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My boyfriend (27) and I (22) have been dating for about 2 years. A few months after we started dating, I discovered he was addicted to pain pills. He confessed this to me after he had been going through withdrawals for a couple of days and I could clearly tell something was seriously wrong. After a couple of weeks drug-free, he began to feel better and I even noticed a change in the way he acted because of how great he felt.
About a year after that he told me he was having issues again. He was back to spending hundreds of dollars a week on pills and he decided to get help. He went to a clinic that basically prescribed a drug that would help him with withdrawals as long as he checked in a couple times a week and had a clean urine sample. He was doing great until his doctor told him that he would need to start seeing a counselor as part of their program. He told me that he wasn't like those "other addicts" and that he didn't need counseling. I told him he was in the same place as them for a reason, but he said he just needed the medication to help with the withdrawals and he'd be fine. When he ran out of those, he did in fact seem to be doing okay. However, I told him since he wouldn't put in a sincere effort to do what was asked of him then I would have no choice but to leave him if he starting using again. I had been in a previous relationship with an addict and I knew for my personal mental health I couldn't go through that again. He seemed to be doing okay though, so I quit worrying. For about a month.
I found out he was getting pills again. I broke up with him; not because I wanted to but because I knew I couldn't just threaten to do something and then not follow through. I felt like I'd be enabling him. He explained that he only got them again because his back had been hurting really bad from work, to which I responded that most people don't have a dealer that they can just call up to score pills from any time their back hurts, and that he knew better than to think it would "just be this once." We eventually got back together, because he said there really was nothing to worry about and since I love him, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and decided to stick with him. I know addiction isn't a choice and I don't believe leaving him will actually make things better.
A week ago he told me he found a bottle of phentermine in his mom's medicine cabinet and that he took one to see what it was like. Usually those aren't really his thing but I know they're addictive and I was LIVID because I feel like it was just so careless of him to chance something like that when he knows his history. He said it was only once and he wouldn't do it again, especially since the pill didn't even make him feel very good.
Then yesterday, I saw that he was texting his dealer. He left the room, and I was overcome with anger so I decided to read the messages. He had planned to go get some oxys per usual and then asked if she had any phentermine, to which she said that she did.
Today he came home from work late. I looked in his truck and found several oxys and a phentermine. Obviously he's been lying, and it makes me mad that he pretended to not even like those pills when he was in fact, asking for MORE. I realized he had been lying about several things: he said a guy at work was telling him about how he took phentermine and it have him energy then coincidentally his mom happens to have some in her cabinet? No, he just didn't want me to know he was in touch with his dealer.
I'm so mad at him for lying but at the same time I'm upset and worried because he has had 2 friends die from overdosing on pills and both of them were doing less than he does. I don't think he's currently doing as many as he used to, but he is still doing them.
I don't want to leave him. He still continues to be a wonderful boyfriend, a hard worker, and still has the same funny, silly attitude. But he's struggling with a serious addiction and I don't know how I can help. I feel like if I stay, I'm telling him that he can continue living life as though his addiction is not something he should try to overcome. He can keep me and the pills and everything will be fine. However, if I leave, I'm not sticking with him through a hard time in his life and that's not the kind of person I am nor do I want him to feel alone in this.
How can I deal with this situation? I'm sick of the back-and-forth. I know his addiction will be a lifelong battle but I refuse to accept that this is just how it's going to be. I know he can lead a sober life. (link)
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Here is a great exercise to do: make a PROS and CONS list, but here's a little trick... Make PROS and CONS for "CHANGE" and "NO Change". I usually make a box with two rows and two columns and put "CHANGE" on the LEFT SIDE of the FIRST box and "NO Change" at the LEFT SIDE at the SECOND box (It doesn't matter how you write it out it just works better for me to do the "calculating"). Next write out all the PROS for "CHANGE" IN the first box, all the CONS for "CHANGE" IN the box on the RIGHT ("CHANGE" being whatever you want - leaving the relationship, your boyfriend getting the help etc...) then write all the PROS of "NO Change" IN the box beside "NO Change" and all the CONS of "NO Change" IN the box on the RIGHT ("NO Change" being the opposite of whatever you put as "CHANGE). Next step: RATE each of the PROS for "CHANGE", and each of the CONS for "NO Change" all together from important to least important (1 to 4 - one being not important and four being of high importance). RATE each of the CONS for "NO Change" and each of the PROS for "NO Change" by the same rating system. Last step: ADD each of the rates together. Whichever number is larger should give you a hint. I hope you can understand my poor instructions...I seek counselling for anxiety and my counsellor taught me this trick. It helps me face my problems head on and make the right decision no matter how hard it is...Nevertheless DO NOT FORGET WHO YOU ARE. Always please yourself and put yourself first, we live with OUR decisions in the end. Make yourself happy.
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Rating: 5
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That's actually very good advice and I'll try that right now. Thank you so much.
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