon.. most days i hardly say anything to people at school, aside from teachers. people just dont want to talk to me and it just makes me feel worse.
And I'm not even ugly or anything. But because nobody really cares about me apart from my family, it makes me feel like I'm ugly. And then when I look at the mirror I'm surprised to find out that I'm just feeling ugly, and that I don't look ugly as I'd expect since nobody really talks to me. I'm not conceited or anything, though. I'm very against cockiness, I like quiet confidence. I dont think I'm very confident, though.. or I wouldn't be having these issues. I think I'm nice.. and like to talk and everything, I guess Im just socially awkward, and it's hard for me to initiate things usually. I spent a lot of my years on the internet.. doing a variety of things. I'm closer to people on the internet than most people I've met IRL. but at the same time it feels sort of empty.. because they have no obligation to continue talking to me and everything... its just an internet friend (link)
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Alienated in Chicago; I can tell by the way you write that you are a very intelligent person who should have no problem excelling at college. It will not be you being lucky to get in, it will be they who will be lucky to have you. ahhhhhh High School. I know its your whole world right now but believe me, ten years from now it will seem like it only lasted a week. The people you are around will fade into memory. Its the same even for the "social butterflies" of the school. I can tell you that some of the rude exclusive people from my school turned out to be the drunks, bums and criminals that they are today. I like that you have a good self image. And I am sure you are not wrong.
New towns are hell on school kids. I changed schools in between middle and High school and had the chance to re-invent myself. Punk rock and skateboarding gave me the "who cares what you think" look. It worked for me.
In conclusion, it is always realistic to be negative because we live in a very negative world but, it is BRAVE to be positive in it, not naive. Also there is a fine line between friend and enemy. With the trouble I got into, I would have wished to be you. Cheer up! don't give up, the race is long, and in the end it is only with yourself.
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I read the earlier posts on emotionlessness and saw that some of the things put down were similar to what I'm going through. Sometimes, I find my self crying with out actually knowing why. I put on a mask everyday to play that body I walk around in. I tred explaining it to my mom but it took a while. It's sort of like never being able to be hurt by anything but then,... never being able to be truly happy. I can't remember the last time I have felt happy and I'm afraid that I never had that emotion in the first place. What if I never know what it feels like to be happy. I want my emotions back and there may be a few reasons why I don't have them. My life hasn't been all fun and games as my outward mask feigns it was. I had a father who neglected me and stepmothers who caused me both physical and emotional pain. In the end, my father dropped me off at a daycare center where i had spent most of my childhood at. Now I'm adopted but I don't think i came out of it all unscathed. If thats where my emotionlessness came from than how do i get it back? Oh and don't bother trying to contact my email. It's bumb anyway. (link)
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I know what you mean. Like you have been damaged and the results is an emotional numbness nobody can understand and you cant describe it. But it envelopes your whole life and cripples any social interaction. I only know of two solutions, a near death experience that will refill your zest for life, or going all the way and ending it.
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