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Q: So my mother has been struggling with depression ever since I could remember. I've always been pretty sympathetic about it because I have struggled with depression at one point in my life, but thankfully I have over came it. I always ask my mother why she is sad and she never has a straight answer. I can only imagine why she is unhappy. She works at a waitress at a crappy job, she has absolutely no money, tons of debt, and she is currently the head of her pitty party. She has never really had a charmed life, but she always provided for me and my sister. I am 20 years old and my sister is 21 and we are trying to start our lives and move out. My mother is not too happy about it. She wants us to help her pay for bills and when working a minimum wage job 30 hours or less a week, there isn't a lot of money to give and not a lot of money to keep for myself. I really want to move out but my mom makes me feel terrible for leaving her. She is 57 years old and expects me to take care of her. She tells me that she has taken care of me my whole life and now it is time for me to take care of her. Mind you, I have two older sisters in their late 30s who are more than financially stable and are not willing to help her. I am only 20 years old! I should not be the one who has to support her. I love my mother more than anything in the world and that is why it is going to be hard for me to leave her. I give her all of my money and do everything I can to make her happy. My 21 year old sister doesn't care to help pay the bills but she thinks she can live in our house and not do a thing. She is moving out and my mom doesn't care because she knows she has me still. I don't want her to depend on me and I need some help. My sisters refuse to help us and I just need to get out of this situation. Should I leave and get on with my life or should I stay and struggle to make ends meat to try to make my mother happy? I just don't know what to do. If i left and something happened to her, I would feel terrible but staying home is holding me back and bringing me back into my depression. I don't want her to be unhappy, but i also do not want to be unhappy. What should i do?
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It is not your responsibility to make your mother happy. It is her responsibility to deal with her life and find her own happiness. That said, it is not unfair for you, as an adult, to help out with the finances while you live at home. If you move out, you would have to pay rent and utilities, etc., so it is reasonable for you to kick in a few bucks for the benefits of living at home. Determine what is a fair contribution for you as an individual and do that. If your sisters don't want to help out, it is not your responsibility to cover any of their "share".
It is also not time for you to "take care" of your mother, especially with no help from other family members. If the atmosphere at home is dragging you down, then moving out is a healthy (and normal) thing for you. You need to do what you need to do to establish your own life. I don't mean abandoning and forgetting your mother, but it is unhealthy for both of you for you to bear the weight of her emotional and financial state.
When you establish yourself as your own person with your own resources, you will be better able to help your mother in ways that are healthy for both of you.
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Thank you. This advice made me feel better about my decision to move out.
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Info
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Gender: Male Location: Minnesnowta Occupation: Mail Processing Equipment Mechanic Age: 51 Member Since: May 30, 2011 Answers: 76 Last Update: April 25, 2014 Visitors: 4777
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