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Q: I know this is a pretty bad story but I really need help on this story.
http://storywrite.com/story/64087
Can anybody go there and tell me what parts of it I need to correct to make it a better one? Thanks very much =]
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Hey. :) Overall, the story is great, but the first paragraph the sentances are short and the paragraph is a lot of detail. People might get a little bored with that. Heres an example of something you could do-
You can turn that into something like this, making people more interested as you describe what you are doing WHILE you add detail instead of what you are doing and then all the detail.
For example:
this:
"The ground was soaked from the rain that had poured down for days."
into this:
"With my hands in my pockets, drops of mucky brown water started caking on the sides of my shoes from each step, from the rain that lasted several days."
That was just an example though, its not the best and the first thing that came to my mind. Just play aroudn and experiment with these things until it seems right. If you need more help with this feel free to drop a question in my inbox.
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That was a good sentence =] Thank you
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bio
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my name is Jay and I'm only 13 years old but I've been through a lot. I might not give the best advice but I still try. I don't sugarcoat my answers but I'm not mean. you can drop a question in my inbox any time you'd like, and I'd be more than happy to answer because I love to give advice and I try my best to help people.
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Info
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Member Since: November 6, 2006 Answers: 202 Last Update: June 15, 2008 Visitors: 13153
Main Categories:
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