I love giving advice. Some of my advice has saved relationships, began new ones, and helped friendships. I'm willing to try and answer any question I can, using my own experiences and knowledge, as well as articles I read. Ask me anything! I earned my bachelors in Psychology in 2016. Feel free to ask me things! -Heather
Gender: Female
Location: Illinois, USA
Age: 25
Member Since: November 11, 2009
Answers: 70
Last Update: April 30, 2020
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So this is my story, (I tried to condense it at the end if you don’t want to read it all):
I’m kinda friends with this guy from school. (I’m a junior girl, he’s a senior.) He’s nice and friends with a lot of people. My problem is that I’ve kinda been friends with him for a while, and we’ve had our ups and downs, but now we’ve reached a plateau.
Once a week almost every week, I get together with some friends and he’s there too. Those days, I have so much fun with my friends and with him. However, the rest of the week, me and him act like strangers and avoid each other. It’s because of me.
You see, he’s really good friends with people who I hate and who hate me. I’m okay with that, he can be friends with whoever he wants. The thing is, whenever I try to talk to him, one of those people (they’re freshmen girls btw) comes up and sorta steals him away. Like, I’ll be talking to him and then one of them comes up and inserts themself into the conversation and steals his attention away and I curl up into shyness and they both leave and I feel crummy and embarrassed. He’s the kind of person who won’t say no to anyone. If it seems like I don’t want to talk (which I don’t when someone I don’t get along with is there) then he won’t try to talk to me. It sucks when I want to talk to him but he won’t tell the other person to hold on a moment. I’ve gotten so tired of this that I especially avoid him when those people are around.
I’m a pretty shy person and I see him so very little a day and those people are almost always there so we don’t communicate that much because I’m scared.
He knows that I have a problem with those people, but what kinda upsets me is that he doesn’t really care. In the past, multiple times, he’s told me he wants to be friends with me, but he doesn’t put any effort into it. I always start the conversation. He never puts any effort into making sure I’m comfortable.
The only time I can interact with him are those hangout-nights, when it’s just friends. Those times are so special to me because they were like a break from the struggles of life and after a tough week, I knew I had a chance to just have fun.
Recently, I’ve found out that he and a few of the friends from those nights have had their own hangout-nights with the people who I hate/hate me. They can do whatever they want to, I just get jealous that something so important to me is now something who those people can now get in on. It’s like I’ve found an island in the ocean but suddenly sharks grow legs and take over my island.
What I’m upset about is that those people get to see him every day and now also at their own hangout-nights while I only get to see him once a week at my own hangout-nights.
Despite the fact that we’ve been friends for a few years now, despite the fact that he’s always insisted we are friends, I get treated like I’m a once a week special.
I’ve become okay with this.
For a while, I was fine with that.
Now though, I’m wondering if it’s worth it.
Every day, I see him having fun with those people and they must be having fun if they want to have their own hangout-nights.
I want to be his friend, but if he enjoys them more, that’s fine. I don’t want to waste my time or his. I don’t want to make him choose between me or them.
It hurts seeing him always having fun with them and thinking that that could never be me and I know I’m just being jealous and selfish but recognizing that doesn’t make it hurt less.
My question is, should I keep up this once-a-week friendship or should I move on?
Should I suffer through the week for a reward of happiness, or should I forget about both?
Both choices will hurt. One hurts a lot but has some joy. One just hurts.
Hopefully, this will all end in May, after he graduates.
Any advice you can give me, whether it’s an answer, an alternate choice, or just things to consider, is greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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My honest opinion is: it isn't worth it. It's causing you to look at yourself negatively, and it seems like you've tried your best to remain friends and accomodate him even it it's uncomfortable for you. He does not appear to be trying to uphold the friendship with you or consider your feelings, so it might be best to distance yourself. Maybe once he graduates he will grow up and realize who his real friends are and get away from the freshman girls. It's possible that he liked the attention from them and didn't see or care how they made you feel. No matter what you do, just know that it's nothing you did, and that you've tried to be a good friend to him!
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Rating: 5
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Thank you for the advice! It really helped!
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