I am a 16 year old trans female. My name is Samantha, but you may call me Sam. I work better at giving advice about relationships and gender identity. Ask away!
Gender: Female
Age: 16
Member Since: June 28, 2019
Answers: 3
Last Update: June 30, 2019
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MomAunt
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I am a 50 year old Mom and I have a 27 year old Daughter. She lives with her abusive and controlling boyfriend. I have noticed a pattern and I do not like it. During Christmas and birthdays she keeps in touch and is very warm, caring and friendly. Other times she does not text and does not want to be bothered. She can be rude. After 3 years of building this pattern I am tired of feeling used and discarded. Every Summer when there are no gifts involved she discards me and wants nothing to do with me. I am tempted to tell her that I no longer wish to exchange any Birthday or Christmas gifts with her and see if she quits visiting and all communication. This way I no if my suspicions are correct that she only uses me for Gifts. Problem is my Mother lives with me and my Mother does not feel the same way as I do. I would hate for my Mother to be punished for my choices and decisions. My Daughter does not text to ask how her Grandmother is doing and did not come to the hospital to sit with her Grandmother while I was in surgery. I am feeling like my Daughter could care less about her Grandmother or I. What should I do? (link)
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Is there going to be any birthdays recently or anything? If so, when you both meet again, try to talk to her and ask if she wants to visit sometime after the holiday/birthday. That would be another way to know if she truly uses and discards you because even if she says yes and she ends up not coming the day you planned, then what you are saying could, unfortunately, be true. If she says no, ask if she has any days where she could, then so on. If she still says no, then once again, she could be using and discarding you. If she says yes and actually comes over they day you planned, then hurray! She might not be!
There might be a reason she is not communicating with you: You said she is living with her abusive and controlling boyfriend. When stuff like that happens, that boyfriend (or girlfriend, depending on the relationship) could be manipulating her. Making her stay away from her friends and family.
How manipulating works in short: The person manipulating make you, or other people, think that you are doing it all wrong, it's all your fault, the only way to do things is how s/he (the manipulator) wants, etc. The manipulator is smart and knows what s/he is doing. That's how it works.
How to stop it: As you are not the one being manipulated, you can't see the problem and leave. You can see the problem, but it is your daughter's job to try and fix it. Unfortunately, if you try to tell her, she (as most people do) will most likely get angry and that could make her still want to stay away from you. So try to just tell her (when she's there to talk to you) that you (and her gandmother) love her very much no matter what. That she can tell you anything and you will still love her. Tell her to be smart and that she is a wonderful and beautiful person. This could make her more open to you, and as a bonus, help her with the manipulation problem because manipulators also tend to tell you the opposite of that and tell the victim that is the reason why s/he should stay with him/her. So tell her that and see if it helps. I understand that I am only 16, but I'm very much experienced plenty of things in my life already.
I wish you the best and I hope that this answer could help.
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Rating: 5
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Wow! Great thinking! Just what I needed! Excellent advice! Thanks a Million!
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