I used to be an artist, back in school. I used to be a musician. That weird kid who knows he's weird and doesn't care, because that's who he is.
So what if many people didn't like me because of who I was? So what if they mocked me and tried to make me feel bad? It never worked, because the friends I had loved me for it.
I had skills that even I can't imagine(not being cocky, others always thought better of my art and music than I did), and I loved to draw and paint and play guitar and keyboard. I could sit down with nothing but a piece of paper and a box of charcoal and get lost in time for who knows how long, visiting places I'd never been, places no one had ever been, just completely in tune with myself, and for a few hours, nothing else would exist.
I'd go for what felt like 5 minutes and realized the whole day slipped away, and in front of me lay the image I saw in my mind.
I even had people offer $300-$400 for something I drew or painted. So I was going to go to college for 3D animation. I loved art, and I was good with computers, so it seemed like a good idea. The traditional arts don't make much money today, so this was a good compromise I could make. One that I could live with and love every day for the rest of my life, with enough money to afford paints and paper and charcoal and musical instruments on the side.
So I was dead set on going to college, but being a young, healthy, white male with parents who make good money, there was no such thing as grants for me. I didn't get any scholarships. And I certainly couldn't afford any loans - not yet.
And so I looked for a job. I searched and I searched, and the only place hiring was my least favorite fast-food restaurant paying minimum wage, part time. I've worked there over a year and a half now.
I used to be creative, weird, eccentric, making something new and beautiful every day, enjoying life even when it could be rough. People noticed me. People I didn't even know EXISTED knew me better than I thought they possibly could.
But now I'm not creative. I have artist's block. I'm a plain, boring guy working a dead-end job for minimum wage, 15 hours a week, pushing out the same old crap day in and day out. The same worthless crap. Shoveling it into the faces of plain, boring people. And the occasional success, who rubs it in my face with their $100k cars in the drive-through. I blend in. I'm boring, and most of my old friends consider me just a memory. No one knows me anymore.
I'm not me, and I'm trapped by this awful job that makes me hate every minute of this all. I'm trapped because I don't even make enough money to keep my car on the road.
What do I do to get out of this mess? How do I get back to being me?
Dear I'm not myself anymore,
I see the problems. Most important is your diet.
am guessing that you were eating better before you began working at that fast food place. Now you eat the fast food.
You were able to think and be creative. Your personality was alive because you could think clearly. The foods you are eating are inhibiting your brains ability to put thoughts into creative form.
I see this happen all the time. It happened to me, that is why I can see it has happening to you.
Quit your job and find a job in a different industry or even a different town. It is only 15 hours a week. Besides, you have been there for too long. You know the job inside and out and are completely unsatisfied. It is making you miserable. Cut that out!!
Happiness is a state of mind, not a destination.
Clean up your diet so you think more clearly.(get an art book and start doodling)
Eliminate all the negative influences from your life. (Bad food and a dead end job has got to go)
Work towards goals that make you feel whole again.
(working towards worth while goals will give you a sense of who you are again. Volunteer at your local animal shelter or old folks home once a week)
Surround yourself by people that are going the same direction you are going and doing the things you want to do. Find out the local hangout for artist like yourself and start going a lot!!
You are not trapped if you have a brain in your head and the ability walk. You are the only one that can choose your path. Your car cannot make choices for you, your job does not dictate who you are, and your lack of money is not a prison cell.
If you really want to find yourself, you must change what you are doing now. The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.
Make that change anytime you want, not anytime you can. If you want it, it will happen but you have to act in order for that to happen. You getting a job was a reaction to not going to college. Stop reacting and start acting.
While I do not suggest anything as extreme as joining the military, I do feel that an extraordinary change is needed in order for you to get out of this unhealthy frame of mind.
You are not crazy or mentally ill for losing yourself. It is not your fault and you had no idea that this fast food job would kill your ambitions and talent drive.
Here is a URL to a site that you can start using to clean up your diet. Once you are in a clear frame of mind, your skills will show back up in full force. I have faith that diet alone will help you make the choices you need to make.
http://www.dadamo.com/typebase4/typeindexer.htm
Good Luck!
EMQU RAKBU
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(Rating: 4)
Thanks for the advice. Most of it sounds like something I should really try. And if I hadn't stopped eating fast food months ago, I'd completely agree. After a very short period of time, it started to make me sick and disoriented. Now even the thought of a McChicken makes me nauseous.
Again, thanks for the advice. :)
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